Distance Aunts, Uncle - #Busybodies#Meddlers

Wilted Daughter

Mom comes from large family. There are (4) live siblings in other states who only offer lip service and are intrusive and intentionally go against mom's wishes (call police for wellness checks, call the church to inform mom's in hospital or rehab, call elder protective services, etc.) They harass and violate her right to privacy. As Durable POA/Guardian and Invoked Health Care Proxy I mailed certified letters to all four informing them to cease/desist unwanted, unwelcomed meddling. They are toxic troublemakers with a lifetime history of disfunction so my letters may have little influence.

**If anyone has experience in dealing with this type of situation I would love to hear from you.

Thank you

SusanB-dil

Makes you want to SCREAM!!!

Not myself, but someone in a friend's church had family that would absolutely not leave them alone! They wouldn't help, didn't really understand the whole situation, but WOW, they sure had a LOT to say about everything!! Posted really crappy stuff on social media, just made this person's life miserable.

We had to trespass a family member, her husband, and her (adult) daughter that were taking advantage of MIL. Spoke with several lawyers in attempt to get them for 'financial abuse of an elderly person'. If any of the three attempt to come around now, we would get them for actual trespassing, harassment, and a full restraining order. We trespassed them with certified letters, and told them if there was anything further, to speak to our lawyer.

Maybe you could speak to a lawyer for your options.

Wilted Daughter

It's sad/disturbing how people act towards the elderly. My mother is the oldest and it appears they are attempting to manipulate her with eyes on her wealth for comparison of success . IDK

I've sent very pointed communications and informed them that their behaviors will be made public via any/all venues if attempts to involve themselves in our affairs continue. I do not intend to spend money on lawyers to resolve toxic family issues of that generation. Instead I am planning a short vac!!!😉

SusanB-dil

Vacation is good. You deserve that! And no doubt needed

Lucy C

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70580/distance-aunts-uncle-busybodies-meddlers

File copies of your DPOA/guardianship papers with the police and the local APS office, and take some time to have a (calm and thoughtful) conversation with representatives of both agencies. Let them know that you have issued cease-and-desist letters, and that this is a family situation which has nothing to do with your mother's welfare. Invite APS for a home visit if they would like to confirm your assertions. Meantime, if you can get your mother's phone, block her siblings' numbers. Don't update them with ANYTHING that's going on. Unless your mom insists on communicating with them, don't encourage her to do so. Explain the situation to the pastor of her church, and ask him/her not to encourage these reports, and not to relay them to other church members.

Making their behavior public will almost certainly not help. It may make you feel that you are "getting even," but it's not likely to stop the problem activity. The only way to do that is a) make sure that the police and APS understand the situation fully, and b) cut off as many avenues of communication as possible. Be prepared to hear from their attorney if the situation escalates.

Wilted Daughter

Thanks for your opinion/response. 😑What is APS? This is not about revenge…I don't have feelings of "getting even" with senior aunts/uncle.

Making someone's private behaviors public/known to governing agencies/office will, does, and has helped in my experience.

I did not post for advice but for feedback from those who had a similar experience. Have you had a similar experience, if so what did you do that worked for you.

Everyone's situation is different and one person should not say what will or will not work for someone else.

harshedbuzz

@Wilted Daughter

They may be having a cognitive shift of their own or feel as the elder generation they have greater rights than they actually do.

You may not be able to stop their antics. These letter you sent, were they from you or your attorney? If the former, the latter might be more effective. I suspect APS (adult protective services) and the police can deal with the repeated calls themselves.

Wilted Daughter

Hello Harshedbuzz,

😂"Cognitive shift" is that what it's called. I call it narcissistic control especially in my mother's case. They live out of state there is little or nothing that can be done, so that is why I exposed them to local agencies by sending letters of cease and desist. Calls are handled by blocking and I can and have written effective letters. Let them hire attorneys (which they won't) …as I stated I have better things to do with my money. It's a power play for money, control or whatever they want…they repeat the same tactics every time someone is close to death. It's shameful and embarrassing.

harshedbuzz

@Wilted Daughter

The shame and embarrassment reflect on them, not you.

Professionals working in the field have likely fielded calls from other extended family busybodies in the past and hold you in high esteem for managing as well as you are.

HB

Wilted Daughter

Have you had a similar experience? I like to hear similar experiences, stories not just “get a lawyer” , “place in SNF” which is the common response/not helpful.

As stated I’m dealing with narcissists who besides my mother are in denial about Dementia/Alz (everyone has it except them). The embarrassment/shame is projected on me. I’m learning how to deal with it.

Thank you

harshedbuzz

@Wilted Daughter Your mom likely has anosognosia which can seem like denial but in fact would prevent her from being able to recognize all of the ways and degrees to which she is impaired cognitively. In her mind, she's as right as rain. While that can be a blessing for her, it does present a whole other level of difficulty for you.

I didn't have it as bad as you describe things, but I had an aunt (mom's sister who justifiably loathed dad) and an uncle (dad's younger half-brother who was struggling with guilt over how badly he treated dad in the early days of dementia before his diagnosis). Ironically, both have been caregivers for other family members with dementia; my aunt was guardian and PT caregiver for 2 sisters with VD at the time and my uncle's FIL had ALZ and lived with him for a time.

My aunt frankly shared her opinion that dad's prostate cancer treatment should be stopped even after I shared my reasons. It was a recurrence of a moderately aggressive one and the plan was to keep the cancer out of his bones so he could remain ambulatory. Plus, he was aggressive in the middle stages and androgen deprivation therapy helped with that.

My uncle called and complained about the rehab the hospital sent him to ("too dark"), the community into which I moved my parents (he liked a newer place they couldn't afford) and called me cheap for not putting a TV in dad's MC suite at a time when dad was confused and terrified by what he saw on TV thinking it was real.

Families are hard.

Wilted Daughter

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Yes, family dynamics can be very hard.