My Stage 8

ThisLife

My DH passed on 4/17 at 73 after a 12-year journey with AD. The last five were tough years. He was in memory care for 6 mo. After being in a psych unit for a month, due to behavior. He went to a second MC at mid stage 6, developed aspiration pneumonia and was gone in 5 weeks.

This week I finished the required paperwork for previous employers, LTC reimbursement, life insurance, etc. I still have to fight it out with a MC who kicked him out on the second of the month, but still took full payment for that month; and I need to complete the paperwork for VA spousal benefits. (I sent them the form of intent to file.) I feel accomplished but it was a slog dealing with these agencies!

The first couple of months were a fog which cleared. I've never been much of a crier, pretty stoic. I've gone to a grief support group 6 times, but I can't relate. I remember my mom being devastated when my dad died suddenly at 54yrs. The spouses at the support group are devasted. I'm not. We didn't have any plans for what we'd do together in retirement. He'd been retired for 6 yrs. before diagnosis and was doing his retired thing. I was still working anticipating 7-10 yrs. before I retired. So, no future plans to grieve. I retired two yrs. after diagnosis because he could not be alone for long periods of time. I miss the man he was in his fifties/early sixties, but not the man I spent the last 10 years with. I've always dealt with the adulting activities, and the last 10 yrs. without consulting him. I'm relieved that he is no longer in misery. He had anosognosia; he was fine! I was his trigger for anger over why he couldn't do things he wanted to do before placement, and I needed to get him out of MC. With all the anger, verbal and physical abuse that went with AD. We all spend years witnessing every piece take from the PWD.

I'm 70 and want to enjoy at least a few years in the next phase before I no longer can physically. I feel like a fraud sitting in a grief support group completely out of sync with what they are justifiably experiencing. Is there anyone who can relate to any of this?

feelsad

Hi, my wife has passed away on 7/28 after 7 years of slowly and then speedily advancing AD, at age of 59. She developed the blood clot resulting in cordiac arrest and died after 2 weeks in hospital and hospice. I'm 66. I think I need a support group of people who went through the same experience and lost their spouse. I do not think that therapy can help me to come to terms with my sudden loss even if my late wife was constantly angry with me, abused me verbally, bit me physically, etc. This feeling of being lonely and not being able to understand why she died so young is not going away but, on the contrary, getting more intense. Not sure what to do!

Any advice please, any group recomendation I'll greatly appreciate.

ThisLife

I'm so sorry for the loss of your DW. You were both very young and a sudden end added to that. You are probably just coming out of the initial fog of loss where you are no longer numb which may be why you're experiencing the loss more intensely.

Hospice offers grief support groups and usually has a group for the newly bereaved. They meet for 8 sessions and follow a format for exploring the facets of loss and recovery giving small steps for moving forward at each session. I would suggest giving this a try.

I want you to know the feelings you're having are very normal. Therapy may help you process abuse you had with a DW driven by a deteriorating brain from dementia. It was a frightening and emotion infused time where you were trying to survive which is trauma.

I've been attending a spousal bereavement group. The disconnect I find is that they have lost a spouse suddenly or after a brief (compared to dementia) decline. That is not to minimize their loss at all! But most think that having to support spouse with a chronic illness is the same as losing the person they were over many years. I wish there were support groups for people who have lost someone to dementia.

I'm wishing you a measure of comfort and peace for today.