EOAD Delusions about son, advice?

GARYSHIRLEY1966

Hi,
My husband has EOAD. In middle stage. He believes our son has brought his friends over and they ate all the food. Current he does not want to see our son when he visits and is upset/restless when he is here. For now our son is staying away while we figure this out.
My husband also will say I don’t know where our son is haven’t seen him. Thinks he moved away.
Any advice appreciated, thanks. (Working with Doctor on medication too.)

Lucy C

It sounds like you are doing the right things, including working with the doctor. The only thing that can really be said about any stage of dementia—be it good or bad—is "this too shall pass." Of course, for the bad parts, it always takes longer to pass than we want it to.

❤️

Iris L.

Your DH may have a different picture in his mind of who your son is. Be aware that a PWD may not recognize his own reflection in a mirror and believe it to be another person. At the same time, delusions arise all the time. Limit television, a PWD may believe stories and commercials are happening in real life.

Suggestion: you may try having DS change his appearance and bring a small gift, such as cookies to munch on. Don't mention the delusion. Go for a walk, or do a failure-free activity.

Iris

harshedbuzz

@GARYSHIRLEY1966

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but glad you found this place.

Has their relationship typically been a good one or were their times of discord? How upset does your DH get? Is it uncharacteristic peevishness? Does he become and remain agitated after your son leaves? Does the upset escalate to aggression? Does your DH tolerate other visitors?

My takes on this are a bit different than the others.

My first thought is, given the relatively benign accusation, that your DH may be time traveling to a period when, perhaps, your son was going through a growth spurt and seemingly eating you out of house and home. Dad sometimes thought his kids were upstairs refusing to go to bed— I was 58 at the time. Dad liked the 1970s and spent a lot of time their mentally— talking about his friends from that era and even asking after his favorite outfits.

Another thought is that you have become your DH's "person" and in his vulnerable state, your DH feels threatened by the attention you are giving your son. He may even not recognize your son or the nature of the relationship and think you're entertaining another man.

This could even be a confabulation and script combination. Conflated memories were dad's superpower. This is when you recall the gist of an event but not the details about who, what, where and when. This you and your friends came and ate all the food was a common subject of folks teasing teenaged boys when I was a kid. I can even remember it as a cringy source of amusement at my house, among friends' families and later even with some of the old scout volunteers when my kid was scouting. I wonder if this observation was ever made about your DH given his age. It could even be that once your DH did set aside something to eat later only to find your son got to it.

My dad thought I stole $360K from him. I heard about it a lot. Folks here suggested I apologize and promise not to do it every again. This was hard for me— dad wasn't the sweet "daddy" kind of dad, and we never had an easy relationship. He accused me unfairly many times before dementia set in but with his social filter gone, it seemed there was no shame in it for him.

That said, once when he was mid-screed, and I was videotaping it for his geri-psychiatrist to get his meds adjusted, I did apologize for this ludicrous transgression. And as the wiser heads here predicted, he calmed right down and said "good".

I also found dad very jealous of the attention mom gave me. My habit was to drop by and find her in the kitchen avoiding him (the TV cranked up loud and repeated questions) where she'd update me on the last day or two and we'd chat. He'd sense her pleasure at adult conversation and do all in his power to offend me and run me out. I changed my tactics— I went into the living room first and paid my respects to him. Often, I picked up a small treat just for him like a soft pretzel or his favorite but obscure candy bar. He could tolerate company for about 10 minutes after which I went and hung out with mom in the kitchen or chased her out to run an errand by herself.

Towards the latter part of stage 6, dad didn't like any visitors coming to the house. He might be happy to see a single grandchild for 5-10 minutes but family or holiday celebrations with anyone besides mom upset him. This was surprising as dad had been a real party animal and said family was a total of 4-5 quiet adults.

I hope you can find a fix for this.

HB