What does it mean when they don't know they are home?

mathreader

Tonight has been so hard. My DH just wants to go to our home - but we are home. He's angry that I won't go home, he doesn't believe me that we live here. He tells me he is being treated horribly. He says he can't imagine being treated his horribly. I am a really patient person. I work every day to treat him well. I know he doesn't know what he is saying, but does it ever get easy???? He says he has seen people (but they are always gone after he sees them). I'm so sad because I work so hard to take care of him. I look for everything he is missing. I help with everything he does. I watch all his meds. I make his food, do his laundry, and do his dishes as well as everything else. This is so hard. We go back for more neuropsychological testing tomorrow. Not that it will help, but maybe it will justify the decline I am seeing. I'm beginning to think it's vascular dementia. Just venting here, but I have no where else to go.

mathreader

Oh, and also, going out for even an hour is so hard. When he figures out how to call me his is annoyed I am gone. If I am here, he needs help with everything. He doesn't want anyone else here to help. But, he is aware. So, if you ask if he is ready to be placed, the answer is no. I just don't know how to handle this. I tried having my grandson in to sit with him but he hated "being babysat". I may be going a little crazy. Any thoughts you have will be appreciated

clarinetist

for the last two years my DH has wanted to go home every night, and still does at the memory care. I usually say well, it’s too late to go home tonight. We’ll go in the morning. Rinse and repeat.

M1

Mathreader, i would get a message to his doctors about his being delusional, you've posted about this before. Sounds definitely like he's sundowning badly. He would probably benefit from an atypical antipsychotic like Seroquel or risperdal.

why do you think it's too soon to consider placement? It's not likely safe to leave him alone at all at this point.

sonnyhad

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70592/what-does-it-mean-when-they-dont-know-they-are-home

I hear ya. I'm not that far but have sure seen decline this year. I can see it not going to get easier. She pretty angry.

Pat6177

math reader, you’re right, it is hard. Given your description of his behavior, I’m guessing that he is no longer able to be reasoned with. Which means you need to go for fiblets. Fiblets are meant to ease our PWDs’ anxiety. When he wants to go home, do as clarinetist does - provide a reason why it can’t happen right now but it will happen later. Oh, the hot water tank burst, we can’t live there for a few days. There was a big car anccident and you can’t make it to the house till tomorrow. Ask him to tell you what that home is like. He may or may not be able to provide details but it shows you’re interested. When he says he’s being treated poorly, commiserate with him, ask him what they are doing that’s so terrible. Then tell him you’ll speak to the person or call the supervisor.
He has no idea what you are doing for him. He just knows nothing is familiar. Nothing feels good. Nothing feels safe.
As M1 says, medication may calm him, make him feel better.

And I’m not sure what the conditions are that would indicate that it’s time to place him. Maybe start another discussion about that issue. What I have learned from reading on here is that there are no hard and fast rules re when to place our LOs. It’s individual for every couple. And caregiver stress is as important as the PWDs needs.

Joe C.

As other have suggested it is time for fiblets, don’t bother trying to explain that he is home. I would say it is late, I’m to tired to drive, going to rain/snow or we will need to wait awhile before we leave due to traffic. Sometimes I would get her into the car and go for a short ride then when we came back she would be OK for a while. You need to figure out what excuse might appease him for a while and use it. His short term memory is likely as the point where he does not remember what you told him 15 minutes ago so you can probably use the same excuses over and over.