Is there really a good place?

kblau

What is the point of memory care? I feel like my mom won’t ever be happy anywhere. Couldn’t hack it in assisted living. But I have never seen her this depressed. Like what is the point of any of these places?

fmb

I am reading between the lines and hearing frustration, concern, and maybe a little guilt at seeing your mother's emotional state. In reading another of your posts, I understand that your mom has been in MC for only a couple of weeks. It is early days still. Some PWD take longer than others to settle in. Give it time. The MC staff can help give you an objective opinion on how she is acclimating when you are not there. If they also have concerns, then a doctor can evaluate and prescribe an antidepressant. My mother voluntarily moved from AL to MC, saying that she did not feel safe in AL. After moving to MC though, she became depressed and began to rapidly lose weight. A few months later, she is taking an antidepressant and has settled in to the routine and is gaining weight. As she wrote to me in May, she is 'not unhappy.'

Obviously the point of MC is primarily to keep the PWD safe and to provide the more structured and appropriately stimulating environment that they need. In dementia care the priorities become safe, clean, and comfortable. While happy is good, sometimes we just have to settle for 'not unhappy.'

M1

Or....we just have to settle for safe and supervised. I think only the lucky few are actually content and blissfully oblivious. Happy is wishful thinking for many of us. I am just happy that the people are nice and the food is good at our facility. But it is very early days yet kblau.

psg712

Not only your mom, but also you are adjusting to her new living arrangement. And to the reality that her dementia is advanced enough that she could not "hack it" in AL. That's a lot to take in for you. Give it some time. And if you have family and friends who are questioning the move to MC, it's ok to let them know that you are on overload right now and it's not a good time to discuss it.

harshedbuzz

@kblau

Safe and cared for may be as good as it gets. Her capacity for "happiness" will be impacted not only on her personality and how her brain disease impacts her. It may be beyond her to be content.

What you want is a dementia-informed environment where she is safe and supported and doesn't have to expend energy to keep up or become frustrated when she can't "hack it".

One bonus was that MC allowed my mom to step away from the constant battle of wills with her DH who behaved like a recalcitrant preschooler around care and go back to being a doting wife. That change improved quality of life for both.

In the meantime, do consider medication for depression/anxiety. PWD lack the executive function to use strategies to manage situational depression. If the MC is on the same site as the AL, is there a possibility for her to attend some of their activities if there were any she enjoyed? My aunt was included with the AL program's crafts and outings for a few years when she first went into care.

HB

Anonymousjpl123

@kblau sometimes we settle for safe and supervised, sometimes MC can be a great option. I am here to attest that my mother started out miserable in her first MC and came to like it, and was then miserable in her new MC but has now come to like it.

I agree with others - this disease is really, really hard and it is a lot to ask of someone to be happy while struggling with it. But one thing I have learned in my mom’s current place has really helped me. They showed a brief video of Naomi Feil, who pioneered a form of dementia care that is validation based. It really helped me understand how to cope with my mom’s unhappiness. She is less unhappy now.

Hang in there. This is not easy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESqfW_kyZq8

kblau

its been awhile since I’ve been able to respond here. I read each of these comments multiple times over. The past few weeks. Thank you for getting me through this. It’s been a tough transition. Still. Many times I’ve wanted to say screw it come and live with me (I know that’s not safe or even okay to do at this point). I can’t believe it’s been a month already.

kblau

I just wanted to leave another follow up comment here….

That video above has really helped me tremendously with my mom. THANK YOU!

it’s been 5 weeks and I can finally say, today, my mom did not cry or ask me to leave when I saw her. I understand things are always up and down but I am at peace that today I saw progress for the first time.

it’s been a tough transition overall. My mom is young, had a 3 month stint in AL at another facility, and to add to it the Director of the MC unit was promoted to a diff location a couple of weeks ago. So staff turnover in the midst of it.

Here are my honest thoughts:

• mom couldn’t be cut off from me cold turkey. It wasn’t fair or right considering how involved she is as a grandma. I know that was scary for her too and I was her calming/safe person. She needed to be weened off.
• Organically the weening off process occurred after the first cold turkey 10 days.
  
• Until I felt comfortable wit the staff, I kept an Alexa in her room to drop in and say hi and check in on her. Combined with 3x/week quick visits.
• She learned she could call me from Alexa and this became a nightmare.
• I saw her 2 days in a row and had to take her to the doctors for a FU so she spent a lot of time with me. Saw her to fix the Alexa so it would stop callling me on day 1, Day 2 she wouldn’t let anyone shower her so I did and then day 3 quick doctor appointment.
• The next day my mom unplugged the Alexa out of frustration. Its been unplugged ever since (4 days now)
• didn’t visit for 4 days after that.
  
• When I went today she was FINE, okay, not nervous. Engaged with others and happy to see me and okay to say bye.

Ive learned:

• Always come with something
• Come prepared with stories to entertain and pictures
• The photos I was sending on the Alexa was confusing her. Keep it simple.
• Make her feel pretty - new lip gloss, blow dry hair
• Conditioner with essential oils
• Creams and lotions
• Straighten up so things are visually appealing.
  
• Ask her opinion on things - easy questions - visual ones….do you like my new hair color? What about this dress for my work trip coming up? Husband is planting trees for next season which ones should we get? Etc.

(Another tip I learned, if she asks me where do I live or when am I going home. I reply with - mom let me ask you - do you like it here? In this room? Okay good. You don’t have to go anywhere.) this works everytime. Bring back to present.

💕