The Estate Sale

H1235

Before mom was diagnosed her living situation was not good. Her granddaughter and her three kids lived with her a took advantage of her. Mom was overwhelmed by the mess an unable to cope. To clean the house she would get a box and dump everything from the coffee tables and really every surface into the box. Then stuff the box away. Getting ready for the estate sale has been like cleaning 100 junk drawers. The problem is I never know what I’m going to find. This was the first sale and I’ve barely scratched the surface. I worked all summer to get things ready. Mom made me promise I would never allow strangers go through her things, and I’m trying hard to honor that. She doesn’t know about the sale so I definitely feeling some guilt. She is angry we won’t take her back to her house. I sad that the home I grew up in has been trashed. I live in a cold climate so I will do another sale in the spring. Since I keep the heat turned down in the unoccupied house I really need to start thinking about the next sale now so I don’t have to turn up the heat for a days work. The sale went well in that the weather was great. My brother did almost nothing to help and criticized everything I did (as expected). I’m so overwhelmed. I can’t even imagine I’m going to be able to get the house ready to sell before her money runs out. My brother can’t accept that he is going to lose his inheritance( 1/2 the house) on top of dealing with the house and mom I’m still trying to explain the difference between Medicare, Medicaid and Medicaid Waiver to my brother. My husband spends his time with our son who has mental health issues( that’s a topic for a whole different forum). I don’t know how I’m going to get through this.

M1

a step at a time. You’ve done great. Sometimes it’s helped me to keep a list of things I’ve accomplished today. Sometimes it’s as simple as fed the dog or bought milk. But it provides structure.

Don’t feel guilty about your brother or her things. It’s only stuff.

Wilted Daughter

As an only child who had to clean out/up the house multiple times, I learned along the way.

First thing I learned was to separate piles 1) keep, 2) give away/donation, 3) trash. I did not sell much…too time consuming for me. Every time my mother goes to the hospital/rehab or respite I clear out, clean up, change things around…it’s a process and she can’t attend. I read somewhere about having a pizza party where you invite helpers, family, friends to help and there are businesses that do this.

Additionally there are many online resources about this which may be helpful. You can’t worry about what people say or think…you’re doing your best and have a family.

It’s exhausting but you’ll get better at it each time.

psg712

Those promises: never let strangers go through my things, never take me to a facility to live, never sell my house...those are killers when it comes to burying us in guilt. Best case: don't make those promises. Second best: forgive yourself for breaking them when you need to ensure your LO's safety, financial provision or your own mental health.

M1

As HB memorably said, it is better to make a plan than a wish. No plans, no guarantees.

H1235

Even before dementia she would laugh and joke about how much work it was going to be to go through it all when she was gone. She never imagined we would need to go through it while she is alive. She left me a mess and no plan. I guess maybe the plan was Medicaid and a nursing home. There was no plan for dementia. I can only do my best. If that is not good enough to keep her at the nice AL, well then I guess she has to move. I need to learn to relax and chill. It’s something I struggle with but I’ll keep trying. Thank for the encouragement everyone.

Quilting brings calm

@H1235

You are right. You can only do what you can do. She ( and maybe your father) didn’t plan for this contingency. She’s tied your hands behind your back by making you make promises you can’t keep because of her lack of planning. And because she can’t safely stay at home in her condition. Now you have to deal with it. Along with a brother that can’t or won’t understand that the government isn’t going to pay for her and let him keep the money in the form of an inheritance at the same time.

Your goal is the keep her as safe as you can with the finances available to you. There’s nothing more you can do.

Lucy C

As Wilted says, you may not want to focus too much on selling. Choose out the things that would have sentimental value to you or your brother, hold any truly valuable items for sale if you wish (consider using a professional Ebay seller who works on commission), and separate the rest into give-away and throw-away. This should reduce the headaches involved considerably. (And if the throw-away pile is very large, consider renting a dumpster for a week or two.)

It's also possible that (given a too-short time frame) you may want to remove any sentimental or valuable pieces and then hire a removal service to come and clear out the rest, period. Quilting makes a good point as well: she never could have anticipated that her illness and other circumstances would make it unfeasible for you to keep your promise.

Because your brother is so—let us say, obtuse—in regard to the necessity of selling the house, it's probably a good idea to have a conversation with an attorney, and make sure that the whole sale process is legally watertight. We have used a real estate attorney before, and it just provides a comforting level of oversight in the transaction; and makes it very hard for anyone to claim that anything was done improperly.

❤️