What to expect in first month at MC

LaneyG

Taking the big step. My husband is going to MC today. A few things are bugging me. I’m not convinced either that he is ready and stabilized enough, or if this step would even be necessary if he had more appropriate hospital care in a geriatric GPU. Will be saying lots of prayers that this will all work out. Setting all that aside for now.
The MC facility is requesting that I stay away for the first week. They want more time to work with him so they can all get used to each other. They also say they would never force me to stay away. They also say I can call him and that they would call me if he or they needed me. My friends and siblings are somewhat concerned about this idea. On one hand I understand MC’s request. On the other hand I am terrified of what DH will be going through, and what will be going through his mind if I don’t show up for a week. I also put a lot of work into making his room comfortable and brought in many of his favorite things from home. I wonder if that will backfire causing him to wonder why so much of his stuff is on this strange place.

Wondering about your thoughts and what your experiences have been at the start of MC experiences. Thanks!

harshedbuzz

@LaneyG

I'll be thinking of your and your DH today. None of this is easy.

Dad's MCF didn't have a policy one way or the other, so mom and I did visit dad that first week. TBH, I think seeing mom (and me to a lesser extent) triggered his anger. In retrospect, I think he might have settled in more easily if she'd given him some time to adjust first although his orientation to time was pretty unreliable. Those first few visits were awful— dad was angry and verbally excoriated mom who was already struggling with the grief and guilt of placement. I chaperoned those early visits, keeping dad in public spaces to minimize the abuse and being willing to remove her physically when needed.

Unless friends and siblings have experienced being a hands-on, later-stage dementia caregiver, they are projecting.

HB

M1

Laney i think it's wise advice, and I am sure they will communicate with you about how he's doing.

We spouses naturally project our feelings onto our loved ones. We know how we would feel if suddenly dropped into an unfamiliar environment, but I honestly think it's impossible to know how our loved ones experience it, and their dementia may actually be a merciful cushion here. Because every environment, including "home," has become unfamiliar and unworkable to them. The MC environment is controlled and containable, and he may do better than you are anticipating.

don't worry too much about having familiar things there, i don't think that matters as much as we caregivers think it does. Don't be surprised if he tries to pack up-if that happens you may end up taking things back home.

you'll have to be very patient, people settle at different tempos, and if your visits are triggering for him you may have to stay away more than you'd like. This was the case for me for over a year.

LLet us know how it goes, will be thinking about you.

M5M

a question about moving to MC…no one has said they visited early on but just observed their LO from a distance, ….this of course would be for the caregivers reassurance that LO was ok, and to avoid distressing LO as they adjust…..?

sandwichone123

I stayed away for two weeks, and my dh never showed in any way that he was aware I'd been away so long. But when I went to see him he was settled in and I could take him out to lunch but he was looking forward to getting back to "home" to the facility. He would tell me how nice all the people were, not how angry he had been when I had last seen him. It worked out well for us.

Joe C.

When I placed DW I started visiting right away, the facility management told me it was not there policy to have family stay away in the beginning unless the visitors were upsetting to the residents. We had no issues as DW acclimated to the facility right away. I think her facility makes the call on visiting on a case by case basis. Over time I have seen other residents that the initial visits create agitation and in those cases I believe they ask the family to back off on the visits while they acclimate.

MN Chickadee

My father and I ended up staying away a long time, him longer than me. When mom saw him in the early days after the move to MC it seemed to undo all the adjustment and reset her back to her temperament like the day she moved in. He stayed away 2 months, me one month although I did drop in often talk with staff, stock her room, and observe her from afar. This helped us feel like we knew how she was really doing. She happened to move in right before the holidays and we sent a couple relatives to the Christmas party the facility had, and while I'm not sure if she recognized them they had a nice visit and were able to report back to us on it. In the end it worked out, mom adjusted and then dad and I started coming many times a week and had nice visits, and she would hold his hand and smile lovingly at him and it was like nothing ever happened. None of it is easy; the move to MC was harder on us than even her death I think. Hang in there.

Jo C.

Laney, I understand your feelings very well and send you a soft hug as you move through the dynamics of the changes being made. You are not doing something TO your LO; you are doing something FOR your LO which will enable a better quality of life for a longer period of time.

There is no one perfect way to approach this dynamic and it ultimately most always works out. We must more or less feel our way. If our LO would be upset at being "placed" in the new setting, it may be best to stay away for a week or so. I did stay away from my mother's admission for two weeks as requested by staff. I would not do that again as long as she would not be upset and trying to go home when I visited. Frankly, I cried all the way home and found myself bursting into tears without warning when having a dinner at a restaurant with my husband. Not like me at all, but there I was, broken heart and all.

One has to play it by ear. When my LO was admitted, I did not visit for the first two weeks, but a couple of times, I was able to sit in an office with a two way glass window and observe my LO without her knowing I was there. She did very well; better than I was doing considering having admitted her.

I learned to visit after lunch and to always bring a small treat or other little item. I actually hired a lovely woman from our church to make visits as a "friend," two to three times a week while I was at work so there would also be that kindness and it helped me as much as pleasing my LO. It worked very well for my mother and for me.

I found that not only did my LO have an adjustment period; I too had an adjustment period and it wasn't easy. Wakeful nights thinking and worrying and G-U-I-L-T. I had to learn to reframe the "guilt" and think of it as "regret" instead. A friend taught me that. We are doing the best we can for our LO under very difficult and trying circumstances. We have NOT abandoned our LO, we have adjusted the care so badly needed to bring the best dynamics to the day to day living.

I too decorated my LOs room with things from home. It was never commented on by my LO, but the room was personal and comfortable and I hope that was felt by her. I think it was helpful for both of us.

Let us know how things are going, I will be thinking of you.

J.

Jazzma

Oh Laney, I will be thinking of you and your husband and sending warmth and comfort. My husband has been in two facilities now. Leaving him there the first time was the hardest thing I have ever done. My brother came to stay with me for a few days and he was a huge comfort. Both times I waited a week before visiting. Visits were hard at first because he always wanted to come home and couldn't understand why he had to stay when I left. He would be puzzled, angry, sad, impatient. It was always hard to say goodbye. Over time I've taken to visiting every other day, arriving after lunch with a treat and leaving just before dinner. We go out shopping, for ice cream, or for a walk often. Now when it's time to leave I tell him that I have to go to work and will be back later. He seems to accept that though he sometimes asks why he can't come with me to work.

Be patient with yourself and let yourself grieve. This is a devastating disease and there is no way I've found to make it easier. After 7 months I still cry every day and often burst into tears anywhere. It just is. I'm comforted by knowing that he is safe.

Please let us know how you are doing. Many of us have been through this and we can hold your hand and understand.

White Crane

Hi, Laney, My DH went from the hospital to MC in January. I went to the facility the next day to bring him some clothes since he only had the clothes he wore when he was admitted for pneumonia. The Administrator encouraged me to see him that day even though I was extremely nervous and worried. It turned out well. He was still weak and not able to walk well but he was happy to see me and did not argue when I told him he was there for rehab. Since then, he has asked to come home or to go with me when I leave. Sometimes he is quite adamant. I tell him I have a doctor's appointment or something like that and that I will be back afterward. It's hard. There is no easy way around it. I still cry a lot and miss him so much but I know there is no way I could take care of him at home. Try to take good care of yourself during this adjustment and reach out to the forum and to friends and family. One day at a time you will get through this. Sending hugs.

Vitruvius

Having been on this site for about 4 years now, I think I've read every possible placement outcome. I hope yours is one of the successful ones. My DW adapted immediately and I visited every day from the first day. I backed off to every other day after a few months since she didn't have any sense of time and didn't seem to notice my absences. And now I often go three days a week, more because it just became too hard to see her decline on a daily basis.

I too decorated her room, largely with wall hung photos, grandkids art work, travel momentos, and her favorite chair for browsing books (she could no longer read but like looking through coffee table type travel picture books). In hindsight I'm sure these things had no meaning to her, but it gave the MCF staff and aides a way to know her story a bit. Several aides commented on various photos or momentos. And I hope maybe subliminally it made her room feel more "homey".

Placement is one journey that each spouse must negotiate day by day according to their unique circumstances. Those not in it 24/7, are unlikely to really know what will work best. Best of luck to you. And be kind to yourself, you've made a tough decision and it needs to play out a bit.

Lee39

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70647/what-to-expect-in-first-month-at-mc

Hi Laney, My DH has just ended his third week in MC and our transition was a smooth one. I did stay away two weeks with the exception of one night when he resisted taking his evening meds and I went in to give them to him. By the time I saw him he seemed relaxed in his new environment and did not have an emotional reaction either to my arrival or my departure. I do believe how they react is to some extent a reflection of their basic personality and those who were agitated at home will be more likely to be the same in MC and those calm at home likely to be calm in MC. They probably pick up on our emotional state as well and react to that so I have tried to project an upbeat demeanor. I too took in familiar things from home, family pictures, artworks (he was an artist) and each day I came in to find he had gathered them all up because he thought he would be leaving. As I understand it this is very common and may last quite a while. The one area that has not worked out quite as well as I had hoped is he is no more cooperative with staff as far as showering than he was with me—not worse, just the same. But hopefully this may improve with time. I wish you both a smooth transition

tryingtodurvive

tryingtodurvive

I put my DH in memory care on August 8th. For the most part he no longer knew I RSS his wife. I won’t lie the first day was horrible he was angry and then cried by the time I left he was sitting in the group living room and seemed fine I was leaving. Based on his doctor and the facility’s advice I stayed away 2 weeks. It was really difficult and I was a nervous wreck the first time I visited but he was great. He had acclimated to his home so well. I did an assessment a week ago with a nurse and he told her he’d been living there 5 years. He definitely sees it had his home. I prayed a lot and my greatGod answered my prayers. Hoping you will find peace with this part of your journey. I certainly have