AL nurse told mom she has dementia

Quilting brings calm

I went to visit Mom today. It seems she asked the AL nurse what was wrong with her, why couldn't she remember things. The AL nurse told her all that was wrong was she had dementia. Really- why would she tell her that? And why would Mom all of a sudden latch onto it and remember it long enough to tell me?
The doctors told mom she had dementia a few years ago, and it’s been repeated since. Mom never acted as if she heard it or understood it. I’ve always glossed over it by just saying she had memory issues.
So I don’t know why the nurse felt the need to use the word dementia all of a sudden. Of course she’s only been the nurse there for a year or so, so maybe she doesn’t understand that you don’t say that to a PWD.
I told mom her memory issues were nothing new and redirected the conversation. Hopefully she will forget it soon.

sandwichone123

My dh overheard the nursing shift report once and heard the nurse saying he had Alzheimer's. He was so upset he talked about it for days, although he'd been aware of his diagnosis at the time. It's possible the nurse thought your mom would fear the word "Alzheimer's" so tried to use a gentler one. You might meet briefly with the nurse on duty, even if it's a different one, and let them know what her preferred terminology is. They can pass it on to all staff in report.

harshedbuzz

@Quilting brings calm

I'm so sorry this happened. It's interesting that she's not been impacted by it being mentioned previously but did when it was a response to her question. It sounds like one of those moments of clarity when the "loose wires" connect momentarily.

I, too, hope this passes quickly. Did she seem upset by the information. While dad would cop to some memory glitches, he reacted to being told he had dementia— whether "dementia", Alzheimer's and/or WKS— with an indignant denial or calling the messenger an idiot. Because of the alcohol piece, his doctors were quite upfront about the cognitive consequences. That said, I don't think he fully understood the context and wasn't overly bothered by it.

That said, I suspect this is one trade-off that comes with choosing the familiar hospitality-model AL over a move to a smaller and unfamiliar MC unit. Under the circumstance, I would probably do the same, btw. The care just isn't going to be dementia-informed with staff trained in how to interact with PWD. Am I confused— weren't these the same people who left you mom a note to read when her husband was dying/dead?

I hope today is better for you both.

HB

MN Chickadee

Wow, sounds like that nurse does not work with dementia patients much or she would learn quick to choose her words more carefully. Of course it's that bad stuff that always sticks somewhere in the brain and not something pleasant. We always stuck to "memory problems" and acted like we were working on them, hence the need for her to stay in memory care "for a while."

Quilting brings calm

@harshedbuzz

Mom was upset about not being able to remember things. That fact that it won’t improve seemed to bother her more than the word dementia itself. She didn’t make any comment about what her future might hold. It probably bothered me more than her because I have been avoiding words like dementia or ALZ.

I am annoyed by this lack of thought by the nurse. Reluctant to pursue a change at this time though because I feel mom would have a hard time settling in somewhere new. She’s not far enough along for memory care but she would be far too anxious to deal with a new staff, building, and routines. The move between apartments in the same building was bad enough. I only want to move her once more, when she gets too far along to be cared for here. Truthfully I think her COPD will take her first.

I actually don’t consider this AL to be strictly a hospitality model. There is an on-staff nurse, with medication management etc built into the fee. The nurse communicates with the doctor and pharmacy directly. They have someone come in to do blood draws and the nurse will take urine samples to the lab down the street. There’s shower and dressing assistance for those who need it. That’s in addition to the normal housekeeping, laundry, meals, transport, activities, etc.

Emily 123

How annoying and insensitive! It feels so deliberate, too.

Mom went to the ED just before Christmas and her brash young(ish) ED doc breezed in, looked at her chart, and said "Ah! Just like I like them—pleasantly confused! My FIL had dementia!''

Thanks pal.

Just because they won't remember it for long doesn't give you carte blanche to be a hot mess bedside, or tactless to their face—so ill-mannered.