New to all of this

howdoidothis

My mom has just received what I assume is a diagnosis. The doctor put her on Aricept. I saw her MRI results, although they didn’t make much sense to me, the end result suggested AD. My grandma and great grandma had it too, so it wasn’t terribly surprising.
She still manages to do most things, but a week or two ago she was confused about why she is receiving a direct deposit each month. (Her Social Security) and today she went to her PCP for leg pain. Apparently they asked her about the neurologist and she couldn’t remember ever having gone. I had to show her the whole progression of appointments she’s had over the last two months.
I’m the only one here with her. She doesn’t have a social group and my brother is out of state. She doesn’t want him to know about it because “He’ll just
worry.”
Um. Hello. That’s what I’m already doing.
Anyway. I’m worried about the big picture. Money, safety, speed of progression. I know I’ll have to talk to her doctor at some point, but I also want to respect her independence at
this point.
I’m just sad and scared.

H1235

Welcome! So sorry you have to join this group. I have found a lot of great advice and support here. I hope you can as well. When my mom was diagnosed one of the first things the doctor told us was to see a lawyer. An elder law attorney is best. If you wait too long she may not be able or willing to sign the necessary paperwork. This is about more than a will, you will need a DPOA. A common symptom of dementia is anosognosia. This is an inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. In my opinion it can be far more difficult than the memory loss. Her reasoning and logic will also be affected (not wanting your brother to know). There will be many things you need to do that she will not have the ability to reason or understand why. You will also need to do things behind her back and even lie to her (therapeutic fibs). This is gut wrenching but often necessary. Telling your brother needs to be the first. He has to know! . There will NOT come a time that she says, I can’t drive anymore, I need help paying bills, I don’t think I should be living alone. Sure allow the independence as long as possible, but you will need to be looking over her shoulder at everything to make sure she is still capable. If she does not understand what the social security deposit is each month that is your sign that she is not capable of managing finances. She is also very vulnerable to scammers. With access to a credit card she could loose everything with one scammer. I set up the patient portal for my mom’s medical and that has been a great way to communicate with the doctor. It sounds like she may still be driving. In a recent thread here I believe someone said said that after a dementia diagnosis car insurance may no longer cover her if she continues to drive. It is titled “Preventing her from driving is worth it, right??”. This might be worth the read. There is just so much to think about and do at this point. I hope there is something here useful for you. Good luck on this horrible journey.

mabelgirl

educate yourself on the disease and so should your brother. It helped me immensely with maintaining compassion. Follow the advice H1235 gave, it’s all necessary. I personally would start going with her to her doctor appointments. I found my mom , although she’d complain, I really think she preferred that I was there. Prayers for comfort as you navigate through this very bumpy, twisting path you’ve been put on.

harshedbuzz

@howdoithis

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

You've already gotten some advice that is spot-on.

You said:

 I’m worried about the big picture. Money, safety, speed of progression. I know I’ll have to talk to her doctor at some point, but I also want to respect her independence at this point.

If your mom doesn't have the short-term memory to recall having a neurologist appointment or the cognition to understand her own SSA direct-deposit, she doesn't have the capacity to be independent.

Given that you're local, you may not have a clear picture of how impaired she is in terms of IADLs. This happened to a friend of mine who saw her mom for several hours daily; it wasn't until she moved mom in with her that she noticed the out-of-date foods, ammonia in her mouthwash bottle and drawers full of dirty underwear. Contrast that we me only seeing dad a few times a year because of distance and getting a clearer picture because I was there 24/7 and he couldn't sustain his showtiming that long. You might want to create a reason to stay with her a few days— plumbing or painting at your own home maybe?

At the very least, I would put a lock on her credit, be sure you're on all the HIPAA forms, change the WiFi password and do a deep dive into finances. Back when my mom was respecting dad's autonomy, he managed to day-trade away $360K and sign up for about $2000/year in automatic renewals. You don't get a do-over.

HB