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Merla

M1

I think you need to proceed with your state being the state of residence. You will be selling the condo in the previous state. So you need a lawyer where you are.

Anyone can establish durable POA with or without dementia, I held my partners (and she mine) for years preceding diagnosis. So I don’t know that she has to “consent” in that sense and I don’t know why she has to be the one to request to have the papers drawn up. This is why you need a CELA, someone who is used to working with dementia situations.

H1235

When I called to make an appointment with a lawyer the plan was for my brother and I to meet first and discuss everything and then have mom come in for a second meeting to go over everything and sign the paper. The lawyer said no way. As mom’s lawyer she needed to be there for everything. We were afraid she would get confused and not be able to sign. I believe the bar was set pretty low for competency and she signed without any problems. It shouldn’t take too long to get a state ID in your state. I would do that. Use your address. Then she is a resident. I was given DPOA and was told it was effective when signed, no wait. What I struggled with is that it did not take any decision making power from mom. Of course that is what convinced mom to sign. We eventually realized if we don’t drive her to the bank, give her credit cards, or take her to the store she can’t make crazy purchases. So it really didn’t matter. I think your too early in this to start thinking about guardianship. Tell yourself there is no limbo. She lives with you period(even if temporarily) and happens to have a house in another state that will soon be sold. I hope you can get things figured out.

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/223210#Comment_223210

My point is that she lives with you. I don’t think it matters that it’s temporary. Why does anyone else need to know how long she will live there. People move all the time. Tell the lawyer or anyone that asks that you’re going to see how it goes. As long as it’s your intention that she is going to stay in your state, I don’t see any limbo.

terei

I would just call a lawyer to get DPOA done in your state. Explain to your mother that YOU are doing estate planning + want her to be DPOA for You + (as long as you are there), she should do a DPOA for her. At that point, you destroy the POA that makes her your POA.

At that point, you have the DPOA you need to handle getting her help or placing her if you are going to. At this point, I would keep it simple…you can work on more complicated/elaborate legal needs later, but you really need to get a DPOA ASAP.

M1

sounds like a good idea Merla. What you’re probably seeing with the “going slowly “ is loss of executive function. She can’t get herself organized to get anything done any more and likely doesn’t realize it. But hopefully she’ll be willing to go along with something you organize.

M1

no, I think in your case the neurologist is a good idea. It might help you more than her but that’s okay…

H1235

My mom is also very slow. She has no sense of urgency. I think it takes her a while to process things. Regarding important decisions that need to be made, she still acted like there was plenty of time. I have been accused of being pushy more than once. This is something I have struggled with since I am not one to procrastinate and hate putting things off that need to be addressed. I hope things go well.

housefinch

We needed specialized estate planning for our children and had to go outside of my husband’s employer legal plan because no covered attorney had the knowledge we needed.

Anonymousjpl123

@Merla I basically did whatever I could for my mom in whatever order was necessary. Getting her a real diagnosis took forever, because she wouldn’t go to a neurologists. When she finally did, the first one I went to basically said she was depressed. Meanwhile, I had her condo president (a physician), the local restaurant she went to, and finally adult protective services calling me. So the priority was getting her care.

I wound up moving her into an Independent Living with AL and MC before I had POA, knowing she needed the higher level of care. It was a nightmare logistically and emotionally. And I dont have kids to worry about!

That said, when it came time for POA she was actually quite open to it, because I was already handling the move and the finances. The diagnosis came after an ER visit during her time in AL.

Truly, safety drove the decision-making. I wish it had been more planful and intentional, but it didnt go down that way.

I would focus on making sure she is safe, getting the doctor’s appts, finding a few places you are comfortable with and getting her on the waitlist if they have them, and keep trying to find that “moment” for POA. It will come.

There’s no perfect way to do this, and it is usually messy. Hang in there. You are doing everything you can.