Advice needed

Schmooze

Hello,
my husband has vascular dementia and is constantly ordering and demanding. hes constantly nagging me to do what he wants. immediately. i need to shorten his jeans so nagged again until i do them. i make sure the house is clean for him and he always has clean clothes. always got what he needs and wants. he explodes when he gets frustrated. tonight he has shouted at me and told me he doesnt want to see me again tonight. i gave him his meds and he was still stroppy. ive left him there. even nagging me about i havent had the jab yet, ive no control over that and his shouting is not going to get it any quicker.

the kids dont see any difference in him. its usually me thats the mad one. he takes the rise out of me and laughs about it. says stupid things then laughs. he can still cook but it doesnt wash things out very well. i have tried to ignore what he says not react but he scares me when he shouts. tonight for the first time in a while, i locked the bathroom door while having a shower. didnt feel safe to leave it unlocked. the other thing he does that i dont know how to handle is that he gropes. i have to go past his chair to go out the front room door and his hands is are outstretched to grab me. we have separate rooms and we dont have a physical relationship as such. we will hug and kiss goodnight but not any further. hes always been short-tempered but this is ongoing every day. i have to jump to commands. he presents like you wouldnt think anything is wrong. it hurts and all i can do is cry which seems to make no difference. we dont have carers and wont as he has capacity to say no. the dementia has exaggerated the temper he already had. any ideas?

M1

welcome to the forum. Talk to his doctors, medication may help calm him down. You could be in danger and he may need hospitalization to regulate medication if he won’t cooperate voluntarily. I have a feeling you’re not in the US?

Definitely have a room you can lock and keep your phone with you at all times. Don’t hesitate to call emergency services if you need to.

marier

I agree with M1. My DH was extremely demanding and angry. Medication was the answer. It took a bit to get the right combination. Dh saw a geri-physc. The anger and behavior issues were more prevalent in the earlier stages. He is now in stage 7.

I kept 2 things in my pocket at all times a cell phone and car keys. I also had a room with a strong door and lock. I also wore a cell phone watch in which i could call from.

This is a horrible disease and I am sorry you are having to deal with these issues. It is difficult at best.

Lkrielow99

I agree also with M1. My DH was so agitated and angry. I brought him to his primary care doctor and she put him on meds. They worked for about 3 weeks, enough time for me to know meds was the answer. When it started again, I brought him to the Emergency Room at our local hospital. I could not calm him. The doctor sent him to the senior care hospital and he spent 15 days in locked unit. The Geriatric Psychiatrist gave him better meds and he calmed down. He stayed calm but doctor said he needed to be placed in a Memory Care facility. He had taken a huge cognitive decline. This disease is terrible and Alzheimer’s is evil. It robs our loved ones of so much including the ability to reason and have compassion for others.

Do not take any abuse. Keep the cell phone, car keys and have a plan. For additional help or support, please contact our 24/7 Helpline at 1-800-272-3900. call the Alzheimer’s phone number and speak to a professional to help you make a plan. I’ve had to call before and they know this disease well. Learn to redirect, please don’t engage in his behavior. If he hits you, call the police. This will not fix itself and it may get worse before it’s better.

I’m sorry you are in the trenches and dealing with these behaviors. I know it hurts. Much love to you.

Jean loves wildlife

This is such a cruel disease. Please take care of yourself, take steps to stay safe, and find ways to get away and do something for yourself even if only for a short time. Love and prayers.

Dio

Maybe have your adult kids, I presume they are adults, stay the weekend or a few days so they can witness some of his madness. Your safety must come first. You've received good advice from other posters already. Have your cellphone ready to call 911 if you feel threatened at all. Keep car keys in your pocket and be prepared to make a dash to the car. I know how frightening it can get. I eventually had to place my DH in memory care.