Not asking for any help

mpang123

I had an initial consultation with elder law. Lots of paperwork and mom doesn't want lawyer to know about her finances. I asked mom about Medicaid planning and asset protection but showed no concern. I told her about her losing everything if she and dad need to be placed in a home and can't afford it in the long run. She doesn't understand the burden I will have to make sure they are well taken care of if there is no financial means. If they run out of funds, what can I do if they don't care about it anyways? Their neighbor is a hospice social worker and is trying to gain my parent's confidence but my parents are very private people. There is help out there but they just don't want any. Should I just let them be?

M1

No, I don’t think you can because they are not rational and don’t realize the burden they will be putting on you. You may need POA first before you can access the relevant data though. It’s really not your mother’s decision to make, sadly.

mpang123

I guess I'll wait until POA is activated. At least the DPOA financial and medical has been notarized.

H1235

People with dementia don’t recognize their limitations or their need for help. I doubt there will come a time when they say “Yea, I need help now.” As dementia progresses their mental age equivalence decreases. At stage 4 my mom acts like a teenager, sometimes even younger. Even though she can still do many things herself she still needs guidance and can’t be trusted to make important decisions. Even a simple decision like weeding the garden, she would decide to do it on the hottest day of the year in the middle of the day. She was very vulnerable to scammers. I guess you need to ask yourself will they be safe (physically and financially) if you let them be. And if they are safe now how will you know when they are not safe. In my opinion you don’t want to wait til there is a crisis.
As far as the lawyer goes I would focus on the DPOA. If you have that and are given enough power you may be able to move assets around as needed. So maybe make a follow up appointment where you can go through the finances with the lawyer. I know that feels so wrong! But she is not thinking clearly. My mom had problems processing things very slow. She felt no sense of urgency and thought we were rushing things. It is so hard to do things behind our loved ones back and To defy what they say they want because it’s what is best for them. It is uncomfortable(but necessary) to snooping into things (finances) they don’t want you to see. I hope you can find some answers.

mpang123

I got a list of things I need to get from my mom. I will ask her for all documentations I need so when I become POA, I will be well prepared to manage everything. I'm watching her closely for further signs of decline so I can bring her to the doctor to declare her incompacitated so I can be POA and make necessary decisions. I know the urgency to act. It's about time. I've been passive for too long. It's a wait and see situation. Hope things will fall into place.

mabelgirl

The DPOA should be enough if worded correctly. Did the attorney you consulted tell you otherwise? Not all states require a doctors assessment on competency to use the DPOA authority. If you’re not sure try it out with their bank. I think we tend to be too mindful because it’s really something we don’t want to have to do. Unfortunately dementia forces our hand. Prayers for strength.

mpang123

I never made it to hire the lawyer so the DPOA hasn't been reviewed. If I read it right, Texas only requires one doctor to declare incompacity. I plan on taking the papers to her banks and see if it's sufficient. I know some banks require their own paperwork so I'll see what is needed. I know I've been talking about getting the DPOA started, but I keep stalling. But it's time to get it rolling. I hope I can do all that it takes.

Quilting brings calm

Are you sure the DPOA isn’t good until she is declared incompetent? In other words, does it say that in the wording? Unless it actually says that, it should be good immediately upon signing. I made sure that mom’s said effective immediately. Now, just because I have the POA doesn’t mean that Mom can’t do legally do stuff on her own. Until she is declare incompetent, she could go to the bank, write checks, etc. She doesn’t though - she’s content to let me handle it.

mpang123

The DPOA gives the option for my mom to have it activated immediately or only when incompacitated. She chose the latter. But she can change her mind and let me be POA right away. She has to sign an updated letter though.

terei

Then I would somehow get her to sign the letter!

mpang123

I have to convince my mom to sign over the letter first.

mpang123

Thanks for the suggestion. I have to convince my mom to cooperate with the lawyer. She is hesitant right now.