M

Merla

popsey

If you are primary caregiver, which means you do everything for your parent, you have to have it. As to how you decide, my siblings and I chose to keep my DF at his home to try to give him familiar surroundings; he has FTD. I lived alone, so I loved in with him, but I work from home, which again worked out, and we hired a sitter to help out. She’s been a massive help on busy days when I’ve had projects.

mpang123

I have my nephew as coagent in the financial DPOA. We can make decisions independently or jointly. I trust my nephew that we won't have conflict of interest. One of the reason why we are coagents is that I cannot make financial transactions where I have to pocket any money from my parent's account. I have a form of Medicaid and HUD housing where I will be penalized if I have any assets over $2000 a month. My nephew is also the sole beneficiary in the will but if I need emergency money, he can give me money as needed. Trust is the important factor as coagents.

M1

Gender politics play into this Merla. If there is a daughter, it almost always falls to her to be the primary caregiver,,especially for a mother. Hate to perpetuate stereotypes, but girls are still raised to be nurturers more than boys in most families. I agree that your brother could do it, but I bet it would fall to his wife. There are plenty of women here taking care of their mothers in law.

H1235

Mom appointed me as DPOA because I had been helping her with finances for the last few years. I’m not sure what would have happened if my brother had been appointed. He struggles to understand things. I’m still explaining why things that were done with the lawyer one and a half years ago. Even with me a DPOA he still helps some. He will sometimes bring her depends or pop etc. He also works full time and I’m retired. I’m 45 min from mom(which is too far) and my brother is 10min. I’m pretty busy with mom. She still has her house (I pay the bills and am trying to sort through things), I have to pick up and bring her medicine to AL( her insurance requires a specific pharmacy), I bring her all her essentials(depends, distilled water for cpap, soap, shampoo, tissues etc.) up to me to know when she needs more, I also do all the communication with doctors and AL, I take her to all appointments, record and file away all receipts for every purchase. I knew I would need to do all these things, but I guess it is more than I expected. Unfortunately my brother is under the delusion we share jobs equally. Every family is different.

Victoriaredux

If by primary caregiver you picture your Mom in your house 24/7 , you should consider the impact on your jobs [ who will watch when you are working] and your children. A dementia patient doesn't always sit sweetly in the corner . As their filters fade and confusion grows they can , not always, say things that a child won't understand.

Perhaps, look for which home would be the best for her placement in both your areas and be guided by that.

fmb

We three siblings live at least 3-1/2 hours away from our mother, who lives in a MCF. My DH has stage 7 ALZ and CHF, lives in an ALF, and I am his POA and primary caregiver. My sister still works fulltime and has a husband with health issues. Neither of us have the financial means to make frequent flights to see our mother. The most appropriate person to be our mother's POA is my brother, a retired CPA with a wife who is a retired hospice social worker. They have the means and the skill set to handle her finances and advocate for her care. All three of us hold our mother's healthcare POA. If they can't get ahold of my brother, then my sister or I have equal and individual rights to make healthcare decisions. I am backup on the DPOA, as my sister does not have the necessary skills or personality to handle the job. My brother provides regular updates and consults with us on major decisions. We are fortunately in agreement about our mother's care, and the arrangement runs smoothly.

Quilting brings calm

How did we decide who would be primary caregiver? Well- mom and step-dad were living out of state and mom ( already not all there before) had a medical emergency resulting in an emergency move to be close to one of their offspring. His kids hadn't spoken to him in years. So that was out. One of my out of state siblings hadn’t spoken to them in years, so she was out. We gave my parents a choice: move back to their home state by me or move to my other sister’s home state. So I became the primary caregiver by default.

However primary caregiver didn’t translate to live in my home for me. Mom spent a month combined in the hospital and rehab. Step-dad spent that month in a hotel. He was a $&@* during the move and he wasn’t welcome at our home after that. When mom got released, there was an apartment for them in an AL of their choice 35 minutes from our home.

That was five years ago. I wish I had been able to persuade them to move to my siblings home state back then. If you are the primary person, be prepared to spend years of your life with this. If you are the back up, be prepared to become the primary when the primary throws their hands up in defeat.

psg712

Most definitely the person who lives closest to the PWD should have DPOA and HC POA. As dementia progresses, there are just too many things that need to be handled in person.

My mother made me POA many years before her dementia was evident. She discussed it with me and my sister together. My sister did not like to think or talk about incapacity or death of either of our parents, and assured my mom that she trusted me to handle both finances and medical issues.

We both lived a day's drive from Mom at the time. When it came time that she was no longer safe at home, I was the driver of the planning and the search for housing. I kept my sister informed and asked her opinions on everything. She was a reluctant participant in the process, not wanting to face mom's decline, but she did not argue with my decisions. With this dynamic, as well as with the unfortunate fact that mom and sis had a rocky relationship in our growing up years, it was most logical for mom to move near me.

My sister visits about every 3 months or so (she lives 4 hours from me), staying with me for a weekend so she can see mom. That's more time than they had together when mom lived 8 hours away. And I get to see sis more often too. So there is a silver lining. Every family has its own evolving story, and solutions will differ in each situation.

harshedbuzz

My sister went and died on us 30 years ago making me the only option. Sad as that is, she would not have been an asset in dementia caregiving based on her performance as a mother to young children or caregiver to her dying boyfriend. I suspect she would have pulled the "I can't bear this and want to remember them as they were" while attempting to take her inheritance while they were still living "as they would have wanted".

HB

Anonymousjpl123

I feel like the decision falls on whether the PWD has stronng feelings about who they want to live with/near, and who steps in to do it. I was absolutely not planning to be the primary caretaker but I was willing, and here we are. The key is that I was willing. None of my siblings were stepping up. We had a discussion and one said she would but ultimately she didn’t. I still love her, but it is just how it goes sometimes.