new to dementia

jennkatx

To start out with my husband and I are married in name only, the marriage died long ago, I do care for him, and we live in the same house, but different floors.

My husband was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago, but within the past 3 months I've seen some decline. I was in denial until he couldn't check the fluids in the car, he always kept a good eye on the fluids. I also discovered you can't reason with someone with dementia. once my eyes were open, I saw more, and it broke my heart. then his meds got increased and I saw a good difference and breathed a sigh of relief. Until instead of caring he is now more resentful of things. for example, when we go grocery shopping, I asked him to get toilet paper so I can get some more food. for some reason all our pets run out at once, I buy most of the non-food and what's left over I get food. instead of saying sure what else can I get like he normally does, he was resentful about getting it and was ok with me living on hot dogs and PBJ. My son will help get some pet food. I cried over the change, I'm not sure how to cope with this. we were thinking about selling our house and moving but was advised against because it could make things worse, now he's resentful about staying. he doesn't understand I'm doing it for him. tissue time. the other day he was back to his normal caring self.

BarnesL

Jannkatax , so sorry for what you are going thru. I am in the same position with my DW. We live together but that is all. It's so hard to realize that you can't win an argument or even have an opinion. You have to understand that they don't even know how their disease is affecting you.

M1

welcome to the forum to both of you. If you look to the right under Quick Links and Groups, there’s one for new members with a lot of useful information. You need to be sure you have power of attorney for healthcare and finances to be able to make decisions on your spouse’s behalf. Look into how to qualify them fouling term Medicaid in your state, this is important before you sell a house. An elder law attorney can help. And don’t assume your spouse can do anything they used to do, including grocery shop or drive.

CindyBum

Welcome, and so sorry you have to be here.

M1 is right. Elder attorney is important now to help get your paperwork and powers of attorney in order. Please don't leave yourselves vulnerable in what is already going to be a very difficult time.

I know it seems may impossible right now, but you will find your way through this terrible experience. You will get used to not arguing with them and accepting the world they are living in. It is not an easy journey, so vent away here. We know what you're going through.

Palmetto Peg

I had fallen out of love with my DH, too, when he was first diagnosed. Over time, however, I did come to love him again in a different way. He was a controlling, difficult husband, but as the disease has progressed he has become more dependent on me and fortunately he knows that. He will be placed in memory care next week when he returns from a hospital stay to hopefully stabilize his behavior with some med changes, and I am feeling really sad. It is like having a child who can't live in the real world and needs help to do everything. I think time does change your perspective a little, and I hope you can find a way to love your husband at least a little. It will make the caregiving so much easier. Post often here, the advice and support means so much! Hugs to you!

SDianeL

we understand what you are going through. Learn all you can about the disease. A book was recommended by a nurse that helped me. “The 36 Hour Day” which really helped me. His world is crashing and he’s trying to cope. It’s the disease. You can no longer reason with him. His “reasoner” is broken. The reason he seemed to resent getting toilet paper may be that he doesn’t remember where it is, he may get the wrong kind, there are too many overwhelming choices and maybe anxiety about not being near you and not remembering how to find you again. He may have some lucid days and then something will happen. Keep a list of his behaviors so you can talk to the family and doctors about his progression.