Memory care visits

Anonymousjpl123

I am still adjusting to not taking my mom out for visits. She hates it, wants to go out and not come back. I have a hard time getting there early, which is when they have activities. Which she never wants to do anyway.

I am at a loss for what to do during visits. We sometimes go downstairs and visit with others. She has no interest in going outside. So without activities, going for a drive, or doing anything, what can we do? I sometimes join her for meals but there has to be more.

What can I do?

harshedbuzz

@Anonymousjpl123

I found it helpful to always bring something— a soft throw, a hot coffee and donut, fast-food lunch or treat for him which distracted. And I kept the visits short— 30- 60 minutes. Mom stayed a couple hours a few times a week and had a meal with him and sometimes did things like apply lotion, trim his beard or nails.

HB

AmandaF

I have the same problem and agree with HB about bringing something to eat, maybe a newspaper or magazine, or some photos to look at. My mom has several small photo albums in her room and usually likes to spend a little time looking through them. Last time I visited was the first time she didn’t keep packing up her bag and and asking me to take her out/home - not sure what changed but it was awfully nice and I hope it’ll be like that next time too (though who knows).

M1

our visits have evolved over time, from practically none the first year, to daily now that she needs assistance with meals. For a while I came for lunch and then we’d do something afterwards, like an art prohect, puttering with plants, or sitting outside in the courtyard. Those have pretty much all gone by the board now that she’s mostly in bed, but we now have a television in her room, and she is content to doze in front of the television or music player. She is still resistant to most care attempts from the staff: today I got her bathed for the first time in three plus weeks. It’s easier to leave now because she’s usually asleep.

Emily 123

I think you're putting to much pressure on yourself to entertain her. Sometimes just going in to sit for a little bit or just putter around is all you can do, and it's enough. My mom hasn't really been social at the new MC, but she seems content to do a very few things and mainly stay in her room playing solitaire on her ipad. Sometimes she says she's bored, but I do know that she does things at this facility. It's because she has no recall of anything that makes her feel bored, and I can't fix that.

When I visit, I'll bring her a treat so we can have a little snack. She asks about the rest of the family and I show her pictures from their social media, or maybe I bring in some old photos for her to go through, or talk in general about places she still recalls. We sit and chat about the same things for a while, as there's not really any short term memory. If she's in the mood we'll watch simple things like nature programs on TV or YouTube. I loaded Pandora on her Ipad, so we listen to big band music, and then after about 30-60 minutes she tells me she knows I must have other things to do and I'm dismissed.

Some days she has trouble recognizing me initially because I look older than she's expecting. If she recognizes the 'older me' right away she's content if I sit and read a book while she plays her solitaire. I think she sometimes feels the social pressure to have a conversation instead of playing on the iPad, but beingsocial is an effort for her, and so that's why I'm given my cue to leave. I wish she'd let me lotion her hands or do her nails, as HB suggested, but she has never let me yet.

I know you'll find a good solution—it does feel awkward to not have 'something' to do, right? But in the moment she'll be happy to see you and you just do the visit for whatever length of time feels about right. I mean, I can't get over there on weekdays because of work, since they eat at 4:15. By the time dinner's done she's pretty foggy and not sure of either who I am or why I'm there, and she basically kicks me out after about 5 minutes with the 'Well, thank you for visiting'. So I do weekends.

psg712

It's hard to find something to engage my mom. Sometimes she will page through a magazine with animal pictures, play with a simple (toddler level) puzzle or pop-it toy. Sometimes I can get her to color in a coloring book, but this doesn't interest her at much as it used to do. No activity holds her attention for long.

She seems to enjoy seeing me, but conversation is tough. I try to think of things to tell her that will start her talking, but questions are frustrating because she just can't find answers. News from old friends falls flat - she doesn't remember them. Just sitting with her and offering occasional comments, such as pointing out a bird at the feeder, seems to work best for us.

Meant to add here - short visits definitely work better for her. If I can swing it with my work schedule, the best times I've had with her are right after breakfast for 20 or 30 min. Evenings, she is more confused and my presence sometimes seems to irritate her.

Quilting brings calm

There’s not much you can do, especially as she deteriorates. Now that my step-dad is gone, mom and I often work on a puzzle in the common room. I will get her grocery list. I will ‘fix’ things such as the tv as she gets the remote all messed up. I generally only stay 30-45 minutes. I go around 10. Sometimes an activity is at 11, others times not. I usually speak to either the nurse or another staff member on my way in or out to get their perspective. I can only do what I can deal with.

I was there on Monday. She told my son on Friday she hasn’t seen me in ages. I saw her on Saturday. She told me ( in front of staff) not to forget where she lives.

sandwichone123

I walk around outside with my spouse and go to the exercise class. Then we sit out on his patio if the weather is good and I read a book or on my cell phone. I'll look over his room and make sure things are in good order, but that's about it. He still asks to go home, so I say, "yeah, we gotta get you outta here," which he appreciates. He used to ask to go "relax" which meant on a trip.

harshedbuzz

@Quilting brings calm

Dad used to tell my mom I "was there all-the-d@mned-time"; lol, I was not his favorite although he did eventually like me. He would tell me "Your mother never comes to see me". We each visited 3 times a week; my visits were under an hour while hers were typically a couple hours long.

Anonymousjpl123

Thank you so much everyone for your replies.

@harshedbuzz and @amanda good to know the treats, short visits, and photos are the way to go. She is overall so much better than I expected, but there is less and less to do and talk about. I need to make this my new normal. Part of my challenge is I’m literally the only family that visits regularly - my niece once every few months - so she appreciates me. I think it is me who is uncomfortable with this new normal (sit in the living room or her room and watch tv, have a meal, that’s about it).

M1 - our visits are evolving as well. Maybe that is what’s troubling but shouldn’t be. She won’t do projects - hasn’t for years - ut maybe she will take a walk. She will watch politics occassionally and remember a few things which is great. But if she just wants to sit, or go home, maybe that has to be ok.

@Emily 123 @psg712 I’m going to try to videos, but my mom gets so bored easily too. When They (staff) offer ideas or activities nothing suits her. But she has made friends thank god. Family photos - she has so many beautiful books - but she is starting to forget who people are and it freaks me out. Like you, she appreciates my visits but news of others is hard. One of her friends passed away and I cannot bring myself to tell her. If she asks about her, my plan is to say I will find out how she is doing. I laughed out loud about your mom “dismissing you” at the end of the visit. Sometimes I tell my mom I will see her in 2-3 days because I have work, and she says “yes, me too.” Of all things she sometimes speaks of getting a job but can’t say doing what.

@QBC/Sandwich this sounds about right. I think my mom sometimes thinks i live in her place as well.

It is all so sad, but thankfully SO MUCH more relaxed in her new place. They just seem like they know what is going on and how to deal with everyone. People are more in the common areas, but more relaxed. Not drugged. We all watched the football games sunday. It is a blessing.

psg712

Anonymous, I totally agree with what you said about adjusting to the new normal. And that it is often tougher for us than for our LO at this stage! I have had to learn to live in the moment with mom, even though I know she won't likely remember our time together ... just appreciate it in the now.

This is probably the hardest thing to explain to concerned family or friends. None of them see her regularly (long distance), and they crave some assurance that she is still herself … the woman they knew. I have to remind myself that they each have their own path to dealing with the loss of who mom was. I won't lie to them, but it's clear that they don't really want the truth. The person easiest to talk to is my paternal aunt. She's 96 and mentally sharp. She cared for her husband with Alzheimers and she definitely understands.

CaliforniaGirl-1

Some suggestions for activities during the visit. It all depends on her capabilities. Try jigsaw puzzles. It likely the MC has some. Depending on your LO's condition - card games like go Fish , And if you look on Amazon there are activity books for people with dementia. Coloring books can also work. Otherwise I show photos of the family. My LO often doesn't know who the people are but some of them does. Another fall back is YouTube videos of animals and children. When my LO was first in MC we watched the sports she liked together or old musicals. It all depends on what their capabilities are. And just sitting, holding her hand and saying, "I love you."

The attention span really decreases over time and you will as you say adjust your expectations with them. What engages your LO now may not engage her in a few months.

If your LO is not scared and feels safe , that is the best that can be hoped for. If they know even briefly that someone loves them, well that is the cherry on top.

It is definitely harder for you. Like all of us, we are not only mourning our LOs as we remember them but we are mourning this phase of their and our lives as we hoped and imagined them.