Need help

judea3611

My treasure of an MIL has middle stage Alzheimer’s & lives at home with my FIL. They argue constantly, he is miserable, but he knows she needs more help than he can give. There was an incident & she ran to her neighbor’s home (through the woods) in her nightgown. We are not sure what exactly happened. She was taken to an ER, but insisted on returning home. Her daughter (my husband’s sister) & I had it all set up to go to a good facility. She said yes, but as we tried to get her in the car she became very angry at us both. My sis-in-law did so well with her words & comforting, but it’s just too much. She needs to return home (6 hours away) , so it’s left to my husband & me. My husband & I have been dealing with this for months & it is the hardest thing we’ve ever done. What to do? My MIL says she would rather die than leave her husband. She doesn’t think he can care for himself, & we tried to convince her we have resources to help him also. They also will not allow any home health care or any cameras installed like I did for my dad with dementia.

mabelgirl

Thank goodness they have you and your husband close by. In my mom’s facility they allow for couples to move together. It’s in the Al portion. Not sure if that is possible with your mom because of her past excursion. At moms place if they are an elopement risk they generally end up in memory care. Unfortunately due to that flight risk I think you will have to get her to a facility under any means possible. Her safety depends on it. I pray you can devise a good fiblet to get her there and then leave. If not it sounds like you’re headed towards a psychiatric path where she’ll be forced. I feel your heart pain and sends prayers for strength.

Quilting brings calm

get her in the car ‘ because we are going for ice cream’. Don’t tell her that she’s going to a facility. When she gets there, ‘ this is where the ice cream or activity or whatever is’. Then hand her over to the director and leave.
If you cannot attribute her walk in the woods to a UTI, then she needs to be in a locked MC where a code needs to be entered to leave. A wintertime walk could result in Death from exposure.

M1

welcome to the forum, agree with above. Don’t try to reason with her, use ice cream or lunch or a new doctor or whatever to physically get her there, that’s job one. You may have to leave her and not visit for a few weeks until she acclimates.

M1

I hope someone has power of attorney for her? If not, that’s the first thing you need, or you may have to sue for emergency guardianship. You need the legal authority to act for her safety and without out consent, which she is unable to give.

H1235

I know what QBC said may sound harsh, but it is probably your best option. Come up with whatever story she will buy into. There is nothing you can say that will convince her she needs more care! Trying to reason with a person with dementia is just asking for trouble. Does someone have DPOA? This is very important. Doing things against our loved ones wishes is incredibly tough, but necessary. It sounds like the move needs to be done as much for your FIL as for your MIL. It may be time to consider an alternative living arrangement for FIL as well. If there is another incident before you can get her moved and it is all just too much for your FIL then bring her to the emergency room, explain the situation and tell them you will not bring her home. This will force placement in a facility. Good luck.