Driving Stress and Key Keeping

jmack8

Hello. Would love opinions today! My mom has stage 5 dementia. She is currently obsessed with driving again. She failed the cognitive exam and as a result, has had her license suspended. Her car lives in her garage. I have BOTH sets of her keys. One I swiped when she first exhibited scary driving symptoms (she doesn't know about this) and the second set she gave to me to "keep safe". Well, for some weeks now she's wanted the key back and I will not let her have them! So I have become enemy #1. I don't love being put in this position. Particularly because I was her soother before! But I'm actually thinking that keeping this as is, the key safe in my keeping and her angry at me, might actually be the best plan…for now.

So the thing is that my mom is RELENTLESS when she wants something. And the car for her is about autonomy, it is about keeping her own things, it is about her level of productivity and effectiveness. Losing the ability to drive the car is emblematic of all the scary life changes that have happened since she started down the road of dementia.

Since her diagnosis, I took that original set of keys back in June. For some time we kept her at bay looking for her keys. We also submitted an anonymous form to the DMV. She got a letter from the DMV. We probably spent a few weeks trying to get her assessed and used the letter as an impetus to get her diagnosis. She was told she failed the cognitive assessment and for maybe a few days she was resigned to not driving.

Since that time, she is convinced that the DMV is wrong. That she'll somehow "pass the test" (her understanding of what the test consists of changes all the time) and she's constantly fighting the DMV, the doctor's office, for the key etc.

We tried disabling the car. She would just constantly call AAA for a restart or a tow, was threatening to bring the car to the mechanic, etc.

We tried telling her the keys were lost. She called the dealer to buy additional keys.

Most days I feel like she probably WOULDN'T drive even with the key but I would never swear that that would ALWAYS be the case. And so I just can't let her have the key to a functioning car.

I feel like me having the key, overtly against her will, where she knows where it is but can't get at it, is the only strategy that I can think of right now that she won't somehow find a way around it! It is even significant that I'm her daughter because she can't call the police on me!

I have thought about "disappearing" the car. I am not totally opposed to this idea. But I do think at her current cognitive functioning that it would be more devastating to her. I also think that if her car problems went away, she'd have something else to fixate on? She's also concerned about her bank account, the trust, etc. I think this outrage and worry would transfer to those issues.

I just wondered if anyone else has purposefully put themselves in a position of opposition. I'm giving her an obstacle right now. She has all this anger and outrage and right now it is directly against me and not doing any real damage!

M1

Good for you, if you can have a thick enough skin to take it. It might help to get the car out of sight (thus out of mind), but you are right that the anxiety would likely shift to other things. Is she on any meds for anxiety? Might help. Don’t give in, you’re doing exactly the right thing…

H1235

My mom is very angry with me that she has to be in AL. Believes there is no reason for it and it’s just wasting all her money. She demands an explanation. So I get sucked into it and tell her the doctor said she shouldn’t live alone, but she makes excuses and ignores all logic. There is simply no reasoning with someone with dementia. Anosognosia is the worst! When she starts in I finally have learned to tell her we can change the subject or I can leave. She keeps complaining and I end up leaving. My mom hates me. It’s a horrible feeling. We are working on figuring out the right medication and dosage, but it’s a slow process. Medication might be worth looking into for your mom. Driving when she is not capable is just not an option, don’t back down. Because of the anosognosia trying to reason with her won’t work either. You’re in a no win situation. Good luck, stay strong.

jmack8

Thank you so much for your support. We are definitely committed to keep her off the roads! It is hard to be the "person" who is standing between her and driving but I feel like I'm the best one for the job. I'll keep working on our relationship and whether or not she's angry at me, I do have some satisfaction in knowing I'm motivated entirely to help make her life better.