Leaving alone

tucson anne

This may be an obvious question, but I'd still like your thoughts. All of the literature says don't leave your person with dementia alone after a certain stage. My husband is clearly stage 5. However, he absolutely does not wander (doesn't leave the house), doesn't try to use appliances, pretty much sits in his chair when I'm gone. I do leave him alone—I have a careperson 2 x a week for 3 hours each time, but I leave him alone for an hour or so to go out to coffee, run a quick errand, or whatever. Other than his falling, what am I risking? He doesn't eat unless I give it to him. The most motivated he might be is to feed the cat. I simply can't try arranging care for those unplanned several times a week outings, but I probably shouldn't. Other than risking APS knocking on my door, ….

Phoenix1966

If a fire were to break out for whatever reason at the house, would your husband have the mental wherewithal to save himself and/or call 911?

Others will chime in with other scenarios soon enough, I’m sure.

SDianeL

the risk is any emergency. Falling or fire. I was leaving my husband alone for short periods while getting approval for VA caregiver support. During the evaluation, the nurse asked him what he would do if a fire broke out in our home. He thought for a very long time and then answered the he guessed he would try to put it out. Later in the evaluation she asked him again and he thought a long time and said “nothing” I was shocked. He didn’t say he would get out of the house. He didn’t say he would call 911. He was already having trouble using a phone. Later she told me that under no circumstances should he be left alone. I never did after that. As the disease progresses their behavior can change quickly and they can become more anxious when their caregiver is not with them.

jsps139_

I left my DH alone for an hour when I went to my Dr appt yesterday. That was the first time in over a year that I did that. I worried the entire time. What if THIS IS THE DAY that he wanders off, or turns the stove on, or falls, or gets really scared because he can’t find me. I don’t think I’ll do that again. I desperately needed a little break, but all I got was an hour of anxiety. They are so unpredictable - there’s no way we can know what they will do for that hour.

Rick4407

Take him with you. My DW went every place with me for the last 3-4 years. My Dr, her Dr, dentist, grocery store, whatever. We held hands and went slowly but we went together. During COVID, I was told only one family member in the store. I said she has dementia and was immediately admitted. I always made sure she was buckled in and her door was closed in the car. I like to think the change is scenery was pleasant for her.

elainechem

At a certain point, I was trying to decide whether it was still safe to leave hubby alone anymore. I asked him three questions: What would you do if…there was a flood in the house? There was a fire in the house? You got a bad cut on your arm? He answered all three questions the same way. He said that he would wait until I got home and let me decide. I got him started with a paid caregiver within a week.

M1

Anne, this question is like so many on this forum-if you’re asking, then you already know the probable answer. It’s one of many very hard transition points on this disease. I think the Tam Cummings staging tool puts stage 5 as equivalent to about a six year old- would you leave a six year old alone to run an errand? That might be another way to think about it. I’m sorry….

harshedbuzz

@tucson anne

You sound a lot like my mom's situation when dad was in that stage. She had a visceral need at times to get out without him for a break. Having regularly scheduled caregivers to look forward to helped some, but it wasn't enough. I think the lack of spontaneity wore at her.

During this time, I came over to stay with him while a team of HVAC techs installed a new system. Mom only asked me to come to prevent dad from interfering with the job; he had this crazy notion to create a pair of guestrooms with a Jack'n'Jill en suite in the upstairs utility closet. The spatial reasoning deficits where strong with him. Otherwise, she'd have left him for the 2+ hours she planned to be out.

During their work, the soldering set off the smoke detectors. They called down to me to warn us this would likely happen. Obviously, dad forgot. When the alarm rang, dad sat for a moment — maybe 20 seconds— and asked me what I thought the awful noise was. I said "smoke detectors from soldering". He looked at me blankly for what seemed like a long time and then said "The house is on fire, I must go tell your mother" as he slowly toddled off to the back of the house and away from any doors. In a real fire, he'd have perished.

Since you describe your DH as fairly easy going, perhaps a day program a couple times a week would give you the time you need at a lower cost than more HHA hours.

HB

White Crane

About four or five years ago, I was wondering the same thing about my DH. Could I leave him alone for awhile. I had been leaving him alone for short periods but I was getting nervous about it. Two things convinced me he could no longer be left alone. The first was when I asked him what he would do if there was a fire. He said he didn't know. The second was when I got angry one day and went out for a walk to cool off. I was only gone a short time but when I got home, he was gone! It took me about fifteen minutes to find him. He was actually just around the corner from the front porch sitting at the side of the house but he didn't answer when I called his name. Never again was he left alone.

Lkrielow99

I asked my DH what would he do if the kitchen was on fire. He waited a minute and I again said, the kitchen cabinets are on fire. What are you going to do. He finally said, put the fire out. Wrong! Take the dogs out and call 911 and wait at the neighbors house. I never left him alone again. I belong to a ladies soriety and when we meet I bring him and put him in the corner with snacks. Everyone has accepted him and most will stop by and chat. Now his is in MC. Much love to you.

Crkddy

I think you just have to use your best judgment based upon your experience with your husband's specific condition and your specific circumstances. For me, my DW is at home and in late stage. She sleeps late in the morning and has never tried to get out of bed without my help. I will leave her alone to run errands in the morning while she is in bed (equipped with bed rails.) Yeah, I guess a fire could happen while I'm gone, but that is such a low probability. What is more likely is something happening to me while I'm out such as an auto accident. That is what worries me. No one is walking in your shoes. Do what you need to do and don't worry about what others may think.

jsps139_

After reading some of the questions to ask, I asked my DH last night … what would you do if there was a fire here and I wasn’t home? He thought a little while and said … I’d pull that thing and run! Then he said … what is that thing? I said … it’s the thermostat. He said … then, I’d just run! Good answer, but I wondered where he would run to????

ghphotog

At a certain stage, probably late 5, early 6 my DW was terrified to be alone, even for a few seconds. I couldn't walk out of the room, use the bathroom, take a shower, work around the house, without hearing her sobbing and calling out for me. "Where are you??" Even now in MC she will see me, start sobbing, and ask where I was, that she has been looking all over for me and couldn't find me.
Years before MC, the reality hit me that if something happened to me, if I didn't wake up some morning, she would not survive. She could no longer use the phone, find the toilet, clean herself, eat, drink and much less know what to do in an emergency. That's when I realized I couldn't even leave for a few minutes to go to the store, run simple errands, etc. Then came the time I couldn't leave her in the car alone just a few5 minutes without finding her in the parking lot, again sobbing, calling out for me.

tucson anne

Lots of food for thought. I hadn't considered getting in an accident while I am out. I do discount the likelihood of fire—unless there's a lightening storm in which case I'd be home. There is always the issue of falling. But if I weigh all the issues and considered that if I didn't get out a few times a week i'd have to put him in MC for my sanity, I'm still going to go out periodically. But I appreciate all your concern.

harshedbuzz

The unfortunate thing is that this is one of those caregiving strategies that's ok until it isn't. And the first time it isn't could be tragic.

I will defer to your judgement on your husband but would encourage you to obtain a Medical Alert bracelet to wear when you're out. If you were to be injured while out and about, it would alert first responders to a PWD alone at home.

HB