Advice request

JoseyWales

Hi everyone - this is my first visit to this board. I seem to recognize more names here than I do on the spouse board. It's nice to see all your familiar names.

I'm having a problem that all of you would be best to ask for advice. DH is getting closer to finally moving on. It could be weeks, it could be months. Maybe even years. You all know there's no timeline.

My problem now is deciding on a funeral. I don't want to have one. DH has been in MC for more than 2.5 years. In the past 3 years, he's had visits from one sister and one brother and his father. His brother's visits are rare, but do happen. His sister is pretty diligent about visiting at least every 6 weeks. His father can no longer visit, due to his health and distance. DH's other 5 siblings have either never visited or have visited 1 or 2 times in the past 3 years. DH's oldest son has had no contact in the past 4 years. DH's grandchildren haven't visited in 4 years. DH's old friends have pretty much been MIA for at least 5 years.

We've been married 33 years, so it's not like I came into this marriage later in life and messed with an already settled family. I have the rights to make final decisions.

His family is catholic. We're not. My family doesn't really like funerals - my dad recently passed and we didn't have a funeral for him. I have no regrets over that and neither does my mother. DH's family likes funerals. His family is huge. They like that mass to go along with it.

DH would come back from heaven to haunt me if we had a Catholic mass and funeral, although that's what his sister is suggesting and wants. So that's out. The church we went to closed up at about the same time DH couldn't really attend church anymore. I haven't searched out another church yet, so there's really nowhere to have a funeral service.

My heart says I don't want a funeral service. Our son (who does visit his dad at least every month if not more often) is fine with that. I don't give a sh*t about DH's family who hasn't visited. It's his sister and his dad that I'm concerned about. I've also heard rumors that DH's brother who lives across the country plans to fly back in DH's last days. Why, when he hasn't even visited when he's been back in town during his last visits I don't know.

DH wanted to be cremated. That's decided. Add in that I'm cheap and don't like the idea of spending thousands on a funeral service that people will come to and pretend they're sad at while they haven't taken the time to visit him while he's still alive….

I thought about renting someplace for a luncheon and inviting his immediate family and mine. Or maybe even just having immediate family come to my house for the afternoon.

And this is where all of you come in. Because funerals for someone who has really been already gone for years and years are just different than normal funerals. I've already done my grieving. Any ideas for final goodby that I haven't thought of?

wigmaof9

Honestly, this is your decision alone, to make. When my Father passed in January, my mother insisted on a huge church funeral and the cost was $15,000.00. It just all seemed so surreal and was painful to watch all these people fawn over my Mother with their "sorries" and such. But NO ONE has followed through with visits or phone calls, following his funeral. I have no plans to have another huge expensive funeral again, when she passes. I will keep it short and sweet at the funeral home. I recently moved her into an assisted living facility, following her Dementia diagnosis. So the decisions are all on me. I handle her bills, take her to appointments, make sure all of her prescriptions are delivered monthly and visit her at least once a week (I live in the neighboring state).

So, this IS solely your decision. Be kind to yourself, this is YOUR husband and you have lived through all of this, not them. Make your own decisions and if you get grief from family, remind them that they haven't been there for him so you are taking care of it, on your own, once again.

fmb

Funerals are for the living. Do what you feel is right for you. If the Catholic side of the family wants to have a memorial mass (without the body or ashes) or have masses said for his soul, they can arrange that themselves. A private luncheon sounds like a good idea. Invite only those whom you would like to be there. You do not owe anyone anything, and the other relatives do no even need to know about the luncheon.

ThisLife

@JoseyWales Funerals are for the living. You are the one who has been present for this nightmare. It's your spouse and you are the one responsible for the decisions. When my FILwD passed we did not have a funeral. Mom passed before him; we kept her ashes. It was their desire to be buried at a veteran's cemetery in CA. I took the ashes to the cemetery. They notified us when the stone had been placed. We arranged a date to meet there with family to hold our own service.

I didn't hold a service for my husband. DS and family want to have him interred at a veteran's cemetery. Our wishes were to have our ashes scattered together which is in our will. However, GSs had talked to Grandpa during the last couple of years about the veteran's cemetery, and he had indicated to them he liked the idea. (DH didn't know what his wishes had been and as his clearest memories were from an earlier time.) This discussion was all news to me when it was brought up a few days before he died. After sitting with the idea for a few weeks, I bought an urn for the ashes and kept a portion back for me. I'll help them make arrangements for interment at a veteran's cemetery of their choice. It will bring them comfort and doesn't matter to me. I'll honor DH wishes and have what I need, too.

Memorials are held all of the time without the remains of the person. His family can hold whatever final goodbye they wish. You are not required to pay for it or attend. You and your family can have the luncheon and share memories and funny anecdotes about DH. You and his family can both have what you want/need.

Quilting brings calm

@JoseyWales

As others here have said.. funerals are for the living. And specifically for you and your son. When my step-dad died in February, he was cremated. His ashes are being held at the funeral home. When my mom passes away, she will be cremated. There will be a joint short pavilion service at the area veteran’s cemetary. The cemetary then will intern the ashes later and tell me the exact placement. This was my parents’ choice

Truthfully I do not think I could handle more than that. Like your situation, relatives have not been present. In fact, my step-siblings were a nightmare both while he was alive and then after. Not looking forward to being in their company. I don’t think the service will be well attended. The older generation/ friends are either gone or too ill to come. And I really don’t care if anyone comes or not.

I see nothing wrong with not having a funeral. Either have him privately buried, or scatter the ashes with your son. This business of paying thousands of dollars is not helpful. Our son’s funeral was $17,000 last year( he was 31 and his death was sudden). Dad’s cremation was $4100.

Editted to add: my aunt and uncle were also cremated and interred at a graveside service. My cousins did not put it in the paper and specifically notified the few relatives they wanted there.

JoseyWales

Thanks, Quilting. I appreciate your input.

I've decided to not have a funeral. He will be cremated. We have a plot already, but his ashes will be saved until I pass, and then we'll be buried together.

I've decided that his family is welcome to do a service on their own if they want to, and want to pay for it. Now to tell them. Most won't care I think, but he has 1 sister that might.

Buggsroo

hi Josie

M’y husband did not want a funeral so I honoured that. Here in Canada there are varions services that Will puck up thé body, cremate or bury it depending on thé family’s wishes. M’y husband loved our garden so I spread his ashes in his green house and lit a candle for him.
I think you should do what suits you and what you can handle. Gather your friends together and talk about your memories, that is the best tribute you can offer.

GothicGremlin

Hi @JoseyWales

I'm sorry I'm so late - I always kind of forget that this forum is here.

I fully support your decision not to have a funeral - for all of the reasons you stated.

Here's what we did when my sister passed away.

We did have the full on Catholic mass. We were raised Catholic, but that's not why I did it. I did it because Peggy's best friend is very Catholic, and he visited Peggy every other day in memory care without fail the entire time she was in memory care. He helped me out with doctor appointments, interacting with memory care staff - just everything. I had the mass to honor him. I don't think Peggy would have cared one way or the other about a mass, but I'm sure she would have wanted to honor him too.

What we did for Peggy (and ourselves) was to have an '80s dance party later in the day, after the funeral. That was purely to honor Peggy. We even played "Goodbye To You" by Scandal, because when she was in a band, they'd always end the gig with that song. If some people thought it was improper, as my aunt would say — tough toenails!

Months later, when we had all started to recover, the core members of "Team Peggy" had a lunch at a favorite restaurant. We sat in the sun and laughed, and shared memories and photos of Peggy. There were no tears because we had allowed some time to pass.

I say all of this just to let you know that you should do what is meaningful to you and the ones who were genuinely close to your DH.

Quilting brings calm

@JoseyWales

I handled the arrangements for my mom and step-dad’s joint service today. Very simple and ‘understated’. Outdoor pavilion service at the area veteran’s cemetary. Military honors for him( no gun salute). For mom, informal ‘eulogies’ from anyone who wants to share a memory. No minister- we don’t attend a church, but we will say a prayer as we do believe. The entire service should last no more than 20-30 minutes. Mom had said for decades that she wanted it very short.

Truthfully, I just want the service to be over. It’s different for me this time than when we lost our son. I don’t care whether anyone shows up. I would really just as soon that it was a very small crowd. The combination of their age, the health of their last several years, my being tied to them for the last several years, our life history together … who knows. I’m having the service because it’s important to our remaining son. He was very close to them in his younger years. I do know it’s going to be outside in Illinois in December in a windy cemetary. So - cold.