Looking in the rear view mirror

Whyzit2

Why do we spend so much time on looking in the rear view mirror? It is so useless. We ask ourselves those questions that have no satisfactory answers. We torture ourselves with guilt, regret, resentment and remorse. Why? We complain that it is so unfair that our retirement that was dreamed of and planned for ends up in caregiving.

Remember when you were a child and your parents wouldn’t give any attention to your whining? My Mom would say to me “look out the window and you will see someone worse off than you.” That was the end of the conversation.

There are no guarantees in life, life is not fair, are we so important or special that we should be spared uncertainty or suffering? Do we make a mistake in expecting so much out of retirement when some won’t live long enough to “enjoy” it and others aren’t healthy enough to “enjoy” it?
When we look back can’t we just treasure the good things and divert our attention from the bad things? Someone once said of an unpleasant memory when asked about it “Oh, I remember purposely deciding to forget about that.” If we only could learn to do that and look forward through the windshield of our life. We can choose to wallow in our misery and we can choose to find something to be grateful for each day. Where are you at in this caregiving stage of your life.

clarinetist

Guilty of this! For some reason I never questioned why this happened to us-into every life some rain must fall-but I definitely whine, and feel regret and guilt for some of my actions since my DH’s diagnosis. And those emotions don’t help the situation. I need to practice more gratitude for sure, and remember to enjoy the small moments: getting to hold my husband’s hand when he’s feeling calm, getting a smile out of him, and feeling happy when he’s more lucid and tells me how much he appreciates me.

LindaLouise

I am working daily (hourly?) on practicing gratitude, but that rear view window is triggered by pictures of my DH and me smiling from my walls, , notes he wrote years ago that I stumble across while cleaning, his tools still waiting for him in the garage, and even my little grandson who misses his time with his beloved granddad. I think the challenge is to process and experience the very real grief we are dealing with, the loss for some of us of a partner and beloved spouse, but not to sink beneath the weight of that loss. It's a balancing act for me - balancing grief with gratitude, continuing caregiving (even though he is in MC, I'm there daily) with engagement in the lives of my children and grandchildren, missing my DH and our wonderful partnership of 46 years with needing to go on without him by my side. This is so hard when he is still here - but not in the way he was. So - a daily challenge for all of us!

White Crane

When I look back, I don't feel guilty. With God's help I took care of him the best I could when he was at home. There were mistakes, of course, and even some harsh words at times but they were always followed by apologies and hugs and prayers to do better. And he had forgotten about it by that time anyway which was actually a blessing for both of us. Once in awhile a memory surfaces of something I would rather forget…something he did or said that hurt me. Those things have to remain in the past. The present is what matters. It's been nine months since he went to MC and I miss him just as much today as I did that first day. The difference is that I think I have finally accepted it and so it doesn't hurt as much…most of the time. The loneliness and sadness remain as I learn to live on my own without him by my side. Still I am blessed. Just today when I visited him he told me he loved me. So one day at a time I am trying to make my way in this new life without constantly looking back at what was lost.

Denise1847

I tried not to look in the rear-view mirror because it just hurts too much. What is the point? I am just causing my own pain by digging up memories. When I do, I have to consciously acknowledge that at least we got to have so many good times and a good life. I rationalize that everyone gets sick and dies and all things come to an end. That thinking helps to shift my self-pity a little and to acknowledge that everyone will go through such a painful loss and that this is just our time.

My rear-view mirror then tends to focus on his face when I have to leave him and how he looks so lost and sad. That is what gets me the most. I just wish and pray that his suffering would be over.

SDianeL

I needed this today. My husband passed Aug 12. I went to his grave the first time since his funeral and have been so sad today. I do try to focus on and remember the almost 39 wonderful years we had. Some days I can do that and other days I don’t. I miss him so much but am thankful he’s no longer suffering. Thanks for your wise words.

trottingalong

When I do look behind, I have wonderful memories of a man who never wanted children, and at the age of 46 met a widow with two daughters (11 and 5) and never looked back. We have had 34 wonderful years. Rough spots yes, but no regrets. He became “dad” to my girls and grandpa and papa to our grandchildren. I tend to look forward with sadness that bit by bit I’m losing this beautiful human being. But then I pull myself out of it and decide to treasure each day. It’s an internal struggle I deal with often. Thank you for the post, we all need those reminders.

ImMaggieMae

I try to spend less time looking in the rear view mirror, at least during the daytime, because the past is gone and there is nothing I can do to change it. When I’m busy being depressed or regretting our “golden years” not being what we planned, it’s wasted time, time that could be better spent on doing whatever I can to make the here and now better. It is what it is, I can’t change the fact that I’m losing my dear husband bit by bit, any more than I can change the past. What I can do is try to make his life as good as possible under the circumstances. I’m lucky in that he has never been aggressive or mean and while there were periods where he didn’t know who I was, he seemed to always know that I am the one who takes care of him because I am always there.

There is actually a lot I can do to make his remaining time better. By stage 6/7 there have been a lot of hurdles and things to deal with. Incontinence, difficulty swallowing water that isn’t thickened, sometimes chewing food, sundowning, difficulty walking sometimes, speaking only in whispers, and often not speaking much at all. There are ways to deal with all of these things although when they initially started seemed they seemed insurmountable. Now they are more routine. But this is my job now and for me there isn’t anything more important at this point in my life. I try not to think too far ahead. I have today, I have him now. I love him as he is. He’s still him inside. When he sits and holds my hand and occasionally tells me he loves me, that is enough. It has to be.

Jeanne C.

I don’t know. I think we’ve earned the right to be a little angry. I do my absolute best to be positive and grateful for what we’ve had. I’ve had a great life with my husband. I’m in a very privileged position where I have great care for him. But, yes, I’m ticked off. He’s 65 and I’m 54. He’s dying and I’m losing my partner in this life we built. I don’t think I’m special - frankly I think every one of us was dealt a crappy hand. So yes, I’m grateful. Yes, I look back with fondness. But we don’t really get to look forward anymore and I think it’s ok to grieve that.