Little kids visiting advanced stages?

dc27

My mom is in the advanced stages of EO alz. We recently moved her into memory care. I decided to travel to visit a week later to offer support to my dad who was struggling with the decision and to see my mom. I brought my two young children (6 and 2 yo)with me to visit mom. My mom often does not seem to know what is going on and she can’t really talk, and unexpectedly while we were visiting she started crying. After we left, her caregivers told us she was crying, distressed, and kept saying “kids.” I feel awful our visit prompted this. I didn’t think twice initially about the visit because they see her often when we came to visit and she was living at the house with my dad. She would have better days when we were there and the kids were running around. Plus, I want my kids to have known their grandma. I wondering if I should stop visiting with the kids? It feels like it is causing too much sadness for my mom as her beloved grandkids trigger some recognition of the situation. 

eaglemom

No one wants to make there mom cry, for any reason. I'm so sorry that happened.

Since your mom had only been moved to MC for a week, she is still getting used to the facility. I doubt if during that time many smaller kids were around. She didn't know and couldn't process what was happening. In your mind you wanted your kids to see their grandmother, which is commendable. But sadly in your mom's eyes she just didn't understand and was overwhelmed. If she'd not had visitors and all of a sudden her room was full of visitors, she couldn't processes what was happening.

Personally, I wouldn't take your kids for several weeks. You can go for short visits and show her pictures of the kids. She might not recognize them, but you are showing them to her. After she seems more settled down in a month or two, maybe take your older child with you. They need to not be rushing around the room, but rather very calm and speak to her calmly. Just a quick visit and that's it. The next time take your other kiddo and do the same thing, assuming the first visit wasn't upsetting. Then together they can come, but it has to be calm, calm voices, etc. If you see she's getting upset, that's your clue its time to go. Reward the kids for being good and reward mom with a hug and kiss that you'll be back.

Everything is new to her. Let her adjust and you go off her cues.

eagle

dc27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224878#Comment_224878

thank you very much. This is a new territory and your advice really resonates.

cdgbdr

My dad always perked up when little ones visited. Maybe there were too many changes in a short time for her. Don't give up!

Merla

I have kids who are similar ages. In our situation the baby (almost 2 years old) has a much easier relationship with her grandma than my almost 6 year old.

psg712

As my son has gotten older (middle school) my mom still smiles to see him. The change has been that he doesn't enjoy the visits now. I think he is old enough to perceive her progression deeper into dementia and it is uncomfortable for him. He does better when I bring mom to our house (though that is harder for her and for me) ...he can engage with her for a bit then wander off to his own activities. She gets to see him in person, which satisfies her. It's hard to find the balance between his needs and hers.

Jesstine Bacon

My mother in law lives with us. She just adores her great grandson (8) and does not like and even argues with her great granddaughter (9). ??