Humor me and tell me I am not a bad daughter

Anonymousjpl123

Mom is safe and settling new place. She actually likes it most days. I go 3-4 times a week. My car is at the shop, a friend is visiting this weekend, and I want a break. Will be 4-5 days depending when car is ready, but truthfully I really just want a break. I called the place and they said they would tell her, and others, and that she had asked about me today but is overall doing well. Please tell me I am not a bad person.

BabstheBus

100% not a bad person.

You know this already.

SusanB-dil

Yay!! I am happy for you getting a break. You need it. You deserve it.

agree with BabstheBus - definitely NOT bad. You are doing great!

Hope the car gets running quickly and not $$.

Anonymousjpl123

thanks to both of you @BabstheBus and @SusanB-dil . You get me. Just need that reminder.

SusanB-dil

((hugs))

fmb

You are NOT a bad person. You are actually doing a GOOD thing. You are doing what you need to do to take care of YOU, and that is very important. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and if we caregivers do not pace ourselves, we will burn out. That is true for both caregivers whose PWD lives with them and for those of us whose PWD is in a facility.

I had a similar thing happen when my car broke down July 3, too late to get it in for repairs until after the long 4th of July weekend. I had been seeing DH every day, mostly to feed him lunch and to deal with care issues. I was not able to visit for 9 days. This involuntary respite provided a very necessary sanity and health break for me. I ate better, slept better, did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it and didn't feel the least bit guilty about it. I knew that his hospice team and the facility knew how to contact me if necessary. When I saw DH again after the longest time we'd ever been apart in the 21+ years that we've known each other, he had no idea it had been so long since I'd visited. It was like it had been only a day or two.

Anonymousjpl123

@fmb thank you! I needed that reminder. It feels so necessary and I really want ro be present when I am present. I need to pace myself but still forget that is normal and not at all selfish. I know this, but forget. Now I can take a few days guilt free.

psg712

I appreciate the reminder too. My family and I had a weekend away planned last week. The weekend before that, my mom fell, sliced up her arm (21 sutures in the ER) and returned to MC. I wrestled with whether or not we should keep our travel plans. Mom was recovering, so we decided to go. I am so glad we did. She had no idea we'd even been gone, and we got some time away. Refreshing!

Quilting brings calm

You are not a bad person. I go see my mom 1-2 times a week. That’s all I can handle unless there are reasons to be there more often. It doesn’t matter how often I go. She forgets I was there a few hours later.
The realities of life are that there are things that happen that prevent us from visiting. Car trouble, our own medical issues, a well deserved break to relieve our stress. She’s safe and the staff will let you know if there are issues

sandwichone123

I may be a minority opinion here, but I don't think you need to visit a parent living in a safe situation more than once a week. I visit my (healthy but alone) parent once a week, and that seems like more than enough for a parent surrounded by others.

mabelgirl

You should visit her on your need basis. I’m thankful my sisters and nephew pop in on my mom throughout the week. I live the farthest away thus I feel the need to go 1-2 times a week. Even when I do go, she complains to my other sisters ; sometimes after I just left her; that I don’t call or visit her!

kblau

When I was forced into a break from seeing my mom, is when she actually settled in.

Anonymousjpl123

right right right you all are! @kblau incame tonight after 5 days and she is doing beautifully here. It’s a miracle. I pinch myself every day that she is in a calm, loving, and highly competent place now. She was happy to see me, but far from depressed and not at all as disoriented as I expected she would be. I am so glad we made this move.

kblau

I’m so glad to hear! Everyday may not be this way but some days are. Tg