New here - Contemplating my future while grappling with current issues

CarolinaWren

I am glad that I found this place. I have been reading some discussions, and I don't feel as alone anymore. I apologize for the length in advance. I feel like I just need to vent...

My backstory - I have been married 30 years. I am 53, husband is 54. We still live together, but have been estranged for about 8 years. We moved for his job, and we have no family here. I tried to leave several times, but it seemed financially impossible to do so. I discussed this with him 4-5 years ago, and he made some financial moves (bought a house on his own with only him on the mortgage) that left me in fear that not only would I not be able to support a household, but also he couldn't as well. I sucked it up and stayed so that my kids had a "stable" home while weighing my options. I was newly back to a full time career, and was quickly working my way up that ladder and in pay. By the time I was able to start looking at places, rents and housing prices had ballooned. And with the financial decisions that he had made, I felt stuck.

He had a drinking problem off and on over the years, but was very "functional" with a good career, etc. At some point, he started to drink very heavily - he was compulsively buying alcohol. He was shopping in strange, out of the way places. His paychecks were smaller than they should be. He would come home and just sit on the couch every night, and he was withdrawn. I can't tell you how many times I blamed myself (and still do sometimes) as the reason for this. He didn't want a separation or divorce, and I thought this was the reason. Eventually he took a bad fall, and was also transferred to another department at work. At that point I knew I couldn't leave. I was in fear that his job was in jeopardy, and was constantly waiting for the shoe to drop.

My worst fear happened in Jan 2023. He was sent home from work. He told me that it was for high blood pressure. I forced him to go to the ER, and his blood pressure was high but he was also jaundiced. I later found out from work that he had gotten lost at work and was wondering around. Someone had to help him. It kind of made sense then, as he had been misplacing things like his phone and wallet. I think his short paychecks were also him not completing his time sheet at work. He dropped my son off for sport practice and went to the wrong place to pick him up. He got lost going to a local store, and asked my son how to get there. I thought at that time it was all the alcohol, and I wouldn't let the kids in the car with him anymore.

Fast forward through all the doctor appointments, him going out twice and getting lost for about 30 hours each time. One time I called the police to help find him, the next time I found him by watching my bank account charges.

He had a horrible primary care doctor who thought he was just depressed, and released him back to work in March 2023 even though I objected and had discussed his memory issues. I finally was able to get him into a neurologist, who at first thought it could be alcohol related dementia. The most recent diagnosis is Alzheimers. The doctor has never discussed any diagnosis with him, and he still asks me when he is going back to work.

I am here now with a son who barely graduated high school and the15 year old who is now struggling and is thankfully in counseling. I felt ok for awhile as a "caretaker." I was working from home full time, and it just felt like the right thing to do and especially for the father of my children. We have no family here, his mother is deceased, his father elderly, and his sister also has cancer. They live about a 9 hour drive away. Now I am back to the office three days a week (thank god I get out of here some now). But, I feel like I am ready to lose my mind sometimes. I am lonely, tired of him sitting in the same chair all day and not helping with anything. He stays up most of the night, and nods off all day. The dynamics in the home are even more dysfunctional than they were before. He annoys the kids, and they also get sad and angry. I feel so stuck and I don't know what to do. Something gave me a kick in the butt recently, and after a very long time, I actually want to get out and do some things. I am now considering my options, with even separation on the table if it would be financially feasible. I worry though what my kids would think about that. I think after reading some threads here, I am going to seek out an elder law attorney first and then possibly a divorce attorney to look at my options. I wouldn't abandon him, but i just want a life. Sorry for the long rant, and thanks for listening in advance. I can talk to my family and friends, but they all have their differing opinions about what I *should* do. :/

trottingalong

an elder attorney seems like a good place to start. Also read the 36 hour day if you haven’t. He’s incapable of functioning the way you want him to. His brain is broken and it will get worse. By what you have written, he’s incapable of independent living. These are all things that need to be considered for yourself and for him. A sad story all the way around. I’m glad you found this place. Wonderful people here, with different thoughts and ideas, that help so much.