Parent has a plane ticket

Merla

my parent with dementia bought a plane ticket. She has been temporarily living with me for the past 6 weeks and is planning to move her permanently.

she got it into her head that she wants to go back to her former house and go to a dentist appointment, dr appointment and maybe the dmv. She doesn't have a valid drivers license.

I tried to convince her that she didn't need to go but after a few days of trying she bought a ticket. I don't know what to do.

I would be willing to go with her to the dr appointment where she will hopefully get diagnosed or get on her way to being diagnosed. She thinks she will stay by herself a whole month. She truly thinks she is fine and able to make this trip on her own.

What can I do? I do think the drs appointment is worth the trip but she would need to be accompanied for a short trip.

psg712

Will she be able to get to the airport alone on the correct day and do all that is needed to board the plane? If no one assists her to get there, perhaps she won't go?

Merla

I'm torn between trying to make this trip as safe as possible and just not facilitating anything and hoping she is unable to even get it the airport. The problem is that she is somewhat capable of attempting this trip ie she was able to buy the ticket but it took her a few days to complete this transaction. We're in this awkward stage where I'm trying to get everything in order to keep her safe but need a couple more months to make it all happen and until then she is essentially running her own life under my roof.

M1

Merla I thihk you're not getting responses because no one knows what to say. You're going to either have to go with her or tear up the ticket and keep her from going. You said at one point that it was a one-way ticket? Red flag. You can't wait another couple of months to get the processes in hand that are needed now. Trying to please/appease her is not working

mabelgirl

M1 is so right! I read this , had a chuckle because I think our LO are like little kids and she thinks she is going to run away! In honesty I would have no clue on how she’d accomplish it. If you know the day she’s suppose to travel can you be with her to see what she does? I would by no means enable the trip as you know it’s not in her best interest. I think I would watch to see where or how she gets around. The other thought is how does she have the buying power? We took control of my mom’s ability to purchase although she holds onto to her bank card , it’s locked at the bank. She can’t do transactions online and if she gives out the info the first use will alert us. You probably need to take control. She’s not as capable as you think but probably is very good at masking. I feel for you but I’m anxious for the next chapter in your journey.
Prayers for safety.

Merla

terei

As others have hinted, you need to take control of cards, phone, finances, internet…everything. If it is by subterfuge, so be it. Disable anything that gives her access to anything you dont want her to have access to. Destroy or cancel the plane ticket. Accept the fact she will not be happy. If you have to, claim ignorance: Oh, phone /internet not working? I’ll have to see about that. Dont argue. You want to go home? hmm. I cannot get away + phones are not working. I’m not sure how you are going to manage on your own.

If she is cognizant enough to get home on her own, I suppose you can wait for a catastrophic incident to take control. Under no circumstances would I ‘accompany’ her to go home. You are enabling her illogical decisions. Essentially, that is what happened to me. My parents refused to move where they would have help. They had a near fatal auto accident(my mothers fault) so I had to go cross country + just say ‘this is it…either you do what I say(sell house, move to senior living etc) or I cannot be any help to you and you are on your own’. They finally acquiesced.

Quilting brings calm

As M1 stated, we don’t know what to say. I actually think you are still trying to wrap your head around your mom’s issues and are in denial. You mention that she is running her own life at your house. That can’t or shouldn’t be the case if she wasn’t able to run her own life in her own place. Your previous posts made it sound as if she was incapable of doing so. She wasn’t able to manage previous flights successfully. How is she going to be able to manage this one? How she going to be able to book a return trip back is she coujd barely book the trip out? How is she getting to her house/doctor appointments once she lands with no DL? Once she leaves, you will be exactly in the same position as before you brought her to your place. You really need to get her in at least assisted living for her own physical and financial well being. With you handling the finances.

Merla

I know she isn't capable but I also don't know how to take control either as I have no legal authority at this point. I can't cancel her credit cards or lock her accounts. I can't stop her from calling whomever.

I have been trying to play nice because i still need her to go to drs appointments and get diagnosed in order for the whole process to move forward. My other major consideration are my young kids. I can't have someone going ballistic or being aggressive in my house around my young kids.

also my loved one has an incredible case of anosognosia so I'm trying to gain compliance using elements of her reality. Just the other day she was telling me how she is so grateful that she is in good health as she knows many people who are not.

I need something to tell her like it's not a good time to go back bc x,y,z. As opposed to the blunt truth that it's not safe for her to go back on her own.

Merla

I also don't see a huge difference between making an excuse like oh there could be election riots so it's not safe to go, oh you need to go see your parents who are sick so you can't go, oh the airport had a cyber attack, etc Vs the reality that apart from these reasons it is not safe for her to travel on her own due to her own limitations. She will just be defensive if I'm very direct.

Victoriaredux

There seems to be a disconnect ,I'm missing something here. You seem to have a Mother in need of physical and financial protection but you say it will take you months to get things resolved but she needs care now while you have a job and small children. Who knows how many people got her credit card and other information while she tried and succeeded in buying a ticket.

Have you talked to an elder law attorney about getting an emergency guardianship hearing after which she can be examined, adult protective can do their thing and then the judge can rule —assuming you have examples of her issues .That would at least her person and assets protected in the meantime.

You're not going to reach her verbally because her brain can't process those concepts.

Merla

I don't really have amazing examples of situations where she has actually put herself at major risk but rather it's just that she is very high risk for putting herself at risk and no understanding of the risks she could incur. I'm just following the steps thr lawyer told me to take which involve seeing a drs which takes time due to scheduling and I also had two failed attempts with drs which were just horrible experiences.

JM27

Merla,

Your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine. However by the grace of God I have got the finances ect in order and have POA.

If you need the diagnosis to move forwarded then go on the trip with her get there safely and get your diagnosis. Then get her back to your house.

In the beginning for me it felt uncomfortable and weird to put limits on things for my father. My whole life he was in control and no one would tell him how it was going to be. It is for their own safety and well being. I believe it was M1 who told me to try and take my emotions out of it and look at it as you are doing it for her safety and well being or something similar to that. That helped me a lot.

It is uncomfortable at first because you want to respect what they want or what they think is appropriate but at this stage they can’t reason and it’s a struggle. It does get easier. You have to find out what works weather it’s redirecting, fiblets ect.

I understand the anxiety it causes when they do something and you are trying to figure out how to fix it or keep it from happening it is emotionally exhausting.

Sending you clarity and strength.

NizhoniGrrl

Please take her credit cards and ID when she is not looking. When she can’t find them, help her “look” for them. She won’t be able to travel if she can’t find them. You don’t have to actually cancel them to take her access away.

H1235

I know you don’t have the legal right to make decisions for her, but she lives with you and you care for her. That gives you a lot of control. She is vulnerable! Use that vulnerability to your and her advantage. There are many unscrupulous people out there that will not hesitate to take advantage of that vulnerability. Don’t give them the chance. Take the credit cards. Let her think she lost them. She must have passwords written down somewhere, get nosy. Cancel the flight, let her think the airline made a mistake. Or just don’t bring her to the airport. No need to confront her and announce this, just “forget”. Change your internet password. Tell her there is a problem with internet and you’re trying to get it fixed. Whatever you need to say that will work. The difference in these excuses/stories vs reality is that she will NOT accept reality. These stories allow you to keep her safe and her to hold on to her belief that nothing is wrong with her. If you can get her to buy into it she is safe and maybe only mildly annoyed. If you feel strongly that she is not able to take this flight alone without it coming to a crisis, I would do whatever it takes to keep her from getting on the plane. My moms most difficult symptom is anosognosia. She tells me every time I see her that keeping her in AL is wrong. It’s hard.

harshedbuzz

I've read this a couple times. I didn't want to reply in a manner that might seem unkind or unsupportive, but here goes—

Your mom sounds like a typically challenging PWD. Sometimes adult children have to resort to drastic measures. There was a daughter here years ago who basically kidnapped her dad out of a financially abusive relationship by telling him she was taking him out for breakfast and driving 1800 miles.

This leaves you 2 distinct options.

You can take charge which will anger her mightily and ensure her physical and financial safety in a MCF of your choosing. She might get over it. She might not. But you will have made a loving choice on her behalf and know that she is safe in a place of your choosing and with you overseeing her care.

Or you can allow her to return home with this progressive disease and wait for the other shoe to drop. The risks you are taking include:

She might kill someone driving

She might drive until she runs out of gas in the middle of nowhere

She might burn down her house.

She might lose her home to tax liens or financial abuse from a boyfriend

She might become a ward of the state with a professional guardian who sells off everything and puts her in the first facility that will take her

I am truly sorry you are in this position an only and as a working mom with 2 young children.

HB

Merla

I guess my perspective is different in that I feel a responsibility to the welfare of my kids as my top priority and secondarily to my mom.

I've tried so many fiblets that would have otherwise resonated with her except that she is fixated on this date.

I do have the option to cancel the ticket. So she cannot check in. I also am not providing transportation to the airport which is the major stumbling block for her.

I have been trying to maintain the peace until she gets evaluated as this requires her voluntary cooperation and essential in moving forward with any plans. After there is a diagnosis then I will make different decisions but until then I am trying to maintain peace so I can have cooperation.

She is super angry with me and has been on an angry rampage and it's only getting worse which is not an environment I want to expose my kids to so im in a hard place.

housefinch

I would get her an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist as soon as possible, if one exists in your area. If she’s that angry, you might have to get her hospitalized for stabilization (at a geriatric psychiatric facility). At some point protecting your children will equal getting her treatment. My 2 cents.

Merla

she is up and down all over the place with her emotions regarding her trip. Thankfully our guest room is away from the rest of the house so she has privacy and the kids don't usually hear her angrily talking to herself. In my opinion she appeared very close to losing it completely with me but thankfully I had a bunch of family call her to distract her and this surprisingly worked very well. She was so mad at me so everything I was saying to disfuse the situation wasn't working.