I Just Don't Care About Work Anymore

CindyBum

As many of you know, we moved from the SF Bay Area about two years ago to a small, rural town far, far north. We thought then that my DW might just have exhaustion from the stress of 17-years as a caregiver for both of her parents who had dementia. I was lucky to get a good job in my field up here, but the rest as a cure for my DW didn't happen, but a diagnosis of dementia did just this past March instead. It was pretty obvious a couple months after we moved that rest was not going to be a cure for her cognitive issues.

Since then, I've thought I'd be continuing to work. It keeps me active at 58, I can't really afford to retire yet, and it has connected me a little to the community up here. The problem is, I don't like my new workplace all that much and I'm so horribly depressed that I don't give two hoots about anything at work. I struggle each day to go and to pretend to care. I'm the boss of my office, so it's a weird acting role I've been playing. I'm trying to hang in for another 1.5 years, at a minimum, but don't know if I have it in me.

How in the world can I care about anything when the love of my life is dying in front of my eyes? All I want to do is sit with her and enjoy the last few laughs and connection we can still have now and again. Every minute at my office I think this. I want those last laughs. I don't care about the money. I don't care about the career I've built all these years.

I feel so stymied about what to do, and for once in my life, cannot think my way out of it.

CampCarol

I was in a very similar position as you a little over a year ago. I was working from home and also watching my spouse decline. My interest in work and my responsibilities had waned significantly. My performance was just starting to be impacted. I had been with my company almost 35 years and always loved my job. Yes, there were stressful and hard times on occasion, but I always thought I would ‘officially’ retire from my company at some point, have a great party and sail off happily into the sunset. Instead, I quietly resigned before things got worse and I still had that choice. It will be a year in December since I left. I would love to say that it was all worth it, and that I was able to create a bunch of new laughs and memories with my DH in that timeframe. But the reality is that did not happen (and not for lack of trying)! He continues to falter, and I have since slipped into a very lonely funk that I can’t seem to escape. If I had to do it over, I probably would have tried to hire somebody to help me then so maybe I could have had more quality time with him, to devote to my job and to connect with friends when possible. I’m not trying to be a “Debbie Downer” here, but please think long and hard…you need to protect yourself, keep your friends, make new connections and try to maintain a little bit of your life. You will need that support down the road!

cdgbdr

I am 65 and DH has reached a point he can't be alone the entire time In at work. I never planned to retire, ever. While I know that I am preoccupied and not at the top of my game, not working scares me. Try to find some balance for yourself.

ronda b

Is it possible for you to work from home a couple days or part day a couple days. It might give you more time with while you are doing work.give er some kind of project to do along while your working

ronda b

ronda b

Carl46

I started taking antidepressants after my son died 30 years ago and saw a therapist for a while. It has made a big difference in my life. I'm sure I couldn't cope with my wife's dementia and other illnesses without the meds. You might want to try that route.

sandwichone123

I realized that I had a choice: either had to quit my job and become a full-time caregiver at age 60, and risk ending up in my early 60's with no job and no current experience but no longer a caregiver or keep the job and put my spouse in memory care. I chose memory care which provides better care than any one person could and allowed me to keep working and maintaining some social outlet for myself (although the income is a wash after paying for memory care).

​fesk

I think you need to do what you'll look back on with the least regret. There may be an intermediate step before stopping work completely. Also, a decision need not be permanent. You can try something and, if it is not working out the way you want, do something else. As mentioned above, getting support from a therapist and exploring if an antidepressant is needed are also good ideas.

I care for my mother and would like to keep her at home. As the disease progresses, there are many sacrifices. I worked full time from home. No longer. I had taken a leave and even cut back on hours. I had various caregivers over the years. Finding good caregivers is very difficult - especially after COVID as many left the field. It got to the point where it was interfering with my work, my mother wasn't getting the care I wanted, I was tired of paying caregivers who weren't doing their job or making things worse, and it became too stressful. I worked and cared for my mother - that was it. For me, I needed to stop work in an effort to help take care of myself. I put off that decision longer than I should have. I will need to return to work one day, but this is where I am at now.

I think every "solution" will have disadvantages. There is a lot of sacrifice in caregiving no matter how it is done - caring at home or placement. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

CindyBum

Thank you so much, y'all. I'm definitely on anti-depressants. Apparently, they're not cutting through my fog. No therapist though. I tried that for a while, but what do you say about something like this? I couldn't be bothered with it after a time. Maybe I should try again on that front.

I'm getting a little respite next week, so perhaps that is just what I need. I'm lucky on that front…a conference in Palm Springs sounds pretty darn good to me right now. A sister has agreed to stay with her while I'm gone.

I also know I need to hire some help to come in. For some reason, I'm really struggling with the idea of doing that. I now I have to, but I hate the idea of having to tell my DW that it's what's next for her. She still has enough cognition to know what it means and I don't relish the pending conversation. It's funny the things we tell ourselves. I was sure I'd make it to Stage 6 before I would have to start considering placement, but it's already on my mind and at her pace of progression, I might only be a year away.

Thank you all for the strength you show on a daily basis. It inspires me to be a little tougher. You all have more of it than me and I appreciate that you let me borrow it a bit.

xoxo

sandwichone123

You honestly don't have to tell her. You hire some help to come in and ask them to do some jobs around the house, rearrange the bookcase, mop the floors. They're there to help you, not her, and she will soon get used to their presence and not question it.

Cardenas1816

I understand what you’re going through at work. My DH has EO Alzheimer’s and I was also struggling with caring about my work. I was always a top performer, but I made the mistake of sharing my husband’s diagnosis with coworkers. That led to one of the leaders feeling like she would be doing me a favor by putting me on the layoff list.

I do feel like I should be with him so I believe the layoff was a blessing in disguise. However, I am very nervous about returning this early. We’ve saved a good amount but I am still concerned about maintaining health insurance so I’ve resolved to take one year “off” to spend enjoying my relationship. There’s no rule that says you can’t go back to work if retirement isn’t right for you.

ghphotog

I know, I realized that my DW was more important than work. I used to take her to work with me and she would doze off in my office but when she started getting agitated could no longer do that. The media station I worked for over 30 years let me go this week. They tried working with me for a long time but finally they parted ways with me. Sianara is all I can say.