Caring for an abusive parent

JM2024

I am my mom's only child, adopted. Although she has several stepchildren. My mom has had many loving friends and family in her life willing to provide support, but as she aged, her abuse spread from the inner family to external family, friends, and neighbors. She is narcissistic, gaslighting, oppositionally defiant, among other toxic qualities. My father/her husband, died 3 years ago. During his decline she lied to doctors to get him sedatives so that she could obtain alcohol unchecked. She is now physically disabled due to her own destructive behaviors, self neglect, poor judgement, and substance abuse. Now, as her only child, I am the last person in her circle. She now has alzheimers and I provide everything for her - food, clothing, manage her finances and medical care, and to be honest, I hate every moment of it. Her abuse continues, and it doesn't seem to be caused by her alzheimers. She is the same emotionally abusive, toxic person I have known for years, but now her diagnosis makes it impossible to discuss her behaviors with her, and impossible to discuss my experience and feelings. Whereas before, she lacked the emotional maturity and intelligence to reflect on her behavior, she now also additionally lacks the cognitive ability to even remember it. She has taken on an attitude of even greater entitlement, using her disability to draw sympathy and as an excuse for her abusive behavior. Now that I am her only means of survival, I am a position that I hate. I resent every moment of providing for this ungrateful abusive woman, but I do my best to be kind, or at least neutral. Because she alzheimers, people say, in so many words, that her behavior should be excused because she is "sick." My family has been excusing her behavior my whole life because of her "sickness" (addiction) and I am tired of giving her a pass. I am ready to move on with my life. This caregiving gives me no satisfaction, no joy. Everything I do for her is taken for granted and not good enough. Her last words to me a few days ago when I last saw her were "You have no mother. Your mother didn't love you." What does a person in my position do? How do I protect myself from an abusive parent who desperately needs my support?

M1

welcome to the forum. If you can afford it, hire a care manager to oversee her care and handle her needs. You can still meet your responsibility without subjecting yourself to the toxic behavior.

terei

I have not been posting lately, but signed in to respond to you. Yes, your mother needs support. It is not required from YOU. Firstly, I would see an attorney + explain that you would like to end your support of her + see what your options are. Alternatively, you can call your local senior services dept(possible city or county) + explain that she needs guardianship + you are not capable of taking care of her.

Your own mental + physical health are at stake here. You are now sacrificing your own life for someone who has demonstrated she your entire life that she has no regard for you (or probably any one else).

If you are able to see a therapist to help you though this, I encourage you to do so. Please try to work past the fact that she is really not your ‘mother’ in any true sense of the word + understand that even though you feel an obligation to her, it really is misplaced.

I can tell you only what I would do in your place and that is to stop your support in every way + hand it over to either another family member(I’m sure there will be no takers) or a government entity that can see to her welfare. Please take steps to save your own future. I’m sure you can do it.

JM2024

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225605#Comment_225605

Than you for your comments. When you say that I should contact an attorney, why is that? I have power of attorney, but I am not her guardian, I do not have conservatorship. As far as I am aware, I have no legal obligation to be a caregiver.

terei

Because as a l child of hers, you actually MAY have a legal obligation to see to her welfare. I believe it varies from state to state. If you are correct + you have no legal obligation to her, then I would contact senior welfare authorities in your area + step away.

mabelgirl

please look up familial law in your state if you don’t seek an attorney . There are states where children are held responsible for a parent. If no laws I agree with others you need to protect your self. You don’t want to get to a point where your resentment triggers an unfortunate event. I am sorry you are enduring this and hope take steps as soon as possible to get the state to take guardianship of her.

Prayers for peace.

harshedbuzz

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225609#Comment_225609

I would see an attorney to vet the POA document to explain your options in terms of next steps. You may be obligated if you live in state with filial responsibility laws.

https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/filial-responsibility-laws-by-state

In your shoes, I would consider selling off her assets to fund a MCF that will allow her to convert to a Medicaid bed should she outlive her money.

My dad was the male version of your mom. Taking care of a parent who failed at parenting you is a special kind of suckitude. My mom was still married to him, so I did help her with the logistics of his care out of affection for her. Had she died before him, I had a robust Plan B for placement in a SNF immediately with transfer to a MCF as soon as I could secure a room.

HB

cdgbdr

I feel for you. Excellent advice and information. I learned something new.

NizhoniGrrl

I agree with all of the advice above. Get legal advice but in the meantime limit your contact as much as possible. Is she living independently? Does she have assets? If you have POA, make the decisions needed to get her placed while you find out options for extracting yourself completely. Narcissistic parents can be extremely damaging. Please also find support from a therapist as you navigate this. You might find the book, “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People” by Ramani Durvasula to be helpful. https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/its-not-you-ramani-durvasula-phd/1143803366

terriloulou

Although you are 100 percent entitled to remove yourself from this person's life.. no one has mentioned the guilt you may feel if you do that. No matter how badly they treated you throughout your life (I suffered emotional abuse/narcissim/control from my own parent ) I still feel horrible guilt every time I even think about putting her into a memory care unit. Parents inflict a special kind of guilt on their children and they can push every button THEY ever installed in you. I'm not sure if it's healthier to just walk away, or if it's better to see their care through to the end. You are not alone and I hope you work out the best thing for YOU.

harshedbuzz

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225732#Comment_225732

Wow.

No one can impose guilt on you without your expressed permission.

There is no place for guilt in dementia caregiving choices. None. There's sadness, frustration, anger, regret, ambiguous loss and the loss of a chance to repair a damaged relationship. Guilt has no rightful home here.

If you haven't worked with a professional to rewire your emotional well-being to its factory settings, I suggest you consider it. I did a lot of work around the dysfunctional parenting inflicted on me by mental illness/piss-poor role models and learned new ways of parsing my experience. I don't think I could have kept my sanity had I not done this for myself.

And for the record, a well-managed MCF can be a terrific option. My childless aunt went to a very nice MCF in the middle stages of dementia and positively blossomed under their skilled dementia-informed care. Home is not always best and the impact on caregivers is a legitimate factor in decision-making.

HB

H1235

With DPOA you have a right to bring her to a facility. Supporting her in her home is going to be so much more work. Make things easier for yourself. Getting her qualified for Medicaid finding a facility can all be done without consulting her. Take her for a drive and bring her to the facility ( no need to tell her in advance). Leave right away. I’m sure this will not go well, but it will make your life so much easier when it’s done. Then decide how involved you want to be, or if you even want to visit. If bringing in supplies and managing her money is too much then you could look into a court appointed guardian and step away from her altogether at that point. How difficult! I hope you can find a solution that will bring you some peace.

terriloulou

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225792#Comment_225792

Thanks so much for that insight!

overwhelmed1965

I literally just signed up for this group and your post is so similar to my situation, I felt like I should tell you what helped me take the first step. I had been taking care of my mother in my home for almost 10 years. The last 5 turned into my personal version of hell. I didn't know how to get her in a facility and she didn't have the money to pay for an out of pocket place. I have no idea what anyone is talking about as legal requirements because you are her kid but that's not a thing where I live and I'd be screaming my head off if it was. Anyway, bottom line... I was told by a county social worker when my mom had gone via ambulance to the hospital because she started having hallucinations, that the easiest way to get her into a care facility permanently that she could stay at where medicaid (or other similar programs in your area) take over paying once your parent's finances have paid what they can and all assets are at zero, takes over paying is to do it when a situation that requires going to the hospital (in our case via ambulance call) and let the hospital social worker know you can no longer care for her and there is no one else. Tell the social worker the parent financial situation and insurance and let them go from there. If there are family members who don't like it, tell them they are welcome to take over. The guilt, resentment, etc. are things that I still struggle with immensely and frankly it pisses me off but even that doesn't make it go away (hence my joining this group), but I personally want to tell you that you are not alone and even though it may feel all kinds of wrong, I am finding out that what you don't find out easily is that it's okay to step out. Also, the place my mother now resides suggested seeing if mom would qualify for hospice--all i had to do was say yes and the care facility took it from there--which apparently can happen even if they don't have a terminal illness. My mom lost several lbs after being admitted and apparently that was enough. Hospice includes various benefits like visitors, getting her nails done, music therapy, etc. Anyway, not sure if you can message people directly here but feel free. Hope this helps.

tjeckley

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225732#Comment_225732

There is a reason why many suggest seeking a therapist for the caregiver. Processing the unnecessary feeling of guilt here would be one of them.

scapegoat

> @NizhoniGrrl said:
> I agree with all of the advice above. Get legal advice but in the meantime limit your contact as much as possible. Is she living independently? Does she have assets? If you have POA, make the decisions needed to get her placed while you find out options for extracting yourself completely. Narcissistic parents can be extremely damaging. Please also find support from a therapist as you navigate this. You might find the book, “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People” by Ramani Durvasula to be helpful. https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/its-not-you-ramani-durvasula-phd/1143803366

Thanks. I need that book!