hair trigger verbal aggression

TT

I only see my parents a few times a year due to living 12 hrs apart. We are always excited to see my dad but not my mother as much. During the visit we try to do as much as we can for her to make the visit "smooth" however the moment she starts to get overwhelmed she snaps at her grandchildren. The grandchildren are getting to the point where they don't want to see her anymore because it is so unpleasurable. My mother and her "mood" affects the entire dinamics of the visit. I am looking for advise on how to cope with her mood swings and proect my family at the same time with out any more yelling.

terei

It sounds like you are doing your best. I assume your mother has dementia. Are you staying in your parents’ home when you visit? That can make many people irritable let alone someone whose social filters are lessening. If so, staying elsewhere + having short visits face to face may help. Otherwise, it may be time for grandchildren to have short Zoom call visits to grandma instead of in person.

sandwichone123

For me, the top priority is to protect the children. The more they visit her now, the more their only/primary memories of her will be in this condition. I would keep them away from her. If they truly want to visit (not they feel an obligation), perhaps one at a time for less than an hour.

Merla

If you aren't staying in a hotel, then I would stay in a hotel so you can limit and control the dynamics of the visit. I know this is expensive but Otherwise it's near impossible to prevent your mom from overreacting to kids being kids.

harshedbuzz

Many PWD don't do well with overnight visitors. They do best with their normal routines and will become agitated when things are different.

Most PWD do best with a short one or 2 person visit. Many PWD resent when "their" person (aka caregiver dad) focuses his attention on someone who isn't them. And a significant proportion of PWD do not like the noise and energy level of children especially if they're taking the focus or attention away from the PWD or when the PWD doesn't fully know who they are.

My own dad was so obnoxious when we visited, that I stopped bringing my husband and son along for years. TBH, I typically visited them in their summer home (4 1/2 hr drive) every 4-6 weeks for 2 nights at a time and once over the winter (3 hr flight) for 3-4 days.

After I moved my parents back to my area when dad was in the middle stages, we did sometimes do holidays at my parents' house for my mom's sake. The poor woman was so isolated and had given up so much to be his caregiver. Five adults plus them. He'd be pretty insulting and eventually sulk in his room. Had it just been dad, we'd have visited him 1-2 at a time instead.

HB

H1235

Welcome! I agree with the other comments. I would also add some concern for your dad. How is he doing. Is the anger only during these visits or is he dealing with it all the time. Your dad is in a very difficult situation. Keep an eye on his well being also. It’s too bad, I hope you can find a solution that works.