I think my dad is making bad decisions

Rlane

my mother is now in assisted living, she has dementia. This is her second month.I asked my dad to stay away for a few days to let her adjust. She was verbally and physically abusive before being put in medication. She has a phone and calls him 10-12 times a day. He signs her out to go shopping and also takes her home for a few hours. His plan is to get palliative care and bring her home for good..

Today he signed her out, and told the facility that she’s not feeling well and he will bring her back in the morning. My mother has no short term memory, my dad is 82 and cannot tell her “no”. I’m worry that he is confusing her and if the palliative care doesn’t work, he’ll have to take her back. He seems to think that she’s going to get better. He cannot care for her, she would not take medication before we put her in assisted living. She will take it for the staff. She doesn’t eat, does not remember to bathe. I don’t know what to do. I’m worried about my dad. I can’t make him understand that she won’t get better…. Any advice for a daughter who’s worried about both my parents??? I live an hour away and work, I can’t be there all the time.

Quilting brings calm

why don’t you suggest that he move in with her at assisted living?

M1

Agree. It sounds like he may be having cognitive issues of his own. Do you hold power of attorney for both of them? Sounds like you may need it. If you held it for your mom then he couldn't move her without your sayso.

H1235

Who has the DPOA? If it’s your dad then maybe you need consider filing for guardianship. Maybe even emergency guardianship. I can’t imagine how difficult this would be. It sounds like your dad is not thinking clearly. Could it be he is showing signs of dementia as well? Even if it’s just age and his inability to understand and accept the situation, it doesn’t sound like he is capable of taking care of her. Caring for a person with dementia is difficult for anyone, but at age 82. I agree you should be worried about your dad as well. If you have the DPOA will the the AL facility work with you to not let your dad take her out? Then it’s just a matter of getting her back. Does he plan to move all her things from AL back to their house then? How? Is he capable of finding palliative care and setting it up? At 82 is he safe to drive??? Maybe it would be better if she didn’t have a phone (I know that’s the least of your worries now). You are in a very rough spot. I’m sure others will chime in with advice. I hope you can find something that will resolve this soon.

Rlane

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225634#Comment_225634

he wouldn’t do that. He would never sell his home.

Rlane

he’s been reaching out to a palliative care team for a month now. He seems to think that if they come 3-4 days a week, he can handle the rest. I only have a POA for my dad. Mom is unable to make any decisions. This was going on a lot longer than I knew. Dad hid it, or didn’t want to see it. He does drive fine but I don’t think he can physically care for her by himself. I’m just feeling overwhelmed. He tells me one thing and then does the opposite. I don’t think he’s doing her any good by bringing her home for visits.. it’s confusing. His heart is in the right place, he’s not thinking clearly. They been together for 60 years. It’s been difficult.

NizhoniGrrl

This is tough. Maybe moving her to MC will give you more control so he can’t check her out like this. It must feel so frustrating. I would definitely take away her phone, but it sounds like he is the one who needs more support right now. Can he stay with you a few nights a week? It seems he is unable to function alone.

H1235

Would he listen to a doctor if they explained why it’s not good for her to be brought home? My mom has always taken suggestions from a doctor more seriously than she would from me.

Rlane

here is a follow up. My dad moved my moM out of AL today. Has palliative care coming on Tuesday to assess the situation. I am beside myself, my dad is 82 and did not even ask my opinion, although I made it clear. He has caregivers guilt, I do not believe that he can do this alone. He says “ she’s doing fine, is taking her meds”. He’s lied to me for years while this was going on. I don’t know what to do. I live an hour away, I have to work. I worry constantly. I have stayed away to let him care for her this first week. I am so upset that he took her out of AL, she was adjusting and doing well there.

Rlane

He will not leave her. He has taken her home now. I’m so frustrated.

H1235

Is there any way you can contact the palliative care that is coming to assess the situation. I’m thinking to give them a heads up. Although im not sure what good that is going to do. Maybe see a lawyer about you taking on an emergency guardianship for your mom. Good luck

Quilting brings calm

Sometimes you have to wait for the crisis to happen. This might be one of those times. If he’s the POA, there’s not much you can do until she ends up on the radar somewhere - like in a hospital etc. you could contact her PCP and tell them that he brought her home.

Why was she originally placed in an AL? Was it after a hospital stay or did he just not feel up to taking care of her? You will see that some people in the forums here struggle with the same thing- and end up taking their partner home. Often find out that it doesn’t work .