Difficult sibling

H1235

Mom moved into a mid range $ AL about 6 months ago. I’m her DPOA. For the year prior she lived with my brother. He works and she was alone a lot. The doctor said she should not be left alone anymore. When finding a facility my brother did nothing. Didn’t even visit the place before she moved in. Well I made a big mistake or misunderstood. I was under the impression that when she qualifies for Medicaid they would accept it and SS and pension as full payment. This is not the case. Family will be expected to pay the balance. We can’t. So it looks like in about a year we will need to move her to a different facility(not nearly as nice). Moms memory is pretty good. She doesn’t understand why she needs to be in AL. Doctors don’t know what they are talking about. She struggles with logical thinking, planning, focus and anosognosia is a very big issue. She is worried about her money and wants to make all the decisions for herself. I don’t consult with her about anything. My brother tells me today that he is going to tell mom about the move in one year. Not a few months before the move, now! He says mom is a human being and deserves to be treated with respect. Says she deserves honesty, we owe her that. Says we need to tell her a mistake was made(translation it’s all my fault). He is upset says he should have just kept her at his house (he was at the appointment when the doctor said she should not be left alone). I can’t keep him from seeing mom. He is the golden child and mom would be devastated. But I have no control over what he tells her. I think I have convinced him we need to talk with her counselor first. He says he will give her a call. Apparently I don’t need to be involved. I think she will probably just side with whatever family member she is talking to. It’s been my experience they don’t want to take sides in a family squabble. I am so upset and frustrated.

M1

Ugh, so sorry, you have done such a good job getting her safe and settled.

Perhaps she won't remember what he says? One can only hope.

A lot can happen in a year. But you are absolutely right that you need to go ahead and plan.

Merla

this sounds hard. I don't get at all why your brother would tell your mom what will happen a year from now! So much can happen in one year in terms of her mental state anyhow.

I also would try to forgive yourself for any mistake you may have made. Having the sole responsibility for deciding ltc is overwhelming especially if it's your first time doing this.

I would just try to delay your brother from relaying this news. It's truly not urgent for her to know and most would argue it's not helpful for her to worry about this.