Glued to the tube

brooklynborn123

My wife of 39 years spends virtually all day every day watching TV. Mostly the news on a loop—and yet she asks me questions that make it clear that none of it’s sticking—ie. “who is running for president?”). It’s another beautiful fall day, but she has closed the blinds, is complaining of being cold (it’s not), and does not want to go out, even for a drive. Yet I wouldn’t say she is depressed. It’s me who is depressed…..I feel badly because I know she wants my company, but I can’t bear sitting and watching television for more than a short time.
Fortunately I can still leave her by herself for an hour or two to take a walk or run errands (although I still feel like a bird in a cage. I know others have it much worse. But I feel like the world just keeps getting smaller and smaller, with no end in sight. And I feel so sad for her because although she attributes it to “age” I know she is aware of her dependence on me and I also know that it has to be scary.
Not sure what I am asking for, just needed to vent. Not what I expected our “golden years” would be!

Buggytoo

I can empathize! Our TV used to sit quiet most days and now it is on for hours every single day. It doesn't appear much content is absorbed. Instead, I think it is comforting to him to have the rhythm of the background noise and visual stimulation. If this tortuous journey is ever over, I will never watch a British murder mystery or a baseball game again!

Stan2

Our situations are similar, although my DW does realize what is happening to her and is terrified. It is good that we have a place like this to come and vent.

Aarron

I’m in the same place you are. Married 45 years and only 65 years old. No retirement and he’s late stage 6. It seems it can’t get any worse. I’m extremely depressed. Trying to hang in there.

northernlady

My HWD is 80. We are officially one year into our journey, although the more I learn, the more I realize he was traveling it for about a year before.
Our care companion comes for 4 hours, 3 days a week. She is young, college student and has her chromebook with her. She learned to put on a British murder mystery on the TV, on mute, with closed captioning, and the Alexa speaker playing 70s on 7, at the same time. I was working in another room and couldn't figure out what was going on as the music was pretty loud.
That night after she left, he was sundowning —- I started: "Alexa, play 70s on 7", then I turned the TV to the baseball playoff game, closed captioned, on mute. Calmness descended. 😂 This journey is not fun, but can be funny.

I'm sorry you are feeling detached from your wife. I have recently discussed with others that I need to detach more from my sweet sweet husband. They aren't who we fell in love with. But for now, I still love him and want to take care of him. Hang in there.

SDianeL

we understand what you are going through. The book “The 36 Hour Day” helped me after my husbands diagnosis. I would try to get her to watch something else like old musicals rather than News which causes anxiety. I like the recommendation in the other post about muting the sound and playing music. Music is calming to someone with Dementia. I would not leave your wife alone at any time. If she fell or if a fire started she wouldn’t know to leave or call for help. A nurse asked my husband the question about a fire & he said he would try to put it out. Not call 911 or get out himself. I never left him alone again. Also she may leave and wander off due to separation anxiety from you. I would start looking into memory care and get on waiting lists if necessary.

Carl46

My wife can't stand the news. She sees the violence and fears Israel, Russia, Trump, or the local criminals will come to kill us.

Like you, my wife is aware that she is dependent on me. She alternates being very grateful and being angry that I tell her what to do, when to do it, etc. It's a sad way to live for all involved.

harshedbuzz

@brooklynborn123

Be careful of TV. With progression, she may struggle to differentiate it dire news in other places from what's outside her front door. I found even mom's crime dramas and procedurals became a problem.

My parents have a cable set box and I was able to use the parental controls (ironic, no?) to limit dad's access to things that disturbed him (or mom who was subjected to it blaring in the background). I got rid of 24-hour news, weather, and anything rated TV 14 or TV MA.

Since she seems triggered by news of the election which serves as a reminder of her memory issues, I'd get rid of it and replace it with more benign viewing. Old sitcoms, game shows, documentaries, nature programming, sports are often accepted well as replacements.

Apathy is pretty common among PWD, you might consider setting her up with other simple activities like adult coloring books, simpler puzzles, folding tea towels, sorting buttons. A day program a couple days a week could give you a break mentally while engaging her safely. Otherwise, it might be time to consider bringing in a caregiver/companion. The time when you can safely leave her alone may be coming to an end sooner than you hope; it could be here already and you've just been lucky.

If you are leaving her home alone, you need to wear a Medic Alert bracelet identifying you as a dementia-caregiver so that she could be looked after if you have an accident on the way to the store or a medical event out walking.

HB

Grandot

My DH “closes up the house” EARLY every evening. He pulls all the shades down, closes the shutters, locks the doors and turns off most of the lights. It makes me feel closed in. Is anyone else xperiencing this?

Carl46

I think that's called "sundowning." Everything gets worse when the sun goes down. My wife is ready for bed when it gets dark!

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70960/glued-to-the-tube

You described my life. My DH is the exact same way.