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Final chapter

CatladyNW
CatladyNW Member Posts: 40
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner


My DH passed last night. I had seen him in the afternoon, and hope he heard me tell him how much I loved him. I am glad his suffering is done. It all happened so quickly after his last ER stay a couple weeks ago, that it’s hard for me to process. But he never rebounded from that awful experience and simply stopped eating and communicating. 

It has been a very long road, at least eight years since he was first diagnosed and more than two years in AL/MC. Although he was not at home, for me these last years were filled with so much anxiety and motion. There were visits my with him (3 hour trip each way) arranging doctors and therapists appointments, medication issues, ER visits when he fell, etc.  I lived in a state of constant alert, trying to be his advocate and make sure he received good care and dealing with the many crises. And so much emotion! Feeling angry at the disease, the medical system, the facilities and resentful that my own needs were never met. And, of course, guilt that he wasnt at home, that I didn’t do enough

Now, suddenly, there is nothing for me to do but grieve. Suddenly, quiet and endless time. I am worn out. And I have no idea how to go about constructing a life for myself. The funny thing is that now that the battle with the disease has ended, there is a part of my brain that says, OK, that’s done, now he will walk through the door exactly as he was 10 years ago and we will pick up our normal life. My thoughts are are no longer of the distorted version of DH, a man struggling with confusion and disability but of the sweet and caring man who was my husband for the better part of the 45 years we were together. I guess there was a tiny sliver of irrational hope that I might see that man again but I know now he is gone forever. I’m not sure how to get through this and move on in life. 

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Comments

  • clarinetist
    clarinetist Member Posts: 158
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    So sorry to hear of your husband’s passing. You and he both fought the good fight. My condolences.

  • ImMaggieMae
    ImMaggieMae Member Posts: 1,031
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    I am so so sorry and wish you peace. You will see the man he was, all normal and healed, in your memories and his spirit will always be with you. My deepest condolences.

  • cdgbdr
    cdgbdr Member Posts: 55
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    I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please know that you were a loving and committed spouse and caregiver. Give yourself time and grace.

  • Marla13
    Marla13 Member Posts: 8
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    I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace.

  • midge333
    midge333 Member Posts: 318
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    I am sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.

  • M1
    M1 Member Posts: 6,788
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    I am sorry for you but glad for him. I hope your good memories will sustain you. Not far behind you in our journey…

  • ​fesk
    ​fesk Member Posts: 479
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    I am very sorry for your loss.

  • Mint
    Mint Member Posts: 2,749
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    Sorry for your loss of your dear husband.

  • CindyBum
    CindyBum Member Posts: 271
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    Wow. Nearly 45 years. May those memories be a blessing. Big hug

  • GiGi1963
    GiGi1963 Member Posts: 109
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    Sorry for your loss. May happy memories bring you peace.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 973
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    so so sorry for your loss. Give yourself time. Someone told me that grief is the price we pay for love. Cherish the wonderful memories you made. Praying for your comfort & strength in the coming days.

  • annie51
    annie51 Member Posts: 154
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    So sorry for your loss. May you find peace as time heals your heart and you find joy in life again. You will get through this. You are stronger after everything you’ve been through.

  • housefinch
    housefinch Member Posts: 399
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    I’m so sorry for your loss.

  • Carl46
    Carl46 Member Posts: 169
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    So sorry for your loss.

  • Jgirl57
    Jgirl57 Member Posts: 487
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    So much sorrow with this terrible disease. He is now at peace . Hugs to you and your family

  • Elshack
    Elshack Member Posts: 243
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    Deepest sympathy on the loss of your DH. I too have been in stage 8 for a year this coming late Nov. Our journey was 7 and 1/2 yrs. It will take a while for you to adjust to not having to worry about him constantly. Be sure you get alot of rest and know that you were an excellent care taker for him. Please don't think that you didn't do enough for him. AL/ MC for the past 2 yrs sounds like just the right place for him as his needs increased. I admire you so. My DH was right next door to our independent apartment when he was in MC. I visited every day and was totally worn out and a nervous wreck waiting for the next call that he had fallen, had to be taken to the ER etc. Cherish your memories when he was whole and also the memory of your last goodbye.

  • fmb
    fmb Member Posts: 402
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    I am so sorry for your loss. Know that as you begin to move forward in your new life that he is still with you in spirit and in your memories. May you come to find strength and peace.

  • LJCHR
    LJCHR Member Posts: 197
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    So sorry for your loss. Praying for your strength and peace.

  • White Crane
    White Crane Member Posts: 882
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    my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband. Try to take good care of yourself and know that you were a wonderful caregiver and wife. I wish you peace.

  • Rocky2
    Rocky2 Member Posts: 135
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    My sympathies on the passing of your DH. I lost my DW earlier this year and feel your grief and pain. I hope you will often choose to pause and remember the sweet and caring man who was your DH for 45 years. Separation hurts so much when we love so much. Please allow your self to grieve, rest, and heal.

  • Kat63
    Kat63 Member Posts: 70
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    So sorry to read of your loss of your DH. Sending prayers and sympathy to you.

  • Buggytoo
    Buggytoo Member Posts: 93
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    Sending heartfelt sympathy and prayers for comfort.

  • Crkddy
    Crkddy Member Posts: 87
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    I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear husband. Peace be with you.

  • JoseyWales
    JoseyWales Member Posts: 618
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    I'm so sorry for your loss.

  • tboard
    tboard Member Posts: 19
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70971/final-chapter

    I am so sorry for your loss.

  • CampCarol
    CampCarol Member Posts: 81
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    My sincere sympathies to you on the loss of your DH. Please give yourself some grace as you adjust to stage 8. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  • Karen711
    Karen711 Member Posts: 80
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    I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband! I hope you have some friends or family nearby to support you. If not maybe a grief group. Sending a hug!

    Karen

  • Dio
    Dio Member Posts: 713
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    Condolences on the loss of your DH…please take this as a gift that he's freed from suffering, and you can start a new chapter by taking care of yourself and feeling alive, to live again!

  • GothicGremlin
    GothicGremlin Member Posts: 857
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    I'm so sorry for the loss of your DH.

    I'm also in stage 8 - give yourself time. As my therapist told me, sit with your grief. Take stock of what's happened over the last 8 years. It really is exhausting, physically and emotionally. You'll know when you're ready to move on.

  • Joe C.
    Joe C. Member Posts: 964
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    my sincere condolences on the loss of your husband. May you find some peace in the days ahead.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more

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