Who else just misses their (still-living) parent?

fruittrees

I miss my dad. I miss being able to call him just to talk about whatever is on the top of my mind at that moment, or ask his opinion about something — anything. But especially being able to ask for his advice about life or what to do while trying to navigate this world. I miss his wisdom from a long life of experience, having been born in 1943.

I'm in my 30s but some days I feel like a lost, anxious 19 year old again. I wonder if these days will ever completely disappear with age. But on these days, sometimes I just want to be able to call my dad for his advice — you know, as the kid.

But no. He's not there anymore. Not that version of him anyway. He's not a parent. He's the lost, anxious kid — not me — one much younger in age than I sometimes feel and one that is perpetually frustrated and confused with … everything. "How do I change the channel on the TV?", "I need to go to the bathroom. How do I stand up?,"My friend sent me an email with a link for a book I want to buy. I see a bunch of text underlined in the email, but how do I see the book?"

I guess I'm just feeling a little down and alone today! But can anyone else relate? Does anyone just miss their mom or dad — who they see or talk to everyday?

I'm brand new to this forum, but not new to dementia or at-home caregiving.

Klako

I can relate….watching the man who I learned how to fix anything from ask me why he can’t remember breaks my heart. This is the man who told me in rec softball when I was feeling anxious to take a deep breath…I feel your pain. Not sure how to navigate it yet but you are in the right place. This forum has been my lifeline…

M1

Welcome to the forum. I still miss my dad...who died in 1993. If you had a good parent, parts of them stay with you.

fmb

I miss my mother very much. Up until last December, we talked on the phone nightly. When my DH had a stroke in June 2023, she was the person I called from the ambulance, crying hysterically. Although she lives 1000 miles away, she was my rock throughout DH's hospitalizations and subsequent ALZ and CHF diagnoses. She cared for my father with ALZ at home for over 7 years before placing him in MC and caring for him another two years until his death in 2019. Now she is in MC in late Stage 6 ALZ and is in hospice care. I haven't seen her since 2003. It is too late to see her in this life; she would have no idea who I am. I will see her again in heaven.

harshedbuzz

@fruittrees

A dear friend and I had parents with dementia at the same time. She'd been an only child and very close to her mom. After her mom was widowed, she moved nearby and became a daily presence is their family's life. Her mom was an amazing person. Friend built a home with in-law suite in order to care for mom through her dementia journey.

One day when we were sharing a lunch together to swap dementia stories, she said "The lady who lives with me is a nice little old lady, but she's not my mom". I see her point.

HB

SusanB-dil

You are definitely not alone on this. I miss my mom-in-law. 'this' definitely is not 'her'.

@harshedbuzz - that's a very good way of putting it!

I HATE 'this'.

Mirella

> @fruittrees said:
> I miss my dad. I miss being able to call him just to talk about whatever is on the top of my mind at that moment, or ask his opinion about something — anything. But especially being able to ask for his advice about life or what to do while trying to navigate this world. I miss his wisdom from a long life of experience, having been born in 1943.
> I'm in my 30s but some days I feel like a lost, anxious 19 year old again. I wonder if these days will ever completely disappear with age. But on these days, sometimes I just want to be able to call my dad for his advice — you know, as the kid.
> But no. He's not there anymore. Not that version of him anyway. He's not a parent. He's the lost, anxious kid — not me — one much younger in age than I sometimes feel and one that is perpetually frustrated and confused with … everything. "How do I change the channel on the TV?", "I need to go to the bathroom. How do I stand up?,"My friend sent me an email with a link for a book I want to buy. I see a bunch of text underlined in the email, but how do I see the book?"
> I guess I'm just feeling a little down and alone today! But can anyone else relate? Does anyone just miss their mom or dad — who they see or talk to everyday?
> I'm brand new to this forum, but not new to dementia or at-home caregiving.

I totally understand. My mother has been diagnosed with cognitive impairment. This disease seems to be progressing quite quickly for her. Visits, time together are so different now. Playing cards, painting, going for walks. No more conversations unless they are about her paintings, lipstick or her jewlery. Constantly trying to distract her otherwise she "wants to go home" but she is home. My mother is here and very grateful but i feel like I lost her almost a year ago now Not the same. So yes, I understand

psg712

Yes. I miss my mom. No one else knows all your history but your parents. Still find myself wanting to call her and share some news ... she would react now with apathy and forget what I said almost immediately. Sad.

Peonie60

Yes to all this. I miss my smart, funny mom too. I get so frustrated that this lost, confused woman is the person people see now. A woman in my support group summed it up: I’ve only known this lady for a couple of years and I love her a lot. But I miss my real mom.
Hugs to us all.

ESkayP

I tried to make a friend understand that I wasn't simply losing my mother, I was losing pieces of me. It hurts in a way that makes a person question not only the identity of their parent but also their own self. I'm still a daughter, but this is all happening when I'm empty-nesting, too. If I wasn't involved in getting my master's degree right now, I honestly don't know how I'd recognize myself.

H1235

My dad has passed an I miss him. I have great memories of him. My mom is here with dementia. She is in AL an still able to talk, knows who I am and continues to enjoy sewing. But she is different. She is mad, demanding, argumentative, depressed and bitter. Everyone says it’s just the dementia, but I don’t know. It’s like the worst in her is being brought to the surface. My memory is being clouded and distorted by the bitter angry person she has become. I want to remember my mom as she was not like this. I hate dementia!

anneinsc

I am new here and came here to say this very thing.

My dad moved in with us in August. I had no idea how bad things were until he got here. His girlfriend was placed in AL and her power of attorney had to sell the house to cover costs. All my dad ever talked about was HER dementia. Once he got here, I realized he also has it.

My dad was an incredibly smart man who was a National Merit Scholar Finalist as a teen. He was smart in all things so much so that we always wanted to put him on a game show. Now, he struggles to find words like table, McDonalds and medicine. He wears the same clothes for 5 days - takes a shower - and puts on the same clothes. He still drives which makes it difficult for me to keep tabs on him, but I did drop an airtag in his car. He keeps saying things to my sister about how surprised I will be when he leaves and gets his own apartment. He will be 80 in two weeks.

I spent an entire Saturday grieving. My dad is no longer here with me, and its heartbreaking. I find that I get angry sometimes and have to remove myself from situations and let my husband talk to him. I feel guilty that I get like this, but I know its natural. I just need to find something (a technique or mantra) to help me sooth my emotions so I can deal with him.

Thank you all for sharing. It makes me feel better about myself and how I'm feeling to know that others also feel this way.

RobynR

> @fruittrees said:
> I miss my dad. I miss being able to call him just to talk about whatever is on the top of my mind at that moment, or ask his opinion about something — anything. But especially being able to ask for his advice about life or what to do while trying to navigate this world. I miss his wisdom from a long life of experience, having been born in 1943.
> I'm in my 30s but some days I feel like a lost, anxious 19 year old again. I wonder if these days will ever completely disappear with age. But on these days, sometimes I just want to be able to call my dad for his advice — you know, as the kid.
> But no. He's not there anymore. Not that version of him anyway. He's not a parent. He's the lost, anxious kid — not me — one much younger in age than I sometimes feel and one that is perpetually frustrated and confused with … everything. "How do I change the channel on the TV?", "I need to go to the bathroom. How do I stand up?,"My friend sent me an email with a link for a book I want to buy. I see a bunch of text underlined in the email, but how do I see the book?"
> I guess I'm just feeling a little down and alone today! But can anyone else relate? Does anyone just miss their mom or dad — who they see or talk to everyday?
> I'm brand new to this forum, but not new to dementia or at-home caregiving.

Yes, I can really relate to this. I miss my mom- we used to talk daily about the little stuff and the big stuff; she was so insightful and supportive. I miss that the most. I'm new here, too.

jjandcoffee

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70980/who-else-just-misses-their-still-living-parent

Every day. I miss the ease of the father/daughter relationship, the jokes, laughter. It's just really hard and unfair to anyone going through the disease as a patient or a caregiver. I'm new to the forum too. None of my 40 something friends are going through this so I'm tapping into resources like this. I hope we can get a lot of support & encouragement on our journeys!

SusanB-dil

Hi anneinsc - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

A lot of folks don't realize just how much a spouse or significant other has been scaffolding someone with PWD until they aren't. It was like that with my folks. When we lost my dad, we found that there was no way my mom could be on her own. not. at. all!

Please do get your dad off the road. So sorry, but that is definitely not safe. You could disable the car and say the part is on backorder. We don't want our LO injured nor to injure someone else. With a diagnosis, should something happen, the insurance company may not pay. The person or even who holds the DPOA could be sued for a LOT.

SusanB-dil

Hi RobynR - welcome to 'here' - yes, it sure is hurtful!

KellyW7612

Oh man. I am there with you. I’m caring for my 83 y/o Mama (who has been my best friend since I was 19). I moved to the town where she and my Dad live to help care for them. He has mild dementia; she has moderate dementia.

I have ALWAYS been a Mama’s Girl. No shame!! I’ve spent the last almost 30 years living about 2 hours from them. I’m an RN and that was the closest large medical facility. I never wanted to be so far away that I couldn’t just drive up to see her.

So now I’m with her from around 11 AM each day until she gets ready for bed around 7 PM. I’m blessed to still HAVE her, but she’s just not the same. Sometimes I just want to talk to my Mama. Really TALK to her, and have her TALK to me. To be the Mama who always heard me, was always there for me, who was always there to laugh with me and to go to the movies with me. Oh man how I miss her. No, no. I’m not crying.

All that is to say that you are not alone. I see you. I hear you.

Hang in there. Hold on to the memories.

Kelly

1359Pond

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70980/who-else-just-misses-their-still-living-parent

I absolutely feel your pain. It sucks losing our “person” to this horrific disease. My mom was-even that feels like a betrayal today. But she was my best friend for my whole life. But that part of her, like your dad is gone. Feel free to reach out as you struggle with the gradual loss of your dad.

Kelly6789

I completely understand how you feel. As another person in their 30’s with a parent who has Alzheimer’s, I always find myself longing for the relationship that I had with my mother before she was diagnosed. I wish I could call her and talk about my day, and ask her for advice. She was diagnosed 6 years ago. I still love her very much, but she isn’t the same person. She is in the later stages, having been diagnosed used with early onset at the age of 58, and is now easily agitated, aggressive, and almost non verbal. She is fully incontanant, and cannot feed herself. She has been living in a nursing home for the past 2 years, as at home caregiving became a safety hazard. My thoughts are with you as you start your journey down this awful road known as Alzheimers. Just remember as isolating as it may feel at times, there are so many people who are experiencing similar situations.

valerieorr

My husband and I are traveling that same road and feel the loss of the Mom we once knew, especially my husband. Once we moved in with her to care for her, the disease manifested itself with her being very mean, especially to my husband. Now that she's in skilled nursing/nursing home after a fall a couple months ago, we see her dwindling away and she still doesn't always talk to us or smile at us like she does with her sisters and some others. We'd love to see the mom we've known and loved (she's been my MIL for 50 years), but at least we get glimpses when she's smiling and kind to others.

Brez

This. This exact thing. In 12 months, Dad went from walking and talking to being completely dependent on caregivers. Can’t walk, can’t feed himself, incontinent, barely talks, and has started aspirating. He’s a husk of who he was.

And I get so angry when people tell me how good he’s doing. He’s eating well, so he’s doing great. Stop trying to make me feel like this is ok. Breathing and blinking isn’t good. None of this is ok. He’d be mortified if he understood where he’s at. I didn’t know eating was how we define living. And don’t condescend to me like I don’t see exactly what this is.

I miss my person. He just got me. And I got him. It was easy. And now he’s here but gone. It’s like the worst kind of torture. He’s here, you can see him, but he’s not.

And I don’t know how long this will go on for. I oscillate between being terrified of him dying and terrified of him continuing to survive this. No good answer. And that sucks so much.