Help

mathreader

Maybe I'm a failure at this. I know I shouldn't argue, and I try hard not to, but what do you do when your DH gets so angry at things? (Not physically ever at all, but starts swearing and telling him I am never on his side or never agree, etc). I am on edge every minute. I'm really trying - I even got a prescription for me, although I have never taken it because I am the only one to drive here. It's so sad to have someone so angry at you for so many things. I do everything he needs and help with whatever he wants but there is no joy here anymore. How do you cope? He would not accept anyone in the house to help, he is fully aware, so MC is not an option yet. What do YOU do?

M1

I don't know that being "fully aware" has any relation to needing memory care. There are a lot of fairly functional folks at our MC who are very much aware that they are in MC. If you cannot safely manage him at home, you should think about it. It sounds like he needs medication management, and he may need hospitalization to get stabilized. Please don't hesitate to talk to his docs or to take him in, that anger can go from verbal to physical in a nanosecond, and you do not deserve to be abused regardless. Verbally or otherwise.

sandwichone123

My spouse moved to memory care when he was not safe to be home alone. Your mileage may vary, but I was not willing to fight with him about going to a day program (or staying home, for that matter!), and I was not willing to turn our home into a workplace, with labels on stuff and strangers telling me how to run my life.

APenny4You

I totally understand! My husband was so caring and always put me above everyone or everything. We never said harsh words to each other, now he gets so angry and curses and tells me I'm always yelling at him when it's the other way around. It is very hard to learn what is best for them and what can also help keep your own sanity. Just know you are not alone. 😊

Bailey's Mom

In the same situation here…DH is so verbally abusive and so angry all the time…usually at me…it has taken all of the joy out of our home. He won't allow me to hire any help with anything yet can't do any of his 'projects' without my help. I spent the last 2 days on a ladder in the hot sun replacing a front porch roof that was ripped off by hurricane Milton. (I have vertigo & an artificial heart valve so have no business on a ladder but he just can't seem to think about anything that doesn't revolve around him). He can't figure out how to do things anymore and if I make even a small 'carefully worded' suggestion he is off to the races…"don't tell me what to do, you don't know anything, if you want to be the boss I'll just quit, we always have to do what you say, you're always right…etc, etc. He has the nastiest look on his face and acts out so badly that it is embarrassing to say the least. The roof looks horrible, leaks and will have to be replaced by a roofer when I sell the property…I purchased all new, expensive materials that will just have to be thrown out, which is not the point. I just have no inspiration for living anymore and the best part of the day is when it is over. I am the only caregiver…no family, children, friends…no help at all..and at a total loss.

meidson

This is what I am afraid of. My mother is very independent and I cannot imagine her allowing people to tell her what to do in her own home. She already snaps at me when I try to help her. She will need care soon, but I think she will fight it. This disease is so hard.

tboard

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70985/help

My husband yells and screams and swears. I do my best to calm him down. I mostly agree with everything he says there isn't any point in arguing .

cavenson

How do you cope with the anger that too often comes with Alzheimer's? We've all learned there's no magic solution and that your spouse with AD is not the same person you married. There are strategies that can sometimes promote calm and peace. We know that arguing is fruitless (so frustrating for both of you). Correcting simply makes the person angry (just agree or imply that the person is right). Your LO is likely confabulating and doesn't realize they have a false memory. Try not to reason because your LO's reasoner is broken. When they get angry, they're usually acting out of frustration. Try not to test your LO with knowledge of facts or chores that could frustrate them. Sometimes it works to simply reassure your LO. Sometimes it works to distract your LO with something they like. Sometimes you just have to remove yourself from the situation; you could have a required chore to do or person to call—anything to escape from the anger. And, as others have suggested, a geriatric psychiatrist may be able to prescribe an appropriate medication.

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. You are not causing the anger, AD is. Try to find some quiet, peaceful time for yourself—take a walk, exercise, read, pursue a hobby, talk to a friend, whatever you find enjoyable.

HollyBerry

It's interesting and really helpful to see that your LO's are saying almost exactly the same thing mine is. So strange how the disease puts these words in their mouths. I hear the same things over and over from her - "you never listen to me," "it's all MY fault, it's always MY fault (dripping sarcasm)", "I can do whatever I want, it's my life," "quit telling me what to do. When did you start trying to control everything?" "I'm just going to get a place of my own, you can stay here."

What do I do about it? Silence provokes her - "you never listen to me." Distraction is hit or miss - the cat never does anything cute when I need him to. I switch imaginary laundry in the basement, take out the garbage, go for a bike ride, walk the dog, fabricate work meetings. Generally try to remove myself physically from the space. And I am not perfect, and sometimes I argue, and I always win but it's not very satisfying. But sometimes I do need to ask/demand an answer that she can't provide, and I need to see what her response is so that I remember that she really can't think straight any more.

Medication helps and staying on top of the dosages helps. It doesn't make it go away but it makes the outbursts less intense and shorter lived.

jsps139_

I agree that medication helps and makes the outbursts less intense and shorter lived. Definitely talk to the doctor about meds. Being specific about my DH’s behaviors gave his doctor a detailed picture of what our lives were like. The meds he prescribed help, and he had a couple dosage adjustments this year.
But, I remember the days we went through what you are describing. When my eyes opened in the morning, it was pure dread because I knew what was coming. The look of hatred on his face was the worst thing. I think the fact that we DO EVERYTHING with no gratitude (which they are incapable of) at all from them is what makes it so very hard.

I hope you get some meds that make life more tolerable with a desire to carry on. ❤️

Biggles

as HollyBerry said interesting that all our DO say and do the same things. Very similar to children at different stages of development. Our daughter has a son with high achieving Asperger’s 9 years old who often displays the same responses as my DH so we are learning from each other how to respond what to do etc. VD is a horrible hideous disease, indiscriminative and sad. Exhausting mentally and physically for all giving care. Guilt ridden with how long will this last, how long can I last, where has my lovely partner gone? Anything for peace my DH can hardly string a sentence together so in those times I try to get a gist of the conversation and discuss (on his terms) using quiet positive words that seem to agree with everything he says. At those times I feel like I am in a play with a private audience and I am careful of my facial expressions and tone of voice I do the same if I talk on the phone. It’s exhausting take care.

SDianeL

his reasoner is broken. It’s not him it’s the disease. He’s not argumentative as he can’t reason to argue. He’s agitated because his world is falling apart and you are his anchor. It’s not personal. It helped me to stop looking at my DH as my spouse and look at him as my patient and me his nurse. We were no longer a couple. Such a huge loss. I would talk to his doctor about medication for him. I would also start now looking into memory care. So sorry you are going through this.

Rnieves

> @mathreader said:
> Maybe I'm a failure at this. I know I shouldn't argue, and I try hard not to, but what do you do when your DH gets so angry at things? (Not physically ever at all, but starts swearing and telling him I am never on his side or never agree, etc). I am on edge every minute. I'm really trying - I even got a prescription for me, although I have never taken it because I am the only one to drive here. It's so sad to have someone so angry at you for so many things. I do everything he needs and help with whatever he wants but there is no joy here anymore. How do you cope? He would not accept anyone in the house to help, he is fully aware, so MC is not an option yet. What do YOU do?

> @"Bailey's Mom" said:
> In the same situation here…DH is so verbally abusive and so angry all the time…usually at me…it has taken all of the joy out of our home. He won't allow me to hire any help with anything yet can't do any of his 'projects' without my help. I spent the last 2 days on a ladder in the hot sun replacing a front porch roof that was ripped off by hurricane Milton. (I have vertigo & an artificial heart valve so have no business on a ladder but he just can't seem to think about anything that doesn't revolve around him). He can't figure out how to do things anymore and if I make even a small 'carefully worded' suggestion he is off to the races…"don't tell me what to do, you don't know anything, if you want to be the boss I'll just quit, we always have to do what you say, you're always right…etc, etc. He has the nastiest look on his face and acts out so badly that it is embarrassing to say the least. The roof looks horrible, leaks and will have to be replaced by a roofer when I sell the property…I purchased all new, expensive materials that will just have to be thrown out, which is not the point. I just have no inspiration for living anymore and the best part of the day is when it is over. I am the only caregiver…no family, children, friends…no help at all..and at a total loss.

> @mathreader said:
> Maybe I'm a failure at this. I know I shouldn't argue, and I try hard not to, but what do you do when your DH gets so angry at things? (Not physically ever at all, but starts swearing and telling him I am never on his side or never agree, etc). I am on edge every minute. I'm really trying - I even got a prescription for me, although I have never taken it because I am the only one to drive here. It's so sad to have someone so angry at you for so many things. I do everything he needs and help with whatever he wants but there is no joy here anymore. How do you cope? He would not accept anyone in the house to help, he is fully aware, so MC is not an option yet. What do YOU do?

Rnieves

I go through something similar, but with my DW. Gets up at 4am crying and at my face all the time. She wants to go back to work and wants a car. She has gotten egressive, and tries to hit me. I have tried everything to please her and see her happy, but nothing works. All day crying and out of control. She tells me that she hates me because I don’t take her back and leave her alone. She has 2 daughters and they are not helping me. I would like to place her, because she refuses any help. It has come to a point that I find no solutions. I have thought about hurting myself just to get away from it all. I worked all my life, and I am a stroke survivor that needs help myself. I am taking care of her 24/7. From dressing her to cooking, cleaning, shopping, and appointments. This is not a life.

M1

Welcome to the forum; it does sound like you need to place her. She may need hospitalization for medication management first. Take her to the emergency room, it does not sound safe for either of you to try to keep her at home.