When it rains it pours - for real

PattiRN2

I’m unloading. I need to get this out of me.

My DH is probably stage a 4 or 5. Holds great conversations and reads, but his ability to process information is mod/severe. I don’t understand how both occur at the same time. His speech therapist gives paperwork where he has to complete questions such as: name a cold dessert or what is the tool you write with and has an eraser. He missed both but overall he can answer about 50 percent of the questions. No understanding of math or numbers. Losing his ability to recognize numbers and writing/spelling. Working with the therapist revealed a substantial change has occurred and it’s terribly depressing to us. Therapist is setting him up with a psychologist.

I feel like a black cloud is over me. In the past month my adult son got arrested (a helpless and frightening experience) he was then diagnosed bipolar, I paid thousands to his lawyer, big family crisis ensued looks like it may end okay, but who knows, my dad died 8 months ago, mom going to a nursing home in Jan, in my home a pipe burst in the basement wall which somehow led to me having to buy a new water heater, rain leaked into my bedroom due to roofers issue, then I got new counters and contractors cracked the window on my oven while pushing it back against the wall, the plumbers replaced the sink faucets after counter installation but used my old pipes which led to a water bubble forming in the ceiling over the dining room table (not related to burst pipe or the roof leaking).

I get to repaint the walls and manage the roof and the oven door issues on my own. But worst of all my brother, who was my rock, is mad at me. His 20 yr old son wants to move out and come to the city where I live and pursue a 3 year welding internship. My brother supported him at first but then he didn’t want him to move away. My brother is single, divorced a few years ago, he had the same losses as me. I get his fear of being alone. His son is adventuresome, travels to Europe, Canada and across the country on his own. He’s angry at anyone who encouraged his son but his son said, “Dad I’m doing this.” Rest of family says, my brother will come around, but I am heartbroken and deeply disappointed. I’m getting the silent treatment for over three weeks now. We had been so close.

harshedbuzz

That's a lot for which to be responsible. I am sorry.

Meds can do wonders for bi-polar disease assuming a good fit and compliance. I hope things work out for your DS.

I was sort of detracted from my PWD to a large degree which allowed me to watch the unraveling of my formerly bright dad's brain as some kind of fascinating puzzle. Listening to others describe their LO's losses has led me to the conclusion that "if you've met one person with dementia, you've met one person with dementia".

In dad, his ability to decode written English remained well into stage 6 although truly reading a book wasn't possible because of his poor working and short-term memory. His arithmetic skills remained intact during a MMSE during which he was able to do serial subtraction at least as quickly as I can. He was conversational until the day he died. When he faltered on word-recall, he swapped in a higher-code antonym which could be comical at times. In med-stages, he went to a rehab after a hospitalization and during a care meeting said "I demand to know by whose authority I am incarcerated in this place". I suspect my mom is showing signs of early dementia; at this point she not only has entire conversations with me that are completely devoid of common nouns, she switches up the subject leaving me to ask "what are we talking about now?"

Is your DH being referred to a psychiatrist or psychologist? By the mid-stages of dementia, a PWD is highly unlikely to benefit from any form to talk therapy. Anosognosia prevents them from recognizing they have a problem, from learning new ways to frame things and from recognizing when to reframe a situation.

HB

M1

Agree with the above, I'm sorry you are dealing with so many stresses at once, they do reverberate and make each individual stress feel more overwhelming.

I suspect the speech therapy is a waste of time and money, as would be any psychologist for someone with moderate to advanced dementia. Perhaps dropping those would simplify at least that aspect of your life. Hope things work out for your son and your brother's family.

Quilting brings calm

Mom’s speech therapy also consisted of things that were geared to ‘stimulate her brain’. Memory games, etc. I don’t know that it helped - but she enjoyed the socialization aspect of the visit.

Is the psychologist a neuropsychologist meant to test for an actual diagnosis? A medication specialist to determine medication for anxiety and depression? One that specializes in talk therapy? The first two couple can be helpful. The last one, not. Talk therapy does no good when you can’t remember the conversation the next day.

Mom’s ability to have a conversation started failing a while ago. We’ve been on the same single topic for a couple weeks now. She says that she still reads the newspaper, magazines and books- but I’m not convinced she does it very well. Especially the last few weeks.
I’m sorry that the rest of your life is so stressful now.

AlzWife2023

I am sorry for all that you are going through. MY DH has ALz. He's probably stage 6a. We're in year three now officially (he had symptoms for about 5 years before the diagnosis).

I feel for you @PattiRN2 I went through a lot of additional stressful issues while learning my DH was losing it to dementia and it was truly impossible to cope. The way I got through it was to keep asking for help and accepting it. My son was hospitalized twice in two years for anxiety and possibly marijuana addiction/allergy. This was in the first two years of DH's Alzheimer's journey. Son was not handling his father's illness well. I had to leave three jobs in three years (one I had for 20 years) because they were too demanding and that led to a financial and existential crisis. Now, I am a full time caregiver and work a few hours per week from home. It took me two years and a focus on self-care to sort everything out and not feel like the sky was failing everyday. I can handle my life and new realities and responsibilities now. The maxim" "this too shall pass" and digging into all support systems available to me, including a newfound faith, have been instrumental to my survival. Ironically, I feel I am thriving. I have risen to so many challenges and lead with love and ask for help and receive it. It's sounds rosy but I just want you to know that it can get better if you focus on the right things and give yourself a break. Rome was not built in a day and this process is long and arduous.

Your house worries will pass. Your son can be helped. Your brother will make his own journey. Your mother needs help, too, but you must take care of yourself first. Step by step. "Do not rush" is some of the best advice I have received, both in terms of dealing with the PWD and in your own adjustment to this new reality. It took me more than a year to get Medicaid and two years to get DPOA & Health Care Proxy paperwork, took a year to find new doctors (we moved during Covid). I had to get on a low dose antidepressant, I started taking Wegovy and my health has greatly improved. I am always readjusting my priorities and refocusing on caregiving as central. It's not possible (at least not for me) to split myself into pieces. Some people cannot do the caregiving. I thought that I couldn't, but realized that I can. Some people can afford help. Figure out who you are and embrace it.

Your life is being turned upside down and the people you would normally rely on for support are not able to give it. Find people you can talk to and ask for help.

PattiRN2

Thank you so much for commenting on my post and for your thoughtful suggestions. It really helps knowing I’m not out here alone. I’m so used to solving problems it’s unreal and painful to accept things are out of my control. I’m always trying to get things back to normal and being a family again. And speaking of normal most of the house issues are resolved.
A psychologist was recommended for DH but I had not thought to ask what type of therapy would be provided to him.Thank you to those who recommended I ask and to evaluate if it’s helpful. Brother still not talking to me and adult son takes one step forward and two steps back blaming everyone else. I blocked him. Hopefully one day we unite but I don’t need toxic people I need people who are kind and I do have those people. My Dad used to say slow down and take one day at a time. He was wise -still comforts me from heaven.

AlzWife2023

one day at a time is all we can do ❤️