STAGE 8 - There is no other side of grief...

SDianeL

My soulmate husband Lonny passed August 12. I feel lost most of the time but am trying to find myself without him. Found this on a Facebook post today. So true.

I had my own notion of grief. I thought it was the sad time, that followed the death of someone you love. And you had to push through it to get to the other side. But I’m learning, there is no other side...There is no pushing through, but rather, there is absorption. Adjustment. Acceptance. And grief is not something you complete, but rather, you endure. Grief is not a task to finish, and move on, but an element of yourself – an alteration of your being. A new way of seeing. A new dimension of self...~ Gwen Flowers ~

AND….

"The pain of grief is just as much part of life as the joy of love: it is perhaps the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment." Dr Colin Murray Parkes.

Praying for those in Stage 8. 🙏

Caro_Lynne

Thanks for posting this Diane. My LO took his last breath on October 20; two weeks tomorrow. Like you, I am lost and miss him so much. 💔

midge333

Thank you for sharing.

Biggles

Thank you for sharing; this whole journey is awful, strange, debilitating, almost destroying. I am in the middle of this journey with my DH and I think there is no end just a continuation of living in a different format, trying to see the beauty in nature, of children being born and all those things but the pain and sadness is something we must bear. I couldn’t do it with out being connected to this big understanding family where I can vent, cry and laugh occasionally. It is my ‘bible’ I open my mail every day and read of others and my love pours out to them and strangely to my DH.

fmb

This was a timely post for me. I just finished a book about grief after the death of a spouse that a well-meaning friend gave to me. Although my DH is not dead yet, the time is coming soon, and like many of us, I have been grieving the incremental loss of my DH for years.

The premise of the book was that grief is something that you push through to get to the other side. The author, a psychologist who was suddenly widowed herself and since remarried, gave time periods to perform certain tasks, right down to when to remove your wedding ring. She even said to have a ceremony to mark the end of grieving, as though grief ever truly completely ends.

She stated that you should be finished grieving within a year of the death. I was truly appalled. As the quote above says, "Grief is not a task to finish, and move on, but an element of yourself – an alteration of your being. A new way of seeing. A new dimension of self..."~ Gwen Flowers ~

CatladyNW

That is lovely. My DH passed on October 20, and I have been stunned by the intensity of my feelings of sadness and loneliness. I had lost him bit by bit for two years. But the final loss is hard.

Carl46

I don't get over grief for the people I truly loved. It gets easier with time, but it never goes away. My older son died in 1994 and I still grieve him, but I find I think more of the good times and less of the horror as time goes by.

The psychologist mentioned by FMB has a point in that it is good to get on with your life. However, we do it with scars, some that show and some that don't.

Petra2024

Thanks for this thread, Diane and all. I’m about 2 1/2 months into stage 8. The pain is so intense at times. I’m keeping myself going, even doing traveling to be with friends and family, but today I was overwhelmed with memories of the last weeks in hospice— beating myself up for all the things I could have done differently and every time I could have been more patient, though I was with DH of 51 years 24/7, I replayed it all today and suddenly was sunk into a pit of sadness that was so painful. I couldn’t have saved him, and I’m not sure I could have done anything better except to tell him more of how much his love meant to me. The stress of the daily challenges made me focus more on catheters and sleepless nights than just sitting quietly with him. The fact that I can’t ever again tell him now how much I love him is piercing my heart. Not sure what my point is here except that I hope you all treat yourselves well and with kindness— it’s a war we’ve been through and I know we all have done the best we could do.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/230576#Comment_230576

Don't be too hard on yourself for things you did or did not do. You do the best you can minute by minute. We're all human and nobody is perfect. I'm sure he would say that to you if he could. We caregivers want them to stay but pray their suffering will end. My grief comes in waves then it passes for a bit. My Mom used to say that life is like the ocean and you have to ride the waves until smooth sailing comes along. That applies to grief too. She also said that when you lose someone you love, do something to honor their memory. My Mom was a widow at 42 years old. I asked her how she went on without my Dad. She said "you just keep putting one foot in front of the other" so that's what I'm trying to do. I made a list of things I could do to honor my Lonny. I'm working on the list which gives me a sense of purpose that I lost when he passed. At first I couldn't even look at our pictures. I'm gradually looking at them and remembering the wonderful love & life we shared. Hugs.

Quilting brings calm

==She stated that you should be finished grieving within a year of the death==

What the…! I was numb for the entire first year after our 31 year old son died. It’s been the last several months that I’ve really started to process and let myself feel the grief. Another mother I know said the same as me. The second year is harder than the first.
That doesn’t mean that I haven’t had good times - of laughing with friends, enjoying a trip, losing myself in a tv series or book, etc. Grief isn’t ‘over’, it’s part of who you become.

Petra2024

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/230598#Comment_230598

Thanks— that helps to hear. This site has been so important to me to survive this whole journey— I don’t know where I’d be without all of you here.