Had to separate mom and dad between Missouri and Arizona

eoverton

Has anyone here ever dealt with needing to separate spouses from each other because of the caregiver situation? My younger sister is able to start caring for my dad because my mom really cannot take care of him. They typically spent their winters in Arizona, but now mom is living back at their home in Missouri, but dad is living with my sister in Arizona. It is heartbreaking for both of them and for all of us. Dad is in middle stages of Alzheimer’s and doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him, so he’s constantly asking to go back home to Missouri. They normally have their own mobile home unit in a retirement park, but now he is living in my sister‘s house. And this of course feels new and strange to him. And for the first time, my mother is living all by herself. This breaks all of our hearts, but this is the situation we have to live with at least for a while for financial reasons.
The difficulty is that every time he’s reminded of something about his home in St. Louis, he gets agitated. He is on medication for that which have helped, but my sisters are limiting communication between my mom and my dad because my younger sister who is the caretaker says he gets irritated. But then my dad calls my mom all the time because he wants to talk to her and they miss each other. The two of them did not have a perfect marriage and had a lot of bickering and arguing between them, but they also enjoyed each other‘s company have been married almost 60 years. They are 85 and 84 years old.
I guess my question is whether it OK to limit communication between the two of them? I don’t feel right about it. I know it causes more difficulties for my sister who is caring for him, but obviously my dad wants to talk to my mom and is calling her several times a week sometimes more than once a day.

I would appreciate anyone’s input on this.

Jo C.

This is a heartache/heartbreak set of dynamics. There is no easy answer for this and it is sad for both of them. Sixty years of marriage and in their 80's. They are blessed to have such caring daughters. Is it possible for your mother to make a move to be closer? If not and probably not, can it be decided what days and what times during the week contact can be made whether on the phone or face time online via computer?

As for contact, I would be totally undone and up in arms if anyone kept my senior DH and senior self separate from reasonable contact with one another. I am also an adult daughter who had many elderly parent issues and I do understand.

Keeping them both busy in senior settings or with other items may help a bit, but they have their long relationship that was key in both their lives and that has not been satisfied. I am sorry for everyone; it is not an easy situation. One would feel good if one could have them near one another as they head toward the end of their lives and they have been together for over six decades. That is no small thing, but neither are the care issues.

If it is not possible to have them in near proximity whether living in an adult child's home and perhaps the other parent in a care facility, is there another way to help them feel more connected? Would having a scheduled online face to face visit once or twice or three times a week at scheduled times be at all helpful? If not that, perhaps scheduled phone time interaction? Thinking of this in terms of myself and my husband, I would want phone connection several times a week at least and perhaps face to face via computer once a week . . . . if computer is out, then the phone connection for sure.

What dear and caring daughters you are and both of you are also to be commended on the care and caring for their relationship and emotional well-being.

Let us know how things are going, we will be thinking of you and we truly do care.

J.