Agitation and Demands
Comments
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I have experienced similar outbursts from my DH. It has gone on for months so I learned to agree with everything, remove myself if I have to, fib, put the blame/issue on someone else preferably someone "on vacation." Things become "lost" or "broken". I now text with my friends because I can't spend more than 10 minutes on the phone, and then, I lock myself in the bathroom with the water running. (I have quite the tummy trouble.) I have found that he eventually blamed the "other woman." Good luck and don't it personally - it's the disease.
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I don’t take it personally, I always tell myself it’s the disease… I just can’t seem to get out of certain situations with him..I feel trapped at times… I often let him yell.. then I leave the room and give him space… it’s hard and sad..
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I would recommend speaking to his doctor. If there is nothing physically wrong (UTI, etc.) that caused this change, explain the behaviors to the doctor and see if there is a medication that can be prescribed to help calm him.
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I did do that last week and we started Seroquel 25mg 2xday. This is day 5 and I have at least 2 outburst every day.. sometime more… it just depends if he gets his mind hyper focused on something he it’s hard to get him to switch gears…
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Looking back, I thought my husband was/is a giant PIA, but it may have been disease before I realized it.
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Gosh! I wish I had a good solution. I went through that phase, too. It was extremely hard to bear. The anger outbursts and unreasonable demands are not to be ignored cuz DH just got even closer in my face until there's not a space in between us. I won't go into other manic episodes, but I silently vowed then that it was time for memory care and started looking for one. I could hardly wait for an opening, and when the call finally came that a room was available, it was my salvation.
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I can’t see me putting him in MC yet… he still knows who I am. Did your DH still know you?
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It will take time for the medication to work. It's difficult to deal with the behaviors. Keep in contact with the doctor and adjust as needed. It's usually best to slowly increase the medicine and give it a chance to fully work. It's also hit or miss and another medicine may work better. I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted.
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we understand. Sadly caregivers have no time for themselves unless you get someone to stay with him so you can get a break. He needs constant care. You said you can’t reason with him. That’s because his reasoner is broken. He’s like a three year old having tantrums. Anxiety and agitation are common. The medications take about 2 weeks to work. I would focus on my DH during the day and do everything else after he went to bed or before he woke up. As the disease progresses caring for him will become a 24/7 mentally & physically exhausting job. Each stage has new challenges. I would fib. Hide the tools and tell him it broke and you ordered another. Keep changing the fib. Eventually he will stop asking. Give him things to do in the house to make him feel useful. Look into day care and tell him he’s a volunteer helping other people. Have you read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and looked at Tam Cummings videos? They give tips to help.
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Yes, but he became more violent. I didn't feel safe, couldn't sleep at night. There were voices in his head that told him to hurt me.
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I also do everything I enjoy at night after he has gone to bed (thankfully it's very early…8:00 pm usually). I am an artist and even if he leaves me alone for a short time in my studio (normally he'll interrupt me to watch a video on the price of silver or the coming economic collapse, etc.) I can't relax and enjoy it because I know it upsets him. The problem is that I am so exhausted at night that I don't have enough energy to do anything meaningful. It's so disheartening to have spent so many years learning to paint and basically have to give it up now…ugh…what a life!
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Thank You!💕 I will give it a few weeks. He has good Drs that I communicate with.
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I like you and too exhausted some nights, and if I stay up late, he gets up early! Funny notes…He doesn't have Sun-downers…he has Sun-Uppers!! wakes up wanting to run and get things done…problem is he has nothing that has to get done! He bought a 6 inch mini chain saw to cut limbs on trees we don't have! I have to keep my humor about me or I would crumble! I ask to help me and empty the dishwasher…he says OK and goes to kitchen and comes back with a Gatorade and sits in front of the TV. He can't drive anymore and assumes I need lessons every time I do.
Unfortunately for me we can't afford MC for him it would wipe us out…..so I have it till the end. I'm trying to prepare myself for that. I have a support animal and a few friends to help, and here now to vent!! My son (from prev marriage) lives near by and can help some but he has a large Construction Business and is very busy.
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I would discuss a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist with your PCP. Most MC facilities won’t accept someone with that behavior. You’d hate to face a placement crisis that could have been avoided.
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Oh Wow…. I would have to take drastic measures and sedate him if that happens to me. I have known some people where their husbands got threatening…they were put in MC but they had the means to do so, unfortunately I don't.
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I know how hard this is on you. It’s exhausting … always shoving our feelings down deep while trying to remain calm for them. I also deal with the anger and yelling and cussing from my DH. It is so unfair when we are the ones doing EVERYTHING. I can handle the “no appreciation ever” but I don’t always do so well with the “yelling and hate-filled looks.” We are in the same position - not able to afford MC. If things get too bad, I will have to put him on Medicaid and in a nursing home. I hope it never comes to that, but I also know, from reading all the posts, that sometimes that is the best solution. One day at a time.
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Yea..I do EVERYTHING too! It's one day at a time one issue at a time…We will get through it…Hopefully Much Stronger on the other side. I have cared for many family members so far…I feel God has been preparing me for this..I helped care for my Dad who had Lung CA died at 53, My older sister who died at 42 with Lung Cancer and My older Brother who died of Lung Cancer at 44 and My Mom at 81 who died of Lung Cancer… Soooo if I ain't Stone cold Crazy by Now We are all Good LOL…. Gotta keep the Humor!
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I now do bits of things that I enjoy. I’ve got so many things that I would love to do and things that we did together and all I seem to do is give them up one at a time. No more tuckshop duties with the grandkids, no more kayaking, no more sailing, no more talking to friends on the phone for more than 10mins, no more poetry writing, very little sewing. We have found ‘Sailability’ which is marvellous but I can see it’s not going to last, so sad. What a difficult journey for us all and our partners. Constantly finding different solutions, changing the pattern, changing our style and finding solace in fabricating the truth. And wondering all the time when does this journey end and do I want the end to come. It’s so sad.
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How horrendous … so many family members that died of lung cancer at such an early age! You certainly have been through some tough times with caregiving. And now here you are again facing this! God bless you!
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If I did not have humor and Faith in God, I’d be dead by now..I would have took myself out for sure!
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Memory care is very expensive but where I live some MC facilities take some Medicaid people and depending on where you live Medicaid lets you keep some spousal money, your house and some other things and there are ways to protect some of your other income. I don't know the details but it might be worth talking to a elder law attorney.
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I agree with the statement that it is not the person it is the dieses, but this diesis is not like a kidney diesis where you can make a big move and donate a kidney to give the patient a chance to get better or anything like that. Sacrificing your health and life when there is no hope of the patient getting better or ever enjoying life again is much harder and I don't know where the limit should be. My wife is in MC and our marriage was not really good she had cheated on me a couple of times, but I go see her every day and it still hurts when she asks when she can come home. MC has made a lot of things easier, but not easy.
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Thank You! I have and in SC you can keep a certain amount but My hope is I can keep him at home where he is comfortable and avoid nursing homes. I’ve had very bad experiences with them in the past with my Mom’s care.
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Glimmer of hope…It had been 7 days on Seroquel… Im finally seeing some difference in his mood and demeanor…🙏🙏 it keeps working…..Im almost afraid to say we have had 2 very good days without an outburst!
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I too have begun telling little white lies so I can redirect my DW to another subject. I’ve taken her credit cards and hid them. When she asks, I tell her a new card is in the mail. When she wants to buy something that doesn’t make any sense, I tell her that we have yo wait until her paycheck comes in. We had a cruise planned for January but after seeing her decline, I decided to cancel the cruise. I told her that the cruise line canceled the cruise and we will schedule a new cruise this upcoming summer. I feel so bad lying to her but don’t know what else to do. 😞
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That's excellent news, DWTired! Wishing you continued success.
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I too feel so bad for lies… it’s so hard. We do what we have to do!
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We call those "fiblets." We all do it, because it is cruel not to. The alternative is to tell her she is dumb as a rock, getting dumber, and you can't take her anywhere. I wouldn't do that to a stranger, much less to my wife. As you said, we do what we have to do.
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Rough day today! He wants all these things (some heavy) moved….to see what it looks like and then he wants me to move it back…..UGGGGHHHHH!!!!! He wants his things organized, wants me to do it ~ like he sees it in his brain, the way he wants it. Got very upset when I told him that's not what I want to do today, He got in my face again, cussing and pushing me out of the way, telling me to "GoAway" and accusing me of aggravating him on purpose so I could leave….🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ I did have a few calm days….but I did follow him around. I just can't deal with it today….
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We went through Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde within minutes. It drove me to the brink of wanting to end it all. I only found salvation after placing DH in memory care, although new problems surfaced. At least, I didn't have to fear for my own safety. The only thing that helped was finding the right combination of medications.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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