Pulling the trigger on memory care

midge333

I am currently contemplating placing my DW into memory care. My original plan was to care for her at home until she died. I am beginning to feel overwhelmed and my health is beginning to suffer. Of course, I have all the conflicted feelings (guilt, feeling like I am abandoning her, etc). What pushed you over the edge and prompted you to place your spouse?

fmb

My situation was somewhat different from yours. I was forced to place my DH in enhanced AL by his physical disabilities after suffering a stroke and many falls. He is a large man, and I am a small woman. Our home is a very old mobile home with narrow hallways and small bedrooms and is unable to accommodate a wheelchair. By the time I placed him, he was already in Stage 6. He wasn't diagnosed with ALZ until 13 mos. ago when he was in rehab for one of his many falls.

I did not struggle with guilt so much as with the stress of finding a facility that would take him with multiple co-morbidities and a chronic catheter. The stress was severely affecting my physical and emotional health. Despite having DPOA and healthcare POA, I almost had to petition for guardianship before he finally relented and agreed to be placed. I have been dealing with varying degrees of grief for a long time.

My mother also has ALZ (Stage 6). With none of her children living nearby, she realized that she could no longer live alone, sold her home and car, and moved into AL in Sep. 2022. Although she insisted that she "had all her marbles", her ALZ suddenly advanced in Dec. 2023. She actually requested a transfer to MC, saying that she did not feel safe in the ALF. She has since developed paranoia, hallucinations, and agitation. My siblings and I fully supported both of her moves. She had always insisted that she did not want to be a burden and would not let us move her closer to any of our homes.

Know that you are not abandoning you DW. You are, in fact, doing a most loving act by placing her in a MCF where she can get the round-the-clock care that she needs. She will be cared for by people who know how to care for PWD and will have opportunities for socialization and stimulation that are very difficult to provide as a spousal caregiver. You will still have an active role in her care, most importantly as her advocate.

You must take care of yourself. You are equally as important as she is. You cannot let this disease claim two victims.

This document has useful information on dealing with the guilt and grief of placing a LO with dementia. https://www.alz.org/media/greatermissouri/guilt_and_grief_when_moving_your_loved_one_to_a_care_facility.pdf

Biggles

I haven’t yet had to face this and like so many I want to look after my DH until the end however I am storing up all this invaluable knowledge knowing that it ne day I might have to face this move. Thank you for being so brave and showing such courage. Doing the right thing can be so hard.

easy23

My husband's disorientation, delusions and hallucinations made me place him in MC. He wanted to keep going outside to go to work, back home, to school, to his mother's house. I could no longer spend hours, every day, trying to keep him safe at home.

I also had no backup plan for his care in the event something happened to me. I talked to our daughters, and we were all in agreement that he would be safer in MC.

He has been there for 2 months now and seems perfectly content. I am much more relaxed and have the time to take care of me. It was a good decision.

Good luck!

Jeanne C.

For us, it was a combination of progression and a bad fall. He has progressed quickly. In Fall 2022, pre diagnosis, he was functional and even driving. He was progressing but I was able to care for him here using a combination of daycare and an aide during the day and me covering nights and weekends. Then he got Covid. He really never bounced back and started progressing more quickly (lost weight, significantly less ability to talk, became incontinent, etc.) and I called in hospice. I was thinking it was time to place him and then about a month ago he had a really bad fall. His balance had been getting worse and the fall was, to me, a sign that I couldn’t keep him safe at home. I was fortunate that my choice of facilities had an open bed. It’s been ok so far. He’s adjusting well (doesn’t seem to know the difference honestly) and they’re taking good care of him. I’ve been having a hard time adjusting but I keep plugging along.

If you’re asking the question, it’s probably time. I’m sorry.

cdgbdr

Wow. I want to keep DH home as long as possible and really plan until the end. For now, it's manageable and I am able to work. Reading all the things on here make me see that may not be possible. My concerns are mostly financial. I have started looking ahead and have spoken to the elder care attorney about Medicaid when needed but I hope it's a while off. I know MC isn't necessarily going to be covered. What a dilemma we face.

Dunno

What pushed me over the edge....
I was burned out. The 24/7 responsibilities, the stress, and anxiety were killing me (literally).

I love this fmb...."she can get the round-the-clock care that she needs. She will be cared for by people who know how to care for PWD and will have opportunities for socialization and stimulation that are very difficult to provide as a spousal caregiver." ...it's kinda what I keep telling myself.

Joe C.

My trigger was safety. DW was wandering and trying to eat small objects, she needed eyes on her constantly. I felt it was only a matter of time until something serious happened. In my case placement went very smoothly and DW has been happy, content and well cared for in MC.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71175/pulling-the-trigger-on-memory-care

Dear Midge,

My DH got COVID and it advanced his Alz. I was already overwhelmed, sick and depressed. While I really wanted to bring him home, I knew that it would be worse than ever and I was barely hanging on. I placed hm when he got out of the hospital. It worked well as they took him from the hospital to the MC. I still feel guilty, but I also feel alive again. I didn't know how bad my life had gotten until I had a little relief. I was like the frog in a pot of boiling water. Yep, I still feel badly about it but I know it was best for him and I.

Denise1847

BPS

My wife was having delusions of me having affairs with family members so none of our kids could come visit without her getting upset. She didn't say anything to them but after they left she would make accusations for weeks or months. She was mad at me a lot and needed help with everything so not only could I not have anyone over I could not go anywhere. I was looking into memory care then she had a stroke that effected mostly her left side, so she went straight from rehab to memory care. I think that made the transition easier because I could tell her it was for more therapy.

Victoriaredux

When you realize you are both slowlyyyyyy dying of the disease and if you risk yourself - you are leaving them alone without the one person who loves and knows them the best .

Most vows are until death do us part - to me that meant caring for them as long as possible and not one partner sacrificing themselves. Getting them 24/7 care and having them be loved by a healthy you requires no guilt.

Posted this before - it's about making the decision :

text link : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaqZv1A-GTk&list=PLh41NYcDaN6pjheDhe68Vq8_13U3HLaIw&t=1s&ab_channel=EthicsinSociety

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaqZv1A-GTk&list=PLh41NYcDaN6pjheDhe68Vq8_13U3HLaIw&t=1s&ab_channel=EthicsinSociety

Dunno

Excellent video. I'll watch it again tomorrow. But this was a liberating statement/question: "Why are you more important than I am?

SDianeL

I had planned on taking care of my DH until I was no longer physically able. Last December I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and had no choice but to place him in memory care. He received great care however he had PCA and declined rapidly and passed August 12. Due to his rapid progression I would have had to place him sooner than planned even without my cancer diagnosis. If you are feeling overwhelmed it’s time.

Carl46

My doctor thinks caring for my wife is contributing to my health problems too. I think it is not wrong to ask for help when you need it. After all, the first thing you learn in lifesaving class is how to keep the drowning person from drowning you.

Palmetto Peg

My DH became increasingly aggressive, and we live in a Continuing Care Retirement Community. One night on the way back from dinner he asked another resident if they wanted to fight, called him names, etc. The Director of our facility gave me two choices - either send him to the geripsych unit for medication management, and then place him in memory care, or both of us would have to leave the community. I knew how burned out I was, so the decision wasn't that hard. I feel guilty, I feel sad, I feel angry that our lives turned out this way, but I also know it was my only choice. Anyone who thinks placing your LO in memory care is the easy way out is wrong. It is a huge financial burden, and I still spend a lot of time visiting him and caring for him. Every time I leave him I feel guilty, but I am also rested for the first time in several years, and our relationship is better because I am not so short tempered with him. Do whatever you need to do for you - we simply can't be caregivers when our reserves are gone! Best of luck!

JoseyWales

Delusions. Anger. Always needing to GO.

And the fact that I needed to work. And my 2 caregivers quit on me because of DH's behaviors. (Early onset sucks)