[mouth hanging open]

clarinetist

Just had a phone conversation with my DH’s stepmom. She asked very specifically how I was doing, and then filled me in on what she was doing. Toward the end of the call, she finally asked how my DH, her stepson, was doing, but prefaced her question with, “but just a little bit; I don’t want to be sad.” I was flummoxed. As my DH is not doing well and I’m preparing to move him to a nursing home, I didn’t really have any not-sad news.

It feels as though she slammed a door in my face. I guess I’ll be censoring myself in conversations with her from now on. 😯

Quilting brings calm

or just not answering when she calls. Texting is a good thing

fmb

It is a sad fact that you find out who is really in your corner when the going gets tough. Surround yourself with people who truly care and relegate the rest, including the stepmother, to the outer circle of your life. You don't need the aggravation.

SDianeL

many people can’t face the truth about this terrible disease. Not knowing is a defense mechanism for them. Then they are shocked when the person declines and passes. So sad. I would ask her how much is enough to tell her. I would then start telling her everything until she says stop.

Biggles

don’t think she is worth talking to at all. Your time and strength is too precious to waste. I agree with fmb it’s a sad fact when you find out who is actually in your corner when faced with this horrible disease, all but a precious few of our friends have disappeared and now I know they are not worth a second thought. Take care.

brs

Ugh, I'm sorry you experienced this. I explained to a family member this week, when people distance themselves from our LO because of their discomfort we as caregivers are lacking support we need.

Palmetto Peg

My stepchildren are in total denial and are very upset with me that I placed my DH in memory care. You have to let go of the people who don't provide support to you. I would tell your DH's stepmom that if she doesn't want to hear the sad things, there is really nothing for you to tell her - and hang up!! Don't give her space in your already stressed-out head. When he goes into the nursing home, text her the address where she can find him if she wants to visit, and then move on with what you need to do. (((Hugs))) - I know hard this is!!!!

dayn2nite2

I think it's time to stop talking to her. You shouldn't have to censor your speech with her. Your LO has a terminal illness that is progressing and IT'S ALL SAD. ALL OF IT. She doesn't get "I don't want to be sad," it isn't an option. I agree with Peg, text the address of the facility when DH is moved and let them know that is where they can visit. I guarantee she will not go.

M5M

I would not share where DH is moved to. Although unlikely, what if stepmom shows up and creates more confusion?

housefinch

I’d cease communication. She doesn’t get to drive the bus about what you share. It’s her job to manage her emotions around a devastating situation, not your job to tiptoe around it verbally during a conversation. Nope!

​fesk

Have to agree with everyone. Time to cut communication or do not worry about censoring what you say.

housefinch is spot on - it's her job to manage her emotions.

I find this disease to be terribly isolating and depressing. Most of my mother's relatives have fallen off. Too difficult for them Too bad I say. When they send a text to me on a holiday to give her a hug or kiss for them, I'm tempted to reply to come over and do it themselves. I'll probably just not reply though. People are incredibly selfish.

clarinetist

Thank you all for your support. After the phone call with my DH’s stepmom, I immediately wanted to post here, as I knew you all would get it. This forum and all of you are really the best. ❤️

Luckily my husband’s stepmom lives across the country from us, and I highly doubt she’ll want to visit. After reading your comments I’ve decided to scale back my interactions with her. When my DH enters the nursing home, I’ll send her a brief text.

When a casual acquaintance asks how my DH is, I don’t go into detail. But she is my husband’s only living parent, and I expected more from her. I now know to keep my expectations low, and hope that I’m pleasantly surprised.

jsps139_

That’s sad, but she is more concerned with herself than with anyone else … oh boy!!
When someone says something inconsiderate to me, the first thing I say to myself … is there any possibility that I would say that to someone? If the answer is no way … I don’t make any effort to contact them anymore.

If I think … maybe I would say that to someone before thinking … I just forget about it and give them the benefit of the doubt … we all say stupid things from time to time. I remind myself constantly … unless you’ve been a caregiver to a PWD, there is no way you can understand what we go through.

I like your attitude “keep my expectations low, and hope that I’m pleasantly surprised.” That’s a keeper!