Need advice....

DaniGreen

I have DPOA but not guardianship of my Mom who has moderate dementia (Alzheimer's and vascular) Do I need to get guardianship to place her if she is refusing? She is currently living with me and it is getting to be too much for myself and my daughter, I am a single mom and work full time with CG's at my house with her during the day while I am at work. My mom and her sister (who has caused multiple problems) keep having these phone conversations trying to come up with a "secret" escape plan to take my Mom to her house (in a different state) to live and just tell me they are just taking my Mom for a visit but not bring her back. My Mom is in the stage where she spends all day on the phone with her sister and friends telling them "how awful it is here", "I need to get out" etc. My daughter continues to hear awful things said about me, her, our home etc. It is taking a toll on all of us. While having my Aunt take my Mom would give us the break, My aunt cannot care for my mom or provide her with the 24/7 supervision she needs, nor do I trust her. I have found several places close to my home for my Mom to go, but she refuses and keeps saying "I'm going to live with my sister". I m tired, overwhelmed, and completely heartbroken that my family and her friends actually believe that my mom is in an "awful place/situation".

psg712

What an exhausting and stressful situation. If the POA is truly durable and not one which requires doctors to certify her incapacity, you should be able to place her even if she objects. She could hire an attorney and fight the placement, but does she have the ability to initiate that on her own?

It's good that you have found some facilities close to you. Are they locked memory care units? I'd be concerned about her trying to run away from the facility, given the escape plots she has discussed with her sister. Might be a good idea not to take the phone with her when she moves, to give her undistracted time to adjust.

Sounds like your aunt does not have a clear understanding of your mom's deficits. No one who isn't the 24/7 responsible caregiver has the whole picture. The criticism truly does hurt when you are doing your best to provide safe care for your mom while balancing her needs with the others in the family. Kudos to you for your sensitivity to how this is affecting your daughter.

H1235

As DPOA I signs all the paperwork to place mom in AL. She did not want to go but probably realized she had no choice. I would definitely be concerned with your mom trying to leave the facility. I would also ask if you can control who takes her out of the facility. I had some similar concerns, the facility agreed that only my brother and I could take her out of the building (this was before she moved in). Later they let her leave with anyone. Even when she talked about finding transportation and going to her house on her own, the facility said they couldn’t stop her, she was free to come and go as she pleased. (This was after we moved her in). AL tends to give residents a lot of freedom. Have you looked into medication that might calm down some of the anger and upset? It’s a long process to find one that works best. Even if your mom doesn’t have the ability to fight you on this (legally) it sounds like your aunt might. You should probably mentally prepare yourself. I got a letter signed by two of mom’s doctors saying she was not able to make medical or financial decisions for herself. I guess I just thought it might come in handy if what I was doing was ever questioned. You might also want to make sure you are extra diligent with keeping track of her finances ( record everything, save every receipt etc.) just in case the aunt questions anything. I can’t even imagine doing all this working full time and raising a daughter. Wow!

SusanB-dil

Disappear or disable that phone ASAP. Those conversations with her sister are not healthy for her nor you nor your family. Disable it and tell her you are taking it for repairs. It sounds like sis, like so many others who are not around her, are woefully clueless. IF you really want her to have a phone, get one you can program, without sis' number.

You have DPOA, so no, you do not need guardianship. The DPOA covers that.

If you can place her, I agree - then do so. Block that sis from visitation, as it actually sounds dangerous. Your mom has anosognosia, not denial, but the firm belief that nothing is wrong. sounds like she is 'showtiming' on the phone with sis, that she is 'stuck', and sis is in denial. Bad scenario.

Mom is blessed to have you watching out for her. You would be her advocate, but you need your peace-of-mind and home.