Loves the family members that don’t help

Katie2289

My mom will brag to anyone who will listen about my sister and brother but when it comes to me, the one who is actually taking care of everything, the one who she is living with- nothing
Don’t give me wrong I don’t want. Do I need to be In anybody’s eyes, but it sure would be nice to get a pat on the back every once in a while

harshedbuzz

@Katie2289

Oh dear, you aren't ever going to get recognition from your mom for all you do. She likely has anosognosia and can't recognize how impaired she is in terms of needing assistance. She may even think she's doing all the things you are doing. And even if she did, she'd lack the empathy to throw you a bone.

Your brother and sister may not realize all you do. Or perhaps not recognizing what you're doing would make them feel badly so they avoid it.

We get it. Hugs to you.

HB

H1235

My niece and her 3 kids lived with my mom before she was diagnosed. They trashed her house, stole money and just took advantage of her. Yet in moms eyes they can do no wrong. When we finally got them and mom out of the house and I started cleaning and mom blamed me for the mess they made. When I visit her in AL she goes on and on about them. My brother has no idea how much time I spend doing things for mom. Again he can do no wrong and at the moment she is not even speaking to me. The caregiver is usually to one that not only doesn’t get any recognition, but often gets blamed. I was going to say we are all in the same boat, but maybe sinking ship is more appropriate. You’re not alone.

Jo C.

Katie, I understand. This type of behavior is not uncommon; Members often mention being in similar situations. I also experienced this in my journey with my LO and eventually came to peace with it and myself. I was managing it all while working fulltime, not easy but, "needs must." I was not perfect, but I did know what I was providing for my LO, and did not feel the need to provide validation of the care to others under such dysfunctional circumstances. However; I also understood the concerns others in family may sincerely feel and provided email input and updates from time to time in a positive manner; that was helpful.

If asked how things were going by persons outside the family, I usually gave a positive response that while it was not easy, we were managing as well as could be. I did not feed into the questions of others who were not involved or close; just smiled and said we were managing and changed the subject or found an excuse to remove myself.

As for a myriad of close relatives who lived out of state but were critical with no knowledge or reason and who were wont to call with not the best of intentions, I realized this was based on no direct knowledge and their concern as well as imagination; I did provide some online softly detailed updates, often weekly, which was helpful in slowing that down and often extinguishing it because they had no idea of what was truly present and concerned imaginations were way out of fact, (completely in some of the distant relatives.}

It is certainly not an easy journey and such dynamics from others can add to negatives. I did find that if I sent a benign informational email out weekly or every other week, it was helpful in keeping negatives far less than they would be if the imaginations of out of area/state others continued to grow and foment without actual facts.

Prevention of imagined negatives is easily done with short group emails to relatives who are not involved in care, but are deeply concerned and worried - perhaps even thinking of themselves being in such a situation one day - especially the very elderly relatives seemed to have such concerns about the details and I understand the why's and wherefores of that.

As for my mother and step-dad - omigosh. My brother who lived about 20 minutes from her would visit for very short 20 to 30 minute or so visits when she lived at home every few weeks or so. Not a bad person, but unconscious about so much and not a "people person." Also not open to suggestion, etc. Just easier and more peaceful to do what I was doing and my husband was also supportive and kind regarding my leaping and dancing up and down the freeways as needs warranted after work and on weekends, etc.

I was certainly NOT a perfect carer nor at all a perfect daughter. Embarrassed myself sometimes re that. My car knew it's way from my place of work up and down three freeways to my mother all by itself I think. Hired assistance - oh my; that too needed much oversight and management. Sometimes things were working well and peaceful BUT - the other side of the coin also often rose up and caused much concern. I used to lay awake in the wee hours thinking of what I should do, or what had I forgot to do, and how were things going when I was not present. Tried to shut that off, but sometimes the brain does what it wants.

Give and take, up and down, golden and tarnished, all the positives and negatives and the what-ifs and what now's that did indeed keep my brain knocking me into wakefulness many nights.

When deep need for placement rose and with great care was achieved with so much work and searching, it became MUCH easier to manage and know my LO was doing as best as could be under the circumstances. I made sure it was a high quality facility with known high quality of care and was nearby so I could make visits during the week between work and home and on weekends, etc. The only reason this could be was that my mother had some money in savings which permitted private pay for a decent period of time. However; I also ensured that the facility would take Medi-Cal if private pay ran out. We had enough to pay privately for awhile so the good facility accepted her and it was close to where we live and that was very, very helpful..

I send warmest of thoughts and soft hugs to one and all dealing with this; you will do okay and come out the other side okay and in the meantime, you are doing a monumental set of blessings for your LO who has needed your care management so much.

Wonder if I will have anyone to do this for me one day; that is rather questionable and rather scary.

J.

H