Advice on moving.

CatladyNW

My DH passed about a month ago.He had been in high level AL/MC for over 2 ½ years. He had severely disabling Parkinson’s disease and dementia, diagnosed about six years ago, but it went back further than that. I am in the midst of grieving, and overwhelmed with unhappy memories of the last years. Everywhere I go, I see reminders of his decline and illness-the numerous places he fell, the doctors’ offices, the hospitals, etc. We have lived in a small town for many years, and I feel like people look at me now as the widow of that poor guy. All to say that suddenly I have an intense desire to move to a new place where I can find some sort of different life- it’s like there is no possibility of ever feeling normal or peaceful here again, let alone find any measure of happiness. It wouldn’t be easy to start over again either. My loss is fresh, and I realize that it would probably be prudent to wait and see how grief evolves. But I am in my 70’s and know that I don’t have years and years in my future. The last decade was lost to his illness. I wonder if others have struggled with this, what decisions they made, and how it worked out.

fmb

Although I am not officially widowed yet, I have also struggled with this decision.

DH has Stage 7 ALZ, CHF, and had a stroke in June 2023. His descent into ALZ began at least 10 years ago, though he was not diagnosed until after the stroke. As he deteriorated, we became more and more isolated until I felt we were prisoners in our own home. He has lived in an ALF with enhanced services and hospice care for almost a year.

I have been grieving his incremental loss for years, though I know the pain I feel now is nothing like the pain I will feel when he dies. We are most likely now down to a matter of weeks.

Experts on grief say the bereaved should make no life-changing decisions for at least the first year. Having said that, I can understand the feeling that you're not getting any younger and you don't want to waste what time you have left. I'm only 64 and feel the same way.

DH has not lived at home in over a year. A few months ago I began to change the environment inside our house. Rearranging furniture, donating unwanted décor, getting rid of his bed. It is now my home. The memories are still there, but are usually bearable.

There are things in the world outside my home that are going to trigger my grief for a long, long time. Seeing an ambulance. Driving past his ALF, which I have to do to get to my volunteer work. Going to the bank where he loved to banter with the tellers. Getting junk mail addressed to him.

 I feel like people look at me now as the widow of that poor guy. 

Right now your husband's death is fresh in your mind. Now that condolences have been paid and the casserole dishes have been washed and returned, your neighbors and friends are back to living their own lives. I'm sure there are those who care about you and ask how you are doing. But the majority of those you encounter have moved on. Doesn't mean they don't care, just that (don't be offended) his death is yesterday's news.

Right now you want to run away. Run away from home or perhaps just run away from your grief and pain. As you know, you can't outrun or hide from your grief. It is something that must be endured.

Starting over again in a new locale is never easy. Everything is unknown, and you don't have the comfort of familiar faces, sights and sounds. If you know no one, you don't even really know where to start. Anonymity may feel desirable, but loneliness is real, made even more real by grief.

If you have friends and caring relatives in your current location, they can be a great support as you move forward. You will have to ask; they can't read minds. Invite someone over for coffee or out for lunch. Ask about their grandkids and vacations. Listen to them and let them distract you. Share their joy even if you don't really feel it. Find a bereavement group or volunteer work. Give of your time, talents or simply be a listening ear for someone else who needs it. Focusing on something besides your own loss can help.

I have been forced to make the decision to move from my home. I live in a very old trailer in a trailer park. At the time I bought the trailer, 22 years ago, my first husband had left me with two young children and $10. When it became clear 17 years ago that DH (we were not married then) could not continue to live safely in his two-story house, we decided to live in my trailer. In the past two years, the trailer park has become severely rat infested. I had hoped to be able to age-in-place there, but it has become unsafe. So I have already begun downsizing, but will not move until after DH dies. When he is gone I will have no deep ties to the area where I have lived the past 40 years.

While I had thought of moving to a nearby smaller city in an adjoining state, I know no one there. I don't want to start over from scratch. I do have a dear friend who lives in that state, about 80 miles from me. We have known each other 46 years. He lost his wife to Covid almost two years ago, and we have been corresponding regularly since. I visited him a couple of months ago, saw the area, attended his church, and liked what I saw. His friends welcomed me. He is a good, godly man, and our relationship is purely platonic.

So I am planning to move to his area and rent a small house or apartment. Just enough room for me and my sewing room. <smile> The cost of living, and especially housing, is much less than my current location. One-level homes are much more available. Having a friend there to help me settle in will help ease the transition. To me it just makes sense. I have discussed this with him, and he thinks it would be a good place for me to live.

I hope some of what I have written helps you. ((Hugs))

CatladyNW

@fmb. Thank you for your answer and advice. I am sorry that you are dealing with the sorrow of the last stages of losing a LO. That stress is terrible. I can relate to your experience in many ways. I have been grieving a long time. Yes, the finality of death is different, but perhaps the only positive is that you are somewhat prepared for the inevitable, it will not be a shock. Your suggestions are all good, and I am trying to force myself to reach out to friends and stay busy with things to distract from my pain. I will be working with the hospice bereavement counselors this coming week. Perhaps it will be easier as time goes on, I hope so. It sounds like you have a well thought out plan for your future. After such a long struggle you deserve a chance to live with the possibility of happiness and contentment. Sixty four is not very old! I wish you the very best in this difficult time, and send a big hug back at you.

ThisLife

@fmb Thank you for sharing some very relevant good thoughts. And @CatladyNW I can relate to a lot of what you're feeling though from different losses in my life.

My dad died suddenly at 54 yrs old. My DH had just been transferred to a new location in a very small community. Shortly after, we moved from the apartment to base housing. The roads where the apartment was, where my parents parked their 5th- wheel, the hospital, the doctor they took my nephew to a few days before, the funeral home as he had to be transported back to the state where my parents live. All triggering. The advantage there were no long-standing community ties. And I learned routes to avoid those areas. We lived there 5 years. It was fine after a while.

Fast forward 23 years, we lost our youngest son under tragic circumstances. We had lived in the city 19 years. I worked in the school district where he had attended school. My observations took me to various schools daily. His struggle played out over several months, and I had to take calls at school sites. I was confronted almost daily with places where he attended school, places where I had been taking calls, and all the places where 8 years of memories had been made. The first few years were harrowing. I still don't remember much of the five years after he passed. What I do remember is the support I had from friends, coworkers and community. It was the only way I moved forward. I came to cherish all the memories of the good times, and the sad last months faded away.

I'm 70 years old and we moved across the country to be closer to my son 2.5 years before DH passed. I was house bound with him and could not get out in the community. I don't like the climate - weather or political but can't afford to move back to where friends are. I've visited each fall and leave with reluctance. Having been in this house a short time and never having had the time to completely unpack, it feels like an Airbnb. I do remember the angry, hostile man DH became because of the disease and the things he broke.

I too want to be anywhere but here in sooo may ways. I wouldn't do anything hasty. If you have the ability to affordably get out of town for periods of time it may help.

tigersmom

@CatladyNW , I think the desire to be somewhere else after this loss is really natural. I feel that, too. My husband died six weeks ago, and I am struggling every time I leave the house. Everywhere I walk reminds me of him and the things we did together. When I’m home, the house seems amazingly empty. It’s easy to think that anywhere else would be better. I don’t know that it would, though. For 20 years, DH and I spent our summer weekends in a small town 90 miles east of here, and I have mostly happy memories of our time in that place. I always thought we might retire there, but Alzheimer’s made that impossible. I am planning to take a drive out there one day just to see how I feel. I don’t know if I would miss where I am now or not. I am not planning any immediate moves, but I might find a realtor to keep an eye out for me. Nine years ago, we sold our house and have rented the same house since, so that part of a move would be easy. I do have a few friends out there, and I am very familiar with the area, both pro and con. I guess I just need to take my temperature on this, so to speak. Thanks for starting this discussion. I will be eager to hear what others have to say.