The angry phone calls but good news

MaryEllenDaughter

Well despite the angry phone calls I get from Dad each night, 9 pm sharp, the staff assures me he is going to activities, and classes, is social and friendly. Those phone calls are so hard. Anyone else have a coping strategy for the anger? I moved him from his home he misses his garage, lawn mower etc.

JM27

Hi,

Although my dad isn’t in MC, I did move him from his home with me and that’s all he talks about is when he goes home. He isn’t aware he won’t be going back to his home. Before medication he was getting very angry and irritable and insisting on going home. The anger and irritability is very hard to deal with.

I have heard someone on here say the hard part is putting them or getting them into memory care. So you have done a great job! Remind yourself it’s for his wellbeing and safety. Hang in there you are doing great!

housefinch

Get rid of his phone?

sandwichone123

I'm with housefinch. Get rid of the phone. Remove your number from it and tell him it's broken. Set your own ringtone to silent for his calls. You are not required to listen whenever he wants to rail at you.

harshedbuzz

Disappear the phone. If staff need to contact you, they can call.

If you don't have the heart to do that, you can buy a burner phone and let his calls go to that. Silence the ringer. Make the outgoing message something reassuring to him. Check it no more than once daily if you feel you need to.

It sounds like he's doing great until the daily activities programming is done for the day which is very positive.

HB

Emily 123

Agree—if you feel he must have a phone then send it to voicemail. Something may be triggering him at that time, and if you can figure out what it is and remove it then the calls might cease. But it might be more reasonable to remove the phone. Just because you have to take over making difficult decisions for him doesn't mean you need three heaping scoops of abuse, guilt, and doubt on top of that. Give yourself a break. It's ok to not be a punching bag.

MaryEllenDaughter

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/228905#Comment_228905

He uses the house phone

MaryEllenDaughter

He uses the house phone. I have been letting mine go to voicemail

dlomba1823

Hello. First time posting but needed to comment. First- I understand on many levels. I had a very difficult call with my Mom last night- and it is still shaking me and my adult daughter. If you are getting a call at 9pm daily, do not answer your phone- or having someone else get it for. you. Tell your father or someone that you have something going on- or call him earlier in the day- but dont let that habit start to be a new daily thing- it is not good for you- and it is not good for your father (I am guessing) what is GREAT is that there is staff around him and they are assuring him that he is doing well all day with the care they are giving him. Maybe before all of this he was the sort of person that complained no matter what? It's interesting how you may be seeing things how they haven't been for you before as the roles have changed. Something I tried in my thinking today was to think of what my Mom would tell me if I told her about the situation she was putting me in today. So - think of 10 years ago, what would your dad tell you if you told him that at 9pm every day you got an upsetting call? Would he tell you not to answer or to take the abuse or just deal with it? My guess is that he would say something to you that is encouraging or maybe he would even joke and be light about it. In my case, my Mom would say- "Try not to let it get to you.' or she would say, "Dont answer the phone- that's not fair to you."

--Rebecca--

Had I not spoken with my father daily, I would not have known he had the norovirus. His AL didn't bother to tell anyone.

But you don't need to take his abuse. Take his calls, if you want. Stop him when he begins to be disrespectful. "I'm sorry, but you are speaking to me rudely. Let's try again tomorrow when you feel better. Talk to you then, bye."

For me, after two in person exchanges with my angry parents that went similarly, they learned to stop the angry venting.

They will never stop missing their old lives, and that's ok. He gets to miss tinkering in the garage, and mowing the grass. All you need to say is "those were good times. You kept sich a nice yard." Then pivot to a different topic. "Was lunch ok?"