Fabricated memories affecting caregiving

bogeydune

Hello! I care for my 87 year old MIL w Parkinson's related dementia that's slowly progressing these last 3 years. She was in a home last year for a broken hip, and about 2 months after returning from the home, she started telling me about remembering times that since being home, I'd dropped her. This memory flash (which isn't true, I've never dropped her while assisting her onto the commode or to bed w her gait belt) then causes her to not trust me, my instructions on how to turn and sit, etc, to the point of sitting for an hour on the side of the bed because I'm currently the only caregiver available, and she refuses to work w me... I've read that you don't want to argue w their delusions, but I feel if I just agree, that's worse in some ways than arguing a bit with her. I tell her that it's simply not true, that I've never dropped her and that I was trained by her home to safely move her (I also do a slight majority more caregiving, too), and that she can feel safe w me, which sometimes works, but other times, she makes my FIL come in and "watch me", which he does (he knows I'vs never dropped her), and we gradually get thru our task.... Am I handling this correctly? She's actually very rarely agitated, and she usually forgets/ let's it slide later in the day that we had a bad morning, she's a wonderful woman that I love and respect. I just don't know how to help her when she suddenly stops trusting me....

sad_daughter

Hi, sorry you’re going through this. It’s tough isn’t it. My dad does something similar with stories of all sorts. I don’t know if I’m doing it right but we tell him it was a dream and that seems to work quite well. He has sort of accepted now that sometimes he has dreams that feel real, and sometimes it works and changes his mindset. Not always and sometimes he can’t let go of it or just forgets it next day anyway, but sharing in case it may help you too. It’s worked for us.

harshedbuzz

@bogeydune

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

This sounds like a confabulation— when a PWD can recall an event, especially the emotions around it, but not the details of the who, what, when, how. I would guess your MIL has conflated a role for you in the event leading to her broken hip. PWD tend to see their responsibility in negative outcomes or accept the concept of accidents. She remembers, on some level, being hurt and assuming you did it since you're who she sees in front of her in the moment. In other words, it's the disease talking.

Ironically, the best way to handle this is to matter-of-factly and gently apologize and promise not to let it happen again. What she needs to know is that she's safe more than anything. Assure her you'll be very careful. It's enough that you and FIL know the truth.

Dad conflated a lot. He accused me of losing money he lost day trading. He told my son all manner of ways I'd neglected him as a child (confusing me with his deadbeat sister and my late sister who was cut from the same cloth). I apologized, said I won't do that anymore and he dropped it. Fortunately, DS didn't believe him (dad talked about "the kids" and DS is an only) although his 12-year-old self what indignant on my behalf.

One confabulation similar to your MIL's was a complaint dad had about sore ribs. He blamed this on mom pushing him off a curb at a highway rest stop. He was blind in one eye and stumbled. When she reminded him of that he became angry. The punchline to this was that he complained so regularly to his doctors I wondered if something was up. Turns out a routine chest x-ray showed a section of inflamed gall bladder with stones. He had his gall bladder removed during an attack and they evidently left some behind. His pain was real; we changed his diet and it improved.

HB

SusanB-dil

Hi bogeydune - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Wonder if it would work if you deflected in some way, as in saying "Oh, it was 'janeydoe' who almost dropped you'…"

It seems for the most part that most stories our LO comes up with are fabrications of bits and pieces they actually do remember. Your MIL may be remembering a real fall. I think it is unusual, though, that she is focusing the distrust to turning it on you. So sorry that is happening.

harshedbuzz

@SusanB-dil said:

Wonder if it would work if you deflected in some way, as in saying "Oh, it was 'janeydoe' who almost dropped you'…"

Denying a dad's version of reality resulted in agitation nearly 100% of the time. It must've felt like gaslighting to him. The bad feelings dissipated most quickly with a quick apology and promise he was safe, respected, and that we were there for him. YMMV.

It seems for the most part that most stories our LO comes up with are fabrications of bits and pieces they actually do remember. Your MIL may be remembering a real fall. I think it is unusual, though, that she is focusing the distrust to turning it on you. So sorry that is happening.

According to the neurologists we saw— both the chief resident in the ER and later the one at the memory center— explained why this as very common. Dad's dementia was mixed and one form was particularly noted for confabulated memory. They said he would ascribe blame to whomever happened to be in front of him at the time and that often would take credit for positive things. I once complimented mom on some project she'd done in their new house, and he swore he was the one who did it. I tested the "whatever is in their sightline theory" by asking dad while he was having lunch, what he'd had for breakfast. He described the meal he was eating. I'm pretty certain they don't serve Chik-Fil-A tenders and a shake at the MCF.

HB

DotBern

Hi and welcome! You're in the right place for help and support.

I believe it's important to acknowledge what she is saying. You and your FIL know the truth and that's all that matters. You are NOT going to change her mind or reason with her. Try saying something along the line of the following, "I'm sorry I dropped you when I was trying to help. I need to be much more careful. Please give me another chance. I really want to help."

I learned to have a much more meaningful relationship with my mom after watching many free video's on TeepaSnow.com. Her Positive Approach to Care programs are fantastic. I eventually went to NC and became a certified dementia care teacher to be able to manage my relationship with my mom. As an only child, it all falls to me. Even if you don't get certified or take a course, her free videos are bound to help. I wish you well. She's blessed to have you in her life.