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Fighting for mom

Today broke me down. Nothing about today so out of the ordinary but it’s been a slow build. My mom hasn’t officially been diagnosed yet but her short term memory is going. She lives with a friend and I take her to all of her appointments, manage her finances, set up her meds, communicate with all the doctors, wash and style her hair (which is falling out rapidly. Waiting for an explanation from dr after recent labs)etc. The biggest issue right now is confusion on meds. I bought her the senior electronic calendar clock which we both thought was working beautifully for a while. Now, she keeps looking for the alphabet on her pill box instead of days and a.m or p.m. I discovered that she hadn’t taken pills in days despite her telling me daily that she taken her pills. Today she handed me a stack of papers and said she mail that stated she missed a payment on her mortgage. I knew it wasn’t true because I take care of the finances. I look through the papers and it’s all old mail. I just cried my eyes out when I got home. The mom I’ve known is gone. She has awareness that she’s not remembering which I hear is good that she is still aware but it’s so hard. My older sister lives in another state and doesn’t offer to help in any way. I feel so alone in this.

psg712

You are not alone. There are so many of us who understand the pain of seeing someone you love, a parent you used to depend on, become confused and unable to handle routine tasks. Some days are harder than others ... and I mean that for the caregivers. Virtual hug for you!

Her belief that she took her meds and then you finding days' worth not taken is very concerning. Reminder systems, whether simple or high tech, eventually fail because the PWD cannot understand how to use them. At some point nothing works except another human being handing her the right pills at the right time and watching that she takes them. And then keeping the bottles out of reach for her so she doesn't accidentally double dose.

I remember those days for my mom. She was trying so hard to keep track of the details of life as even the simple tasks became overwhelming. It's so hard to know when to step in and take over things that she used to handle effortlessly. The biggest priority has to be her safety. But it's ok to stop making decisions for a minute and just grieve the losses.

terei

This is the time mail should be diverted from her address + pills need to be given by someone else. It is hard to accept that you are eventually dealing with someone that literally does not have the capability to handle more than a toddler can.

Quilting brings calm

You might need to reconsider her living arrangements. She’s living with a friend. A friend who doesn’t realize she needs medication supervision… or doesn’t feel it’s her responsibility to do medication supervision. And, unless, the friend is getting a reduced rent or being paid to do so, it’s not her responsibility. Nor is looking through your mom’s mail. Is the friend just living her life, going away for weekends , vacations etc ? Then it’s no better than mom living alone.

Emily 123

Hi,

It's very hard at first, but it will help your mom to divert away those tasks that she can no longer manage, or remove those reminders that her memory is failing—it sounds like you've been doing a great job so far. It's just that the disease will just keep advancing and all the little tricks we use to help our loved ones eventually stop working.

If your mom hasn't designated a power of attorney, or added you as a HIPPA contact at her doctor's office, now is the time to make your role official, while she can still understand what she's asking you to do. Know that her bank may want to use their own POA documentation in addition to what you'll have, which she'd also have to sign. You may want to have a certified elder law attorney help you with that, and with any financial planning your mom might need . It does sound like she's going to need more assistance, and often at this point a move to assisted living isn't unreasonable.

I wouldn't be shy about asking your sister for help too—it may be that she can offer to help with something that frees up more time for you. Sometimes people won't offer unless they're asked. At least then you'll know where she stands.

Fighting for mom

Who knew being able to just get it off my chest to folks who actually personally can resonate would be so helpful. I appreciate the feedback and support. Prayers for all caregivers and our parents.

Anonymousjpl123

I am so glad you found it helpful. I too find myself that hearing from people who “get it” like those here has been unbelievably helpful - almost more so than any other support group or resource.

I know how jarring and shocking it can be. The legal paperwork is very very important. Also thinking about this down the line. One thing I found helpful, as well, at the stage you are in is calling the Alzheimer’s hotline on this website. They reassured me that where you are is exactly the right time to start planning for her care.