Living with two slowly declining parents

Mav2126

I am new to the discussion here. I am currently living with my parents. They are both slowly showing signs of dementia and I am having to take more control of their healthcare and finances. My dad has zero short term memory and constantly repeats questions that I answered for him five seconds ago. My mother has lost alot of her executive function and has difficulty with most tasks that require any thought. I feel like I am at the beginning of this journey and welcome any and all feedback on what I should prepare myself for as their conditions worsen. They of course would like to stay at home but I have communicated to them that I am not willing to bathe, toilet, feed them if it gets to that point - they would need to go to the nursing home. Thanks for everyone's help and thoughts.

sandwichone123

Living with a person with dementia is challenging for anyone, but particularly for someone who's just getting launched him/herself. I applaud you for being honest about your limitations and that you may need to find care for them at some point—too often parents elicit unrealistic promises from their children which leads to unwarranted guilt.

It's good to hear that you are taking over the finances as well—often that poses a serious challenge. If your parents have not yet documented durable power of attorney (that takes effect immediately—not the kind that requires certification that they are not competent) and power of attorney for healthcare, those things should be top priorities.

Victoriaredux

If you haven't been to see an elder law attorney you should - to get the proper forms AND advise on medicaid for them, best way to title/sell/protect their assets for their care & tax issues. etc. There are no do overs as dementia is a progressive fatal disease.

While you may be able to write checks for them now to sign at some point they may not comply, be unable to comply , get scammed.

Having the right documents customized for your family is the best way to move forward since you'll need to be directing the ship for their safety. Laying down rules with them tends to be unproductive which creates resentment and scammers love to find seniors who think their family is taking over. They play to the desire to be independent and clean them out.

mabelgirl

While getting the legalities worked out, start your search for a facility for them. It does not seem far off that the incontinence will begin, although there is no definitive timeline. You don’t want to be doing this search during a crisis period. Some homes allow for couples to be together. If they have the finances to cover the care awesome! If they do not you’ll want to get the Medicaid process going, it takes quite awhile. Contact your local area on agency or elder affairs office for other help. Are you only child? If not bring your siblings up to date and be sure they are aware of what you are doing to avoid any potential conflicts. Read through ALZ resources, education is a must. Take time for yourself. Do not sacrifice your well being, it’s an easy trap. In all you do make sure it’s the best for the entire family not just mom and dad. Prayers for strength.