Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place

theresa0711

It has been extremely hard with my mom. When she is having a day where she is weak and feeling dizzy, she will ask to come to my house. Then, the next day, she is saying that she didn't need to be here, and she wants to go home. However, she is still weak and can't get around very well. I try to convince her to at least stay until she gets stronger, until the next time. She has adamantly refused to live with me permanently or go to assisted living. However, when she is by herself in her apartment, she does not eat, change clothes, bath, drink water, or clean. She wants to just watch TV or sleep 19 hours straight. I am constantly running to her apartment to make sure she is still okay. It is like she has given up. She gets mad at me when she is at my house, because I strongly urge her to eat, drink, bathe, and get out of bed a couple times a day. And then there are the "false memories". I have been accused of burning her oven vent cover (she left two burners on with no pots), putting holes in her water bottle (because she spilled it on herself), abandoning her at the hospital and having someone else drive her home (because she didn't recognize the borrowed vehicle that I used to transport her), and wanting her to get hurt (after she sneaked and tried to go up the stairs and got hurt). Any advice is appreciated.

terei

IMO I would invent something that requires her to be away from her home(broken pipes, gas leak, whatever) that dictates that she stay somewhere else(AL or MC) ‘til it is fixed. After that, she stays til her ‘doctor’ gives the ok that she is ‘better’. She needs round the clock care + she cannot make the decision herself…it is up to you.

H1235

Welcome. Sorry you have to be here. People with dementia often have anosognosia. It is the inability to understand or even recognize their symptoms and limitations. There will never come a time when she says it’s time for me to go to AL. She is just not able to make rational decisions anymore. Safety needs to be the priority. It would be nice if we could keep our lo both safe and happy, but that’s not always possible. Do you have durable power of attorney? I hope so! If not you may need to look at guardianship. Making decisions for our lo that they don’t like is incredibly hard, but need to be done. Since most with dementia suffer with memory issues fiblits and excuses tend to be a kinder approach to things in my opinion. terei has given you some great advise. What would happen if she tries to cook something and starts a fire? Would she know she needs to get out? What if she decides to go for a walk and falls? I could go on and on. Given what you have told us it doesn’t sound like she is safe in her home alone. She needs you to get her somewhere safe.