Christmas gifts

H1235

Mom is in AL. She hoards and we have not taken her to the store for the last 3 months because she insists on buying things she doesn’t need. She is finally just starting to tell me if she needs something vs telling me I need to take her to the store. She is mid stage and insists on independence. She loves Christmas and will want to buy gifts for everyone again this year(14 people). Last year she lived with my brother and he just let her buy whatever she wanted. I have a few concerns. She will need to apply for Medicaid in about a year and gift giving is a no no (although I wouldn’t expect a problem with a few $10-15 gifts, I just don’t know). I’m also worried about what other crazy things she might decide to buy for her apartment while out. She is not able to keep track of all these gifts. I would guess she has already started 3 different lists (she looses them). She will want to wander the store looking for the right gift or go to multiple stores looking for something specific and hard to find ( no chance she would let me just get it on Amazon). Any help or suggestions from me will cause anger and resentment. She could do a few gift cards, tins of popcorn etc and it wouldn’t be too bad, but she will never go for that. Her memory is not bad so there is no putting things off or counting on her forgetting. She suffers from depression and not giving gifts will be very devastating for her emotionally. Like with everything else with dementia I feel like I’m in a no win situation. Any suggestions? I should add that I am trying to clean out her house now. I have found boxes of new things she planned to give as gifts, but the lost track of. She doesn’t know I’m going through her house (she would be very mad). So I can’t pull those things out and suggest she give them as gifts. Buying more stuff seems so excessive.

harshedbuzz

@H1235

The situation doesn't leave you any options in which you can avoid a bad outcome. I'm sorry.

HB

Emily 123

H123—what's her memory like? If you tried to bring in the gift items from her house in a way that they showed up in her room would she believe she'd recently bought them? Could they be put in boxes to look like she'd ordered them online?

Don't exhaust yourself too much over this.

If she has a pattern of gift giving for the holidays and birthdays in the past, your state Medicaid may allow her to continue to purchase small gifts. Just type 'Christmas gift (your state) Medicaid' and see what pops up.

It's tough.

jfkoc

Gifts now seem to be a donation to a charity. I just ask the recipient what charity. We all think it is a win/win.

The exception is a gift to young children.

One year we limited gifts to ones we had made. Other years we decided on a $amount. You could tell your other that everyone had decided on gifts under $15.

Then there is always shopping at Dollar Tree.

Be excited about having to be creative and do take care of those items already purchased if possible.

I think if you approach this with some "enthusiasm" you may just get her excited.

H1235

What it said is kind of what I have read before. Any gift may be grounds for disqualification, but small gifts for birthdays and Christmas may be allowed depending on the caseworker. Her memory is too good. She would never believe she had already bought the gifts if I brought them to her. She would never just sit with me and buy everything on Amazon, even if I wasn’t worried about Medicaid. She probably realizes she has things at her house that would work for gifts, but would want to use it as an excuse for us to bring her to her house(that’s a whole other ugly mess). I would just pay for my family’s and my own gifts, but I don’t know if my brother is going to be willing to do that. But even then I still need to bring her to the store, knowing her probably several stores. She can be very demanding. She would never consider a charity donation in place of gifts. She would be so mad if I told her I was taking her to dollar tree. I have considered telling her we are just doing gifts for the kids this year, but I don’t think she will go for that. I think it’s just a no win situation. S

harshedbuzz

@H1235

This is a POA call. If you are the POA and buying gifts would jeopardize her qualifying for Medicaid in a year, then you are legally obligated to shut that down. If your brother is a loose cannon, I would send him the relevant Medicaid statutes, so he understands the consequences.

When we were doing Medicaid planning for my parents with mom as community spouse, she was allowed to gift a total of $500/month per our CELA. I sent the rules about Medicaid in our state to my nieces so they would understand their grandmother's inability to be generous with gifts and loans.

HB

--Rebecca--

Give her an Amazon gift card, and have a secret Santa exchange. Even if it is just the three of you, exchange names, and give each other a gift. It doesn't need to be a "secret", just exchange names. Help her buy a gift. Wrap them. Put them under a teeny tree in her AL apartment. Buy three stockings, one for your mom, you and your brother. Give her $20 cash, take her to dollar tree to buy stocking stuffers. You can buy items for her stocking. I do not know medicare/Medicaid law, but this should not jeopardize benefits.

In the past, I've had to lay down the new rules for Christmas, and it has turned out fine, despite protests for the traditional plans.

The important parts of christmas gift giving will be intact. A tree, with gifts under it. A cozy stocking. She will still complain, and angle for control. Ignore it, while pivoting to something totally different. Work on a craft together, like a mini christmas tree skirt.

Quilting brings calm

I wouldn’t tell her that you are cleaning out her house. However I would tell her that you know she has a habit of buying gifts early and putting them in xyz place, so you went and looked and you found these! Or ask her if she thinks x person would like a gift y. Y being one of the gifts you know she bought. Then bring that gift to her and help her wrap it for oerson x. Tell her you picked it up while you were doing your shopping for her gift. ( which explains why you couldn't take her with you).

Or just tell her that all the adults decided there would be no gift exchange this year because the younger adults can’t afford it and they have their pride. They won’t accept a gift from her if they can’t buy her one. Tell your brother that you aren’t allowing her money to be spent this year.

terei

I would tell her the whole family has decided only cards this year

H1235

There is just my brother and I. I have mom for a nice dinner the weekend before Christmas with my family. We only exchange gifts with mom. It usually doesn’t amount to much it’s just me and my daughter giving her a gift and of course her giving a gift to everyone. We do not exchange gifts with each other. On Christmas morning my brother will bring her to his house where him, his girlfriend, mom and a granddaughter will exchange gifts. It’s not the big family get together where we draw names or do a $5 gift. Telling her we are not doing gifts this year is just not something she would accept. As usual my brother is going to be oblivious that gifts are even a problem.

Chammer

I know it is short notice, but is there a local boutique truck that could stop by the ALF for your mom and any other shoppers that live there and aren't able to get out to shop? A local crafting group that could set up a little fair at the ALF? Maybe the activity director could arrange something.

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/230020#Comment_230020

Her Al did have a craft sale. The problem is the task of buying gifts is overwhelming and confusing. She refuses to let anyone help with this because she doesn’t think there is anything wrong and she can do it herself. I don’t think she bought any gifts, just things for herself that she doesn’t need that I will eventually have to sneak out of her room and get rid of (because her room is filling up). Yet she is upset we won’t take her Christmas shopping. Sadly I think the drive to hoard is more overpowering than the desire to give gifts. We are going to try bringing up some of the new things she had at her house (she intended to use as gifts) I’m hoping she can find some things in that box. The problem is she will pull out half the stuff for herself to keep. The hoarding is awful.

--Rebecca--

Maybe you should wrap gifts from your mom to you and your bother. Bring them to your mom's gift exchange, offering whatever explanation works best. It's not worth the conflict to have her participate in her gifts for others. If you brought a box of gifts for her to make selections from, she'd want them all for herself.

Bring gift bags. Ask your mom to find a gift from her hoard to give to the medication nurse, or whomever she has contact with. Then help her take it to that person immediately. If she refuses, drop it.

Caregiving for hoarders is so very difficult. We could use a thread here just dealing with hoarding. After the Christmas gift exchange, at the end of your visit, go around with a large trash bag and throw away all trash. Use the Christmas exchange as a logical sweep of all trash. Throw away all packaging…including…the Depends box nightstand. She'll be livid. Oh, well. This dust up won't ruin Christmas. And your peace of mind when you go back will be boosted as it will be less cluttered.

H1235

So I gathered up a tote of new things from her house that she could give as gifts and brought it to her along with paper, tags and tape. She sorted through the things and found gifts for 15 family members and wrapped everything herself. She also bought more Christmas decorations at a craft show at her AL(using money I gave the AL to cover hair cuts and outings) she kept these things for herself. She had Christmas with my family and a separate Christmas with my brother and his family. My brother told me she had a wonderful time and at one point was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes. She didn’t speak to me at all in the car picking her up of dropping her off. At the celebration she was quiet, curt and didn’t really join in conversation except for a short embarrassing story from my childhood that she shared with my grandkids.
She gave everyone gifts, including my brother and his girlfriend, but gave me and my husband nothing. There are still unused gifts in the tote I gave her that I’m sure she will never willingly let leave her room. I don’t care at all about the gift, but to give everyone a gift but us hurts. I’m trying really hard to blame the dementia and brush it off, but not having much luck.

fmb

@H1235

While it is good that your mom was able to participate in the Christmas celebrations, it was probably somewhat overwhelming and tiring for her. She could showtime for only a limited amount of time, and did so at your brother's. She then felt safe enough around you and your husband to behave the way she did at your gathering.

I can understand why it hurt so much to not receive a gift from her. We hold certain expectations of others, especially around holidays. Empathy and the ability to show gratitude are lost early on in the progression. It may have never occurred to her to give you and your husband gifts.

One major thing I have had to learn the hard way during DH's and my dementia journey is to have virtually no expectations. Ours is no longer a give & take relationship, but is 99% give on my part. I never know from one visit to the next what to expect, so I have learned to expect nothing. He tends to reserve his smiles for his favorite aides and med techs. I am happy when he does this even though he may be crabby and contrary with me in the next moment. When he does make a nice gesture toward me and is able to smile and laugh with me, I am pleasantly surprised.

Emily 123

It stinks that the dementia has caused her to lose the ability to see that you're doing what you do out of care.

Why not take a break from visiting her for a few extra days, to get a little breathing room? Take the time and do something you've been wanting to do. It can be her unknowing little Christmas gift to you 😉

harshedbuzz

Every part of dementia sucks.

It's very likely this is one of those "the disease talking" scenarios. But sometimes, it's just a dysfunctional relationship laid bare by the lack of social filter and empathy.

Another thought is that perhaps her visit with your brother was easier for her in some way. Maybe it was a better time of day for her or she was well rested. Maybe the group was smaller, didn't include young kids or your brother's girlfriend managed the party leaving brother able to be 100% focused on mom. Many PWD don't particularly like being around boisterous kids, bigger groups or sharing their main caregiver in any way.

I found that over time, dad who was formerly a party animal, couldn't tolerate family gatherings. This happened pretty quickly. He'd had a blast at a restaurant with 8 for his birthday in July but Thanksgiving was awkward. His last Christmas at home, we were a party of 7— all adults. We only did this in support of mom who was still his 24/7 hands-on caregiver. He was so spectacularly ghastly that day that family still quotes him as inside jokes some 7 years later.

Since this was not a successful experiment, you know now not to repeat it. You'd tried to make her happy with a day with your family and she wasn't. Going forward, it sounds best if you visit mom during the facility's holiday observances for family & friends and do your own thing on the actual holiday.

I'm sorry.
HB

PS Sometimes PWD are like preschoolers. Absolutely angels for teachers and friends, but rote monsters for the parents they know love them unconditionally. It's you are mom's primary person, this could be what happened.

Quilting brings calm

I agree - start visiting her for the holiday at the facility a few days before the holiday. Keep the number of visitors to a minimum. Then enjoy the actual day with your family wherever you would like. That’s what I did. Some facilities will have a family/ resident dinner or party several days prior to the holiday.

As for the gift - change your expectations to expect no gifts. And give her only needed items as your gift to her - clothing, candy, money/gift certificate for the facility hairdresser.