How do you 'unhear' the mean things that are said to you?

dlomba1823

I live out of state and have been caring for my Mom from a distance since my stepfather moved out because he could not handle her dementia and refusal of getting medical care in June 2023. In April 2024, I moved her into MC as she was unable to live on her own and after 5 or 6 emergency trips to help ensure the house wasn't burning down, 911 calls and watching through doorbell cameras we could see my Mom wandering and hallucinating. Anyway- it has been a horrible experience of how my Mom blames me for her ALZ progression and that is not living at her home. It is horrible- and it is constant and others until recently were right there with her saying that she wasn't 'that bad' or second guessing that MC was needed. In the last month- most of that is gone, as the hallucinations and angry words/behavior is now felt and seen by others (it wasn't new to me or my stepfather.)

Although I have heard really hard things and diverted my Mom or found a way to deal with it or think- its not her- its the dementia, yesterday's 'call' was not one I can forget, and today is Thanksgiving, and I can hear the words over and over again, and this time, my 20 year old daughter heard it to. Do I even go to visit for Christmas- I have been going every month or 6 weeks for 20 months.

My Mom had been calling 911- and as I have a RAZ phone for her- that feature is disabled but a few of us will get a text that she has called 911- and we call the MC and have someone check on her. Well, yesterday that happened and my daughter called the center to have them check on her grandma. The caregiver that checked on my Mom thought it would be helpful to call my daughter back and let her talk to her grandma. I would have agreed if not for the things that my Mom said…

I was driving and my daughter was on her cellphone. My mother- after saying words that I didn't know she had ever said then told me daughter that she knew I was listening and she basically said that she was hoping that something tragic and traumatic would happen to me because I deserved it. My Mom said that I am so horrible and all of this is my fault. She said that I have made her 'crazy' and she knew that I was bad and evil. She went on about how I deserved to basically be dead… the caregiver took the phone and told my daughter that my Mom had been just find 20-30 minutes ago and had a nice day.

My daughter was nervous that I was driving and that my Mom had just cursed me and I could get into an accident. She was so upset and afraid for the rest of the night, so we went back home. I just wish I could go back in time and just not have my daughter call or answer when the center called back. I cannot get those words out of my head.

I do not want to allow my Mom- and I know she doesn't mean it- but there is a part of me that remembers she wasn't the nicest Mom and there was a reason I left that state many years ago. I am very sick of being blamed for all of this and maybe a trip there for Christmas is not good for me or my daughter. 14 trips in a year and a half is more than enough. AND best decision I have made is paying for a private caregiver/companion to visit with my Mom and ensure she is being cared for at the MC. It has made all the difference since I am out of state. That caregivers says when my Mom is mean- they do not take it personally as she is not their mother but their client and they understand and deal with the disease as professionals.

Has anyone figured out how to unheard mean horrible words from their loved one?

Emily 123

You can't unhear those things, but of course you know they aren't true, or you would have abandoned her to this horrible disease. But do protect yourself and the rest of your family from her verbal abuse.

Remove the phone, the dementia's ensured that she's lost the ability to use one responsibly—the 911 calls need to stop, for one. it's odd that the facility doesn't think it's a problem, but it's not good that she's calling. Moving forward, any contact occurs on your schedule, when you want to.

Determine what acceptable phone access for her should look like—can she go through the facility staff to call you between certain hours, or do you want to arrange to talk with her when your own carers are there? Think about if the abusive behaviors occur later in the day, and plan accordingly. Conversations that veer into the abusive get nipped in the bud. Hang up.

Why not take a break from talking with her for a bit while you decide?

Check for a UTI

Additional medication adjustment to smooth the angry outbursts and resistance to care

I would take a break from going to visit her for a bit. You've put caregivers in place who you trust to be your eyes and ears.

psg712

Agree with getting rid of her phone and taking a break from visiting. You have made sure she has the care she needs. Now it's time to make sure that you and your daughter have a peaceful Christmas together. Make a fresh start in the new year, after deciding on the boundaries that you need to visit and still come away with intact nerves and self-esteem.

harshedbuzz

@dlomba1823

I'm so sorry.

I've heard worse. Dad once told me "The wrong one died, it should have been you instead of your sister".

As dad lost his social filter, he had less control over how he presented himself and others got a glimpse of the version I lived with. I'd already done some work on making sense of this relationship over the years and understood that what came out of dad's mouth was a byproduct of a person with mental health, and later, cognitive challenges. I learned to choose not to allow any power over how I felt about myself or anything else. You can't unhear things, but you can choose how much weight to give them.

HB

H1235

Dementia is awful! It turns our loved ones into people we don’t recognize or worse yet brings out the worst in them that we tried to ignore or not pay attention to in the past. Not only do we have to go through the unimaginable job of going through their things behind their back while they are still alive, manage finances and just care for them, but our last few months/years are spend with them feeling we have done them wrong ( when in reality our entire lives have been put on hold, consumed with their needs and demands). Our happy memories from the past are clouded and tainted with all the ugliness happening now. I have no advice, but can tell you you are not alone.

Quilting brings calm

@H1235

You stated all that perfectly. I would add that many of us have to deal with unhelpful and actually disruptive siblings too. Something else we can’t unhear, unsee or unfeel.

Jo C.

We understand. I am sorry for what is happening and do understand how painfully hurtful that can be. Sadly, in many instances, it is not unusual that the person doing the most oversight, and often direct care is the person who is the target for verbal harangue, blame and abuse. It happened with me. Though I knew it was the disease talking, it was still hurtful. It took me some time to learn to let go and let such behavior roll down my back and not let it have any power. I also learned to distance myself from time to time. Still . . . . so sad when we are doing so much in care and consideration for our LOs who have the behavioral issues such as this. Nasty disease.

It IS the disease talking, but the pain from the dynamics can still have negative effects. Let go, need not be in direct contact as often. Learning to let go was the most difficult lesson I had to learn in my own journey with my afflicted mother and it was not easy. However; it did make a difference and my mother was not often agitated when I was not present. I monitored from afar and made my visits less than they used to be until the dynamics changed. Best to have her checked for a UTI and also to have her meds reviewed to see if an adjustment is needed; that can be done without your presence.

To repeat, ask to have her checked for a "silent" UTI. This is not an unusual reason for changes in behavior. When there is an abrupt change in behaviors to a highly negative state, always a good idea to have one's LO checked.

It can be exhausting and at times perplexing when we are trying so hard and doing our very best - that is where "letting go" comes into play. NOTE: Your mother is safe, secure and being cared for 24/7. If anything was amiss, you would be called. It is difficult to learn to begin to slow down and let go bit by bit, (or even all at once), but in doing so there is an ease and better ability to manage and handle matters that come up that need doing. Also, if your contacts or visits agitate her, they do nothing positive for either of you. First time I let three to four days go without going to the facility, it was truly very difficult for me. However; my LO was just fine, nothing different. I then began to lessen numbers of visits and also not to continue to "chew" on the dynamics in my mind and to begin the "let go" learning which as said, made a large difference. The facility would call if there was an issue and if I felt a bit uncomfortable, I simply called them and spoke with the RN over my LOs care. Made quite a difference and was the beginning of learning to do that "let go" bit. I did visit, but not nowhere near as often. Healthier for her not to be agitated and healthier for me. Still had contact with nursing staff every few days, but kept things on an even keel.

You will find your way; I am just sorry you must put up with all of this. As for Christmas - please do keep this holiday pleasant with your focus on yourself, your daughter and any other Loved Ones. Your mother will not understand it is a holiday, and based on usual behaviors, she may well cause a dreadfully negative holiday as she has no filters and no brakes. Do not let that happen; it is within your power to keep that from happening for you AND for your family.

I send best and warmest thoughts your way and hope all evens out very soon. Please lovingly treat yourself, daughter and family to a loving and caring Christmas holiday; that would be a wonderful thing to do for those who do know what season and day it is and who deserve to have the blessing of a loving family holiday.

Be well and I so hope it all works out well for you,

J.

mabelgirl

Just another hurt soul who has a mother who has lashed out at her and surviving. My mom has said some very horrible things along with wishing me dead. My 8 year old great granddaughter then became a target before we moved her to AL. We must do what’s necessary to protect the generations after our parents, ours included. So if you are at peace with your arrangements providing for your mom’s well being , then you do what’s best for you and yours. There is no shame in doing what’s best for the family survival. As to whether the hurt goes away , it deadens over time; or at least for me it has. Prayers for peace.