Holidays

Cosmic

My wife of 60 yrs passed last May after the long battle. I know she is in a better place now but the holidays are here now and it's taking a toll on me. Thanksgiving I broke down and my daughter was there to console me but with Christmas fast approaching what to do?? Loneliness is a killer. My best friend lost his spouse to Alz three years ago on Dec. 23rd and he says he just does not recognize any holidays anymore, No Christmas trees or decorations. Family get togethers are hard seeing everyone with their loved ones and all you have are memories. December is a month to be off the calendar.

SusanB-dil

Hi Cosmic - yeah, the first year of 'firsts' can be tough. Check with a local hospital, or church, or community center to see if they have a support group for those who have lost a spouse.

SDianeL

So sorry for your loss. My husband of 38 years passed August 12. Thanksgiving last year was the last holiday with us before he went in memory care. I know how you feel. My heart’s not into celebrating but I’m trying not to spoil it for the rest of our family. I am living with my daughter and son in law but feel so alone. I cry in my room. My wise Mom said when you lose someone to do things to honor their memory so I made a list and am checking them off. Someone posted something on Facebook “Grief is the price we pay for love.” So true. Sending hugs.

fmb

I am sorry for your loss and hear your pain and loneliness. While bereavement support groups are good, most of them are on hiatus during the holidays when people need them the most. It might be worth your while to look into attending one when they start up again after New Year's.

Even though my DH is not yet deceased, I find holidays extremely difficult, too. He lives in an ALF, and I have no family with whom to celebrate. Having something pleasurable to look forward to instead of dread helps get me through. I failed to do this for Thanksgiving and spent a miserable day in the depths of grief and a pity party.

My best friend lost his wife of 34 years to Covid almost two years ago. They had no children, and he has no family in the area. Last year, for his first Christmas alone, he deliberately planned his day doing things that brought pleasure to him. He fixed a pizza just the way he likes it, watched football, and later listened to good music while he read a book by a favorite author. Before Christmas he had donated to Toys for Tots, a charity that meant a lot to both of them.

Does your best friend live locally? Could you and he get together during the holidays and do something non-holiday related? Although it is nowhere near as good as having your wife with you, it might take some of the pain out of the loneliness and feeling of being an outsider midst all the traditional togetherness of the holiday season.

Cosmic

My BF lives within driving distance. We're planning on a lunch(s) for my wed anniversary on the 5th of Dec and another for Dec. 23rd when his wife passed. Neighbors have been thoughtful even offering to have dinner with them on Thanksgiving. The neighborhood has "turned" again with younger family's and the little ones come to my house and raid the candy bars and ice cream treats I have for them. I'm known as grandpa and some just stop after they get off the school bus, makes if for a humorous experience and relieves the stress/loneliness'. Was thinking of volunteer work, driving for DAV or something. Food panties are always looking for help.

Quilting brings calm

I can’t tell from your post if you will be alone on Christmas or not. They tell me the first year of holidays will be the worst. Obviously your best friend disagrees.

If you will alone on Christmas Day, begin looking for opportunities to volunteer that day. Assisted living facilities always have a couple residents who won’t have family to visit that day. They’d love for someone to volunteer to do a simple activity with their supplies-bingo, cards, a puzzle. Or just to sit and drink coffee with the residents.

Our area Elks club hosted a potluck thanksgiving dinner for anyone who wanted to come. I know nothing about them, but I bet it’s a good way of meeting people.

--Rebecca--

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife of 60 years. You get to be the architect of your holidays. Don't let media or society tell you what to feel, how to decorate or what to do. After the loss of my father in law, we decided that the saddest thing we could do is a regular holiday. A holiday minus one person was just too sad. We decided to do something novel, and different. We had a nice dinner at home and hired a driver to take us on a Christmas tree lights tour of the city. We brought a bottle of wine and just made the most of the sights.

One sad christmas, we visited our art museum, which was open 365 days of the year.

The first year after someone passes, I hang the deceased person's Christmas stocking and put a white, silk rose in it.

These are just things that made me feel better. Different things will make you feel better. Doing nothing, not celebrating Christmas, felt worse for me than a modified chistmas. Whatever you chose, I wish you peace and comfort.

H1235

The first Christmas after my dad passed was awful. We had the same family Christmas as always just without him. It was extremely difficult. The next year we changed things up and it was much easier. My suggestion is find a new tradition. So sorry for your loss. I hope you find something that can bring you some comfort and peace.